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Film Noir Home

Based on a "Sanity Checker" annotation, and "Sound effects as performance art"
  (+153, -30)(+153, -30)(+153, -30)
(+153, -30)
  [vote for,
against]

A very 'wired' home which knows what you're doing and uses voice synthesis to announce, in the first person, what you are doing. Then to make your life seem like Film Noir, all you have to do is to wear dark sunglasses so that everything looks a bit murky.

For example, you wake up in the night and go and get a glass of water. As you fill your glass from the kitchen tap, a dark, gravelly voice announces "It was late at night and I couldn't sleep - I was thirsty so I went to get a glass of water".

[Addendum: The marketing for this system will allow users to buy exciting Film Noir accessories, such as:
1. Those gun holsters that hold a gun somewhere under your left armpit
2. Chrome cigarette cases
3. The right kind of hardboiled-detective hat
etc., etc.]

hippo, Jul 20 2000

trouble is my business [hob, May 17 2009]

there goes the neighborhood [hob, May 17 2009]

Sanity Checker http://www.halfbake...ecker#964064510-2-1
See intrpreter's annotation [hippo, Jul 20 2000, last modified Oct 05 2004]

Sound effects as performance art http://www.halfbake...20performance_20art
[hippo, Jul 20 2000, last modified Oct 05 2004]

Noir, by K.W. Jeter http://www.amazon.c...dos/ASIN/0553576380
(Just the book, not the whole search query. What happened up there?) [jutta, Jul 20 2000]

deja vu home http://www.halfbake...ea/deja_20vu_20home
Documentary variation. Please cut'n'paste/delete your annotations as you see fit. [jutta, Jul 20 2000]

(???) Metropolitan Living Homes http://www.metropolitanlivinghomes.com/
[egnor, Jul 20 2000, last modified Oct 21 2004]

B&W mirror http://www.halfbake...idea/B_26W_20mirror
An atmosphere enhancer for the Film Noir Home [beauxeault, Jul 20 2000, last modified Oct 05 2004]

Janet Cardiff's Whispering Room http://www.ago.net/...specific.cfm?ID=567
Sorry [zippyanna] - I couldn't get anywhere with your link, but this one works. Feel free to update yours and I'll delete this one. [hippo, Jul 05 2002, last modified Oct 05 2004]

Kevin "of" Warwick http://www.kevinwarwick.com/
How the hell did this thread get from Sam Spade to I, Cyborg? [calum, Jul 24 2002]

Flim Noir room http://www.cinepad....mnoir/dark_room.htm
Explore film noir archetypes through a clickable collaged image [syost, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 05 2004]

Sanity Checker http://www.halfbake....html#964064510-2-1
See intrpreter's annotation [hippo, Oct 21 2004]

The 'Rick Deckard Trenchcoat' http://www.abbyshot...-deckard-trench.php
Rather expensive but a great prop for helping you maintain that inner 'noir' dialogue. [DrBob, Feb 25 2009]

[link]






       For a bit of added Noir-esque feeling, you could install a sprinkler system and internal guttering to ensure that it was always raining. "5:30am. I dropped my pants and prepared to take a dump. It was still raining..."
DrBob, Jul 20 2000
  

       What about a soap opera version where bits of each day are recorded, with "significant" music in the background, and then replayed for you at the start of the next day?
kimby2, Jul 20 2000
  

       I like that idea, jutta- there could be a half-life setting where after x number of days, half of the sounds generated on a particular day in the past would have decayed into oblivion. Others might persist for much longer. You could do a sort of sonar equivalent of carbon dating on your own life.   

       Holograms would be even better.
kimby2, Jul 20 2000
  

       Another possibility is that occasionally as you interact with something in your environment, e.g., a shoe or a spatula, a voice starts generating an ad based on whatever you are doing ("4 out of 5 users agree that Bloofo spatulas make breakfast fun!")
kimby2, Jul 21 2000
  

       I really like this. jutta's enhancement warrants a separate idea, having something to do with the special ability of the main character of the movie Brother From Another Planet: with a certain effort he could sense all the human history of the place where he stood -- particularly poignant at Ellis Island (erstwhile starting point for many US immigrants).   

