Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Port masher

Apply to stilton
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Some people don't like it if you mash up stilton with port. To foil these party-poopers, the Port masher is carried in a belt-mounted holster.

Shaped just like a potato masher, but with finer mash-head-cutters, which are hollow and pierced with little holes. They are connected by pipes up to a port reservoir in the handle.

Squeezing the handle pressurises the port reservoir. Compression on the shaft opens the port valve.

So, next time your generous hosts uncovers the cheese plate bearing a mighty fine stilton, you can, quick as a flash and before anyone can stop you, whip out the Port masher and in one single downward sweep mash the stilton with port. Perfect!

pocmloc, Oct 23 2012

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       Will there be a separate weapon for the left-handed addition of peppercorns and butter?
lurch, Oct 23 2012
  

       Dear gods. Where were you people raised?
MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 23 2012
  

       The real world. If you squint, you can just make it out from the south-facing window of the fifth-floor recital parlor in the ancilliary children's wing of Buchanan Manor.
Alterother, Oct 23 2012
  

       I thought this was going to have to do with hanging around the docks attempting to molest unsuspecting female passersby.   

       Okay, so I didn't actually think that, but this idea seems equally random. I've never heard of mashing up Stilton with port, and a quick Google search does not seem to indicate that this is a common practice (one of the first results is in fact to this very page—dayum, Google, you quick!). Infusing it, perhaps, but attacking a block of Stilton with a masher seems a bit… barbaric.   

       That said, it would seem to accomplish the intended task simply and elegantly, so I suppose I can give you a bun for this. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to see about renting a boat.
ytk, Oct 23 2012
  

       //Dear gods.// In the family?   

       //Where were you people raised?// Well, in all actuality, speaking of family (I think)... put it this way. My aunt, Lydia Buchanan, was a close relative to Elijah Cutler Behunin (you can find him, or at least his house, on Wikipedia) (Yes, the last names are different - many accusations were thrown over who changed what about the name and when; shots were fired)...   

       Since Elijah (who read a book once, thereafter styling himself as E.C. Behunin, Attorney at Law) was one of the richer ones here-abouts, just look at the picture of his house, imagine said area without the house, and you've got where I was raised.
lurch, Oct 23 2012
  

       //My aunt, Lydia Buchanan,//   

       Good grief and all the fishes! Not THE Lydia 'Stumpy' Buchanan, of bullfighting fame? Walked with a lisp? If so, then clearly you and I are related - quite possibly to eachother.
MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 23 2012
  

       Perhaps, instead of having the port in a reservoir in the handle, the handle itself could be replaced by a tapered rubber bung which would jamb into the neck of a fine rare vintage bottle of port. That way the device to be holstered would be smaller, and you could also use the host’s generously provided port bottle as well.   

       [lurch], your idea is fine but the bottle mod suggested above would require two handed operation - the left hand grabbing the bottle, the right inserting thr masher, inverting and stamping. So perhaps the butter nozzle and pepper grinder attachment should be mounted on the fork of the masher itself, and driven by the pump-action already exploited to drive the port valve (and, if a bottle is used, the port pump).
pocmloc, Oct 23 2012
  

       It's not often discussed by the family.   

       But apparently three Zone brothers came over here from the Rhine to seek their fortunes in the 1800s.   

       Hans Jacob Buchanan made it here circa the Mayflower years. Buchanan became Biedertson, which became Peterson, which was my mother's maiden name.   

       She met my father, Norman Zone, god rest his soul, and here we are. I'm not certain where that leaves us.
normzone, Oct 23 2012
  

       Wait - I'm related to [lurch] AND [normzone]? (Incidentally, I've always wondered - norm'z one what, exactly?)   

       I was always told that Aunt Lydia had a dark and fecund past. Actually, she was probably best appreciated in the dark.   

       Regarding the port and stilton business - just really very no. Some people use port to stop the stilton drying out, but it's a waste of a decent port and also defeats the perfect pleasure of eating stilton and drinking port side by side. If you haven't got enough people to eat a stilton before it dries out unduly, buy either a smaller stilton or more friends.   

       Would you soak your MacDonald's in Coke? Marinade your pork scratchings in Guinness? Dump your cheese and onion crisps into your bitter? No, thought not.   

       For a brief and experimental period, Sturton did try putting port instead of water into the drinking troughs of one of our dairy herds, in the hope of producing a Stilton with a portish tang. Unfortunately, it is well nigh impossible to milk a cow which is lying comatose in the middle of a field, so we shall never know the outcome.
MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 23 2012
  

       I said there were party-poopers around. Loos like we have outed one at last!
pocmloc, Oct 23 2012
  

       I've been known to stir-fry sirloin tips in Jameson's. You never can tell what tastes good until you try it.
Alterother, Oct 23 2012
  

       I do drink Jameson's neat, when I'm all out of Black Bush, or when I'm cooking with it. In, fact, I'm reasonable certain that drinking Jameson's neat on an empty stomach is what gave me the idea to cook with it.
Alterother, Oct 23 2012
  

       //Jameson's neat//   

       Incidentally, the Jameson's Neat is actually the most popular breed for the extraction of Neatsfoot oil— which, incidentally, has not been an additive to Rentisham's since 1965, even despite their animal cruelty policy (“No less than necessary”).
ytk, Oct 24 2012
  

       //Neatsfoot oil— which, incidentally, has not been an additive to Rentisham's since 1965// Actually, although it was removed from the formulation in 1964 (reaching the shelves in 1965; the Wax needs a resting period of several months before use), it was reintroduced within six months. Neatsfoot oil not only tempers the flegative qualities of the Candelilla wax, but also ensures a smoother consistency when the Wax is applied at lower temperatures.   

       Rentisham's has only very rarely modified the formulation ("Composition 766", as it was originally known) and, in each case, it has soon reverted to the original recipe.
MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 27 2012
  
      
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