       Maybe a video camera pointing to a public spot snapping still pictures every minute, with a big monitor nearby, with this effect? A long feedback loop would be more interesting. Frippertronics for video.
syost, Jul 21 2000, last modified Jul 24 2000
  

       Magnificent! And say, when you're bored and doing nothing of interest, silent and motionless, there could be a randomly-generated hired goon to visit your house and threaten you with strange and mysterious non-sequieurs.   

       "I see you've had the window fixed? Where's the Black Bird?"   

       "Mr Kenning wants to see you. Have you seen the Dizzy Duke today?"
harquin, Jul 25 2000
  

       Ah! Hired goons!
DrBob, Jul 25 2000
  

       You mean you people don't hear the voice already?   

       One accessory you would definitely have to include is a film noir car - one that makes the outside world look suspiciously like a screen projection. And of course it comes with a femme fatale in the passenger seat, with the voice saying "She knew that I knew that she knew about Arbogast and the stolen necklace..."
kimble, Jul 25 2000
  

       As an L.A. native, the lower sunlight level here in Western Canada often makes me feel like I'm living in a Film Noir House. As far as the "narration" goes, my wife often follows me from room to room to criticize me, so I'll just get her to switch from the second person to the third. It sounds more sarcastic, so I'm sure she'll go along with it.
Ander, Jul 26 2000
  

       I also think Jutta's annotation is a separate idea (and a very good one too*). Maybe "Deja vu Home" or something. The audio replay should be from the same time the previous week (not the previous day - because people have different routines at weekends than during the week) and the volume should be inversely proportional to the time elapsed since it was recorded.

Dr Bob's idea for rain is excellent too*. The cheap version of the Film Noir Home Kit™ will merely simulate rain over the same audio channel that is used for the first-person voiceover.

-------------------------
* Flattery
hippo, Jul 27 2000
  

       hippo was all over me like a cheap suit but I could recognise flattery when I saw it. He had a smile like a crocodile and I knew he was setting me up for a fall...
DrBob, Jul 28 2000
  

       His name was DrBob. Probably not a real doctor but these days who cares? Right then I didn't know what he was thinking; I was pretty sure he suspected but at that moment I just didn't care one way or the other. My eyes felt like they had been fried in gravel; It was time to call it a night.
[Um, obviously in the production version I'll contract out the writing of the Film Noir dialogue to someone who knows what they're doing.]
hippo, Jul 28 2000, last modified Aug 01 2000
  

       Hey, I know another way to make it feel like there are other people bustling around your house- Obtain friends and loved ones. How many tear-inducingly pathetic loners do we have posting on this site, anyway? Holograms. Man.
Nachobox, Aug 06 2000
  

       I was going to include a link to a novel called "Noir", but I forgot the authors name (a mental digestent for brain farts would be welcome). I thought it was either Neal Stephenson or Bruce Sterling, but my amazon search came up empty - great book though, and the protaganist has his brain wired so that everything is filtered to appear as Film Noir.   

       - ahhhh, K.W. Jeter, I think.
Scott_D, Aug 06 2000, last modified Aug 08 2000
  

       How about other film genres: Western (tumbleweeds roll by, Indian silhouettes appearing in the distance), Sci-fi (automatic sliding doors, robot voices), Porno (grunting, bad sax music), Slapstick (lots of rakes lying around, runaway trains), and so on.
mrthingy, Aug 25 2000
  

       This idea speaks to the sense of ironic distance I have come to enjoy after an endless string of betrayals and failed relationships, leaving me in a twilit, noir like haze of memories.   

       Seriously though, did anybody ever read Samuel R. Delany's "Nova"? A great book, one of my all time favorites, and in one part, a hologram projector is used to augment a party.
Scott_D, Aug 25 2000
  

       The genre that would *really* sell for this is High Disney Animation; exactly when you wake up, a glorious flood of sunshine comes in your window (the Ott-Lite pelmet, sold separately) adn the bluebirds sing to you! To you! Tra-la!   

       And as ou go from room to room your pets and appliances praise you and say cute dumb things; and when you're inactive they break into set choral routines. One could sell paint and carpeting and stuffed toys and a complete set of small household appliances to elaborate this theme.   

       Who knows, maybe it would make most people more cheerful.
hello_c, Sep 02 2000
  

       I hate bluebirds.
DrBob, Sep 02 2000
  

       "Who knows, maybe it would make most people more cheerful."   

       Or psychotic. I hate the happy little noises that Windows attaches to every function by default. If my appliances started making happy little noises, I'd have to beat them all to death.
StarChaser, Sep 02 2000
  

       I'm sure you are *far too intelligent and sophisticated* to enjoy anything cheerful, let alone Disney. You may, however, have noticed that this is not a majority position in the world at large.   

       The backend for such a system should be useful for any number of 'skins', and I'd hate to waste the engineering effort.   

       The trick would be to maximise customization for several users who wanted different styles but lived in the same house. Relatively easy for voiceovers alone, harder for anything solid.
hello_c, Sep 05 2000
  

       I forsee problems in marketing the official Disney-licenced package in the same box as [mrthingy]'s "Porno Home". There's probably several levels of this with options which can be achieved solely with a voiceover/soundtrack (Film Noir Home, Deja Vu Home, Porno Home) and then more sophisticated versions for which either props are required (small motorised tumbleweeds for the Western Home) or a tighter level of integration with household devices is required (Disney Hi-Animation Home).

I'm sure there's scope for a Soap Opera Home too.
hippo, Sep 07 2000
  

       I doubt "Porno Home" would ever need marketing, and "Disney Home" would sell all the better with the secret knowledge that it could be reused.   

       IP suits on the Little Mermaid spinoffs coming *right* up...
hello_c, Sep 08 2000
  

       I like the idea of the personalised home which fits the individual user. This fits in with another idea on half-bakery about a TV set which could show multiple simultaneous pictures. Match it with the directive speakers, and anyone can experience a different feel (though you'd have to keep the TV glasses on so that the house could adjust the 'lighting' on a individual basis. And why stop at such a narrow group? Why not Star Wars house (running commentrary like "These are not the bagels you are looking for - use the force Luke (or else try the dishwasher) - ...) or Indiana Jones (Take some milk from the fridge, and try and avoid the spike trap and the rolling boulder which chases you into the hall.....) or Star Trek (which obviously comes in various versions - e.g. Original "Spock, you've got to to get some more washing powder" "Goddammit, Jim, I'm a chair, not a footstool!" etc. but further versions for Jean luc et al.) Of course, with some of these, you'd have to choose your character on entering the house....
goff, Sep 12 2000
  

       ...Or the Blade Runner directors cut version with lots of rain and NO voice over.....or maybe not...
Haemavore, Sep 24 2000
  

       Better still, have real time incidental music. For Example, or auto long shadow on the stairs. A special filter on the windows so that at night it's blue instead of black with light blue slits to represent the street lights coming through the blinds.
Odwin, Jan 20 2001
  

       matrix house: see everything in a green light and have the house tilt and roll so that you can run up the walls(obviously the decor must be very stylish)
technobadger, Jan 22 2001
  

       beetlejuice house: the stairs and walls are at odd angles,in odd colours,and eerie blue light shines through the windows. of course ,you could never leave..........
technobadger, Jan 22 2001
  

       every time your girl/boyfriend comes round they immediately light up a cigarette (even if they dont smoke) and start acting suspiciously - if its a girl she will have wet hair and look likes shes been crying / been hit - if its a guy he will have a bullet wound - either in the shoulder or the side of the stomach which won't be discovered for several minutes into the conversation....
stanton, Mar 27 2001
  

       The narrating house would just, plain, drive-me-nuts. Anyone remember the talking cars (Nissan: "Your door is ajar.")?

I'm sure before too long I'd be up pulling memory modules while the house sang "Daisy" to me.
ingoo, Apr 18 2001
  

       Dr Bob and Hippo, halfway through this thing sounded exactly like Lesley Nielsens character in Naked Gun,
JoshW, Apr 28 2001
  

       Remember the cars? I HAVE one...I love it. "Lights are on" is much better than 'Bing...Bing...Bing...' and trying to figure out what it means...
StarChaser, Apr 29 2001
  

       [JoshW] - thanks!
[ingoo] hmmm - the "2001" home. I like it.
hippo, Apr 29 2001
  

       Glad this came back onto the recent list; I've meant to add an adulatory annotation. Tres magnifique.
Dog Ed, May 04 2001
  

       as have I. This type of thread is what HB is all about, methinks; a lunatic idea, with some thoughtful, sarcastic, insightful and humorous annotations, is perfectly representational of that to which we all aspire here. Very nice indeed.
absterge, May 04 2001
  

       this is a really hip product, i really like the disney version althought i think i would want to combine it with the film noir version. singing flowers and ooh a jungle. eyes pearing out at you from your plants with growling and purring of large evil rambunctious wilderness cats. hehe sounds like i could be wilderness chick, maybe add some pornography to my disney package, like simba and nala when she knocks him down and is on top of him, hehe you know what happens when the curtain closes.
autumnrainbow, Jun 08 2001
  

       Id have mine set up like star trek - every time someone comes up towards my front door the house goes to red alert and puts them on the viewscreen. If they are someone I dont like they show up as a klingon or something and my house fires phasers(probabley water cannons, maybe with food colouring) at them. If they get close the house rocks/wobbles, a voice tells me shields are failing and one of my apliances explodes. It goes without saying that no Star Trek house can include fuses.
RobertKidney, Jun 13 2001
  

       Hmm. Alcohol on the desk, no food in the fridge, and here in Scotland it's always raining... I think I already have a Film Noir Home.
Guy Fox, Jul 18 2001
  

       I just started reading 'Noir' by K W Jeter. A futuristic detective novel in which the hero, McNihil, has had eye implants that re-interpret everything he sees into film noir.
DrBob, Aug 21 2001
  

       I wonder if he gets the Eyes of Laura Mars?... Does it look better like this... or like this? Is it clearer like this... or like this?   

       http://www.geocities.com/j_nada/carp/eyesofmars.html
count_chocula, Aug 21 2001
  

       i am ashamed to say that i was expecting an innovation in the caring for aging film noir actors...i saw HUNDREDS of them dressed in PJs walking through the cafeteria mumbling to theirselves "the meatloaf was tough, but moving my bowels was tougher..." It was still raining-----------
1MilesWest2, Oct 30 2001
  

       He sat at the keyboard contemplating the idea. He knew that the dame behind him didn't like it... but that only made it more appealing to him.   

       Tommorow was another day. The babe had legs up to here, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, he told himself as he clicked on the "for" link. He'd make it up to her later. He always did.
spaceman_spiff, Jan 22 2002
  

       I'm assuming that the narration would be intertupted by any voice commands? Otherwise, trying to talk over the sound of a house would get very tedious and noisy.
HappyKitty, Feb 08 2002
  

       just think about the product placement opportunities... a free coke machine (as long as its placed next to your phone that keeps ringing in the dead of night), free nike's (for moodily putting on when raised out of your bed at gunpoint) & all the donuts you could eat (& leave scattered about on your desk in their wrappings just before the fatale femme appears).
mymus, Mar 15 2002
  

       //Please cut'n'paste/delete your annotations as you see fit//   

       [Jutta]: Surely copying would be a preferable alternative to cutting?
NickTheGreat, Jun 03 2002
  

       the only downside: it could be embarassing when your mom visits. Also, it would be difficult to sleep.
subgenius, Jul 05 2002
  

       There was an article in Wired magazine a couple years ago about a guy who had an experimental implant in his arm that triggered responses in his home - doors would open, lights would turn on... Someone should contact him with this idea. My place would be wired to detect my moods. For example, it would say, oh I don't know, something like "He wasn't good enough for you anyways" or "He'll regret it one day", or other totally, uh, random comments to coincide with your emotions. Could call it the Good Mom House.
Yenny, Jul 24 2002
  

       Yenny, you're thinking of Kevin "of" Warwick. He's gone waaay past opening doors. For his next trick, he'll hook his wife and himself up to a computer so that they can bicker telepathically. Or something.
calum, Jul 24 2002
  

       This reminds me of something we used to do (usually when we were drunk) called "The Narrator". For example, if you were to ask me "Hand me a beer", someone else would follow with "He asked thirstily." Variations include the Designated Narrator (only one person allowed to narrate), Soap Opera Narrator (must be dramatic, must be cheesy) and MindReading Narrator (what a person is really thinking at the time) Doesn't sound exciting in writing but after 2 or 3 hours of drinking, strictly high-hilarity stuff.
deepblue9, Jul 31 2002
  

       Of course the house would read your mind, in order to have comments as   

       "she was trying to look like a high-class broad, with all the rings and jewels and such, but I saw right through that like I saw through the flimsy lace."   

       and if you're a person who has trouble with never being able to come up with decent comebacks, try the "Snappy P.I. edition" which includes such insults as   

       "I'll kill you so hard your mother'll die"   

       and   

       "you smell like a wrecked perfume truck".
Macwarrior, Feb 10 2003
  

       First of all: Perfect idea.. I laughed when I read it, and if I had the moeny I would do it in a heartbeat (And, yes, I would suffer through those times when it either got it all wrong, or hit the nail on the head after a long day ;)   

       Secondly; to add to the previous comments about house modification and "skinning": totally doable.. You could have the underlaying framework and purchase/create/share "Packs". The house would know what you are doing, and react to it audibly as well as visually. M.I.T has come up with a printable display - All that would have to be done is to use it instead of wallpaper and you have instant presto-chango....   

       Just imagine waking up in the middle of the night (Keeping Noir for the moment), and turning on a lamp.. The walls are a dull grey wood pattern, looking ancient and grubby.. There is an image of smoke lingering and wafting in the room.. The narration kicks in with something suitably dark and proceeds to alter the shadows as you walk.
JackandJohn, Feb 10 2003
  

       there's some guy in the american northwest- oregon or washington, putting together a haunted house/bed and breakfast, complete with moving walls, mirrors with someone moving behind you etc...
slightly, Mar 06 2003
  

       it would be a fantastic prank to crosswire the input and output of two noir houses. i get up int he middle of the night and my neighbors house narrates, waking him up and leaving him wondering why someone was telling him about getting a glass of water...
urbanmatador, Apr 01 2003
  

       ([urban] your suggestion also works for "Deja vu Home" (linked) - see my (May 21, 2001) anno to that idea.)
hippo, Apr 01 2003
  

       I know this have had to been metioned before but it would be awesome if you can get a Blade Runner edition. Where all voices are like Deker's and you can get cool gear that looks just like the props from the movie. A deluxe Phillip K. Dick edition.
The Tick, May 31 2003
  

       Some background music will do you good. I'd prefer 70's porn style brass horn music.
JohnnyOla, Jun 04 2003
  

       I'd like to stretch this one a little wider, as it were, by suggesting that a whole range of differentkinds of anima could be added on to your house, so that where some folks used bluebiurds and Cinderella/ Disney tralala, others might use Shakesperean jester routines to get you out of bed ("Up, now, jackanapes, th'are a sodden sorrow to thine kind!") or perhaps a Camusian, existential sort of maundering or even a dry witty series of quick one-liners which include clever literary and current event references -- different personalities for different folks. Some farmers might prefer a really level-toned, unimaginative, drabby voice with no sense of humor at all!   

       "Go on, Terry kid -- lean on 'em a little bit!!"
Amos, Oct 01 2003
  

       Genius. I love this idea. [+]
SpeedDemon, Dec 03 2003
  

       in 41 months 29 people have voted against this..... who are you and where do you live?..........
"It was a rainy day in December, I Lit a Cigarette as I contemplated the demise of another Noir-Hater, it would have to be slow....
Real slow.........
The_Englishman_Abroad, Dec 10 2003
  

       Definitely background music as well, but rather than 70s porn music, how about customized soundtracking? As your feet first touch the floor in the morning, you get the Beatles "A Day In The Life." Open the curtains and get the Eurythmics "Here Comes The Rain Again" (or "Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah" for the Disney House version).   

       Of course, this opens the commercialization door even further. Which commercial jingle would play when you open your refrigerator?   

       (And there's always the danger of stepping on the scale and getting the "She's Too Fat For Me" polka...)
gamerchyk, Feb 25 2004
  

       this is quite simply THE best idea on HB. Can we please try and get it up the chart so that we can at least get passed the highly unfunny and pointless 'use bizzare metaphors.' I thank you.
etherman, May 14 2004
  

       It was 2:30 and the rain was pouring down his face. I didn't mind. All that was going through my mind was what I would do to the salesman that told me I would sleep easy in a Film Noir house. The narrator paused for a minute, then began talking again. The rain continued to fall.
hidden truths, May 31 2005
  

       Here is a bun. Have it in the middle of the night.   

       ...I woke up. I went downstairs and got myself [dbmag9]'s bun. I ate it. I pondered the matter of how to prove the Countess was guilty. It was still raining...
dbmag9, Oct 26 2005
  

       Hi [Eth], I cast my vote. +
dentworth, Oct 26 2005
  

       The rain paused briefly as [dentworth] cast her vote, then started up again.
angel, Oct 26 2005
  

       Dentworth, realizing she had missed the point, strode determinedly into the pantry and shut the door. It was dark. The only thing that could save her now was dark. Dark chocolate.
dentworth, Oct 26 2005
  

       And [zeno] saw it was well and cast another vote where a vote was needed. Who will ever see? [zeno] thought.
zeno, Oct 24 2006
  

       I get up in the morning, teeth like sodden sandpaper and a dull thump in my skull like a fat man on a jackhammer. I don't know what day it is.   

       Suddenly a bluebird flaps in the window and starts singing to me, something about gallons of sunshine, I'm not sure; I really can't make sense of it right now. The room lights up and there's a few gigawatts of sunlight pouring directly into my retinae, god. Like I really needed that this morning.   

       Something was nagging at the back of my mind, like a latino wife with no grocery money. I wipe my hand across the bastard file that is my chin stubble and remember the note that dizy broad left for me last night.   

       "The FN home system is on the brink again. Get it fixed you useless bastard. Your daughter left for school yesterday crying, saying something about the bad man and his filthy mouth."   

       It all falls into place. Ignoring the cheerful "good morning!!" it gives me, I pick up the phone and dial the 1300 number.   

       [+]
Custardguts, Oct 24 2006
  

       "I gotta stop drinkin' Draino" UnaBubba mused to himself and went back to sorting through the pile of junk mail and bills on his desk.
DrBob, Oct 25 2006
  

       I lit a cigarette and watched the rain fall. The guy had missed the point like a graveside shoe shine. I sighed. Smoke swirled like creamer in a cheap cup of coffee . He would have to go.
egbert, Oct 25 2006
  

       I sent the cigarette spinning into the gutter. It hissed like the last breath of an asthmatic cockroach. Sure, the kid had a filthy mind, but his heart was in the right place. He chose his authors like a cheap broad chooses mascara, but hell, everyone deserves a chance.
egbert, Oct 25 2006
  

       "It was 11:15 AM on a Tuesday, and I couldn't stop laughing, thanks to this post." I totally love this!!
Grumbleshark, Jun 12 2007
  

       Having a narrator for what you are doing does you no good unless you have somebody to hear the narrator (besides yourself).
quantum_flux, Oct 12 2007
  

       [+]
Spacecoyote, Feb 25 2009
  

       Yay, I got to vote for this again.
Awesome illustration [hob].
  

       Thanks [hob] - great work!
hippo, May 17 2009
  

       Hadn't seen the illustrations yet. Very nice, I like!
daseva, May 27 2010
  

       wow, hob!
po, May 27 2010
  

       [[[clapping]]]
blissmiss, May 27 2010
  
      
[annotate]
  


 

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