Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Squeezinator -- The Austrian Duck Squeezer (ADS)

Squeezes ducks and a large variety of other birds, mammals, fish and amphibia. (Hastalavista, Donald!)
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Inspired by the great Austro-Hungarian Empress Elisabeth I. who was known to be a passionate consumer of vaste amounts of carefully processed meat juice, we picked up the formerly lost idea of a greatly underestimated device:

The Austrian Duck Squeezer (ADS, copyright by ADS Inc.) squeezes the most precious natural juices out of your favorite duck (or any other animal) in a humane and relatively painless way. The living duck is comfortably placed in the internationally patented No Direct Harm Intended Container (NDHI). In order to squeeze the 'juice ball', the animal lover may either use manual force or rely on the 1200 Watt Power Bird Press (PBP). The extracted juice may either be consumed as a raw and delightful addition to your diet or be used for further food processing. Should the squeezed duck still be alive (unlikely, but certainly not impossible), either repeat the squeezing process or consult our website for further suggestions (www.squeezie.com/stillaliveandsmiling).

BTW: Beginning on January 1, 2004, ADS Inc. would like to invite its first 750 customers (or future customers as our product is not manufactured yet) to join in the inaugural celebrations of the Year of the Squeezed Duck (YOTSD). Keep your Duck Squeezer handy for spontaneous YOTSD celebrations with neighbors and friends.

tobi, Jan 05 2004

Liquid Meat http://www.halfbake.../idea/Liquid_20Meat
[phoenix, Oct 04 2004]

Turkey & Gravy Jones Soda http://www.jonessod...m/files/turkey.html
[phoenix, Oct 04 2004]

A culinary meat squishing system http://fantes.com/duck_press.htm
for ducks which are slightly less alive. [Amos Kito, Oct 04 2004]

[link]






       Oh my God. Getting out of here while I kan.
The Kat, Jan 05 2004
  

       I have a horrible feeling tobi, you will squeeze in here just fin.
The Kat, Jan 05 2004
  

       tobi, I would duck
theircompetitor, Jan 05 2004
  

       The strong desire for fresh squeezed duck juice?
Worldgineer, Jan 05 2004
  

       Dear Duck Lovers,   

       your immediate responses prove our globally experienced market researchers to have successfully identified a long desired product. If you would like to receive further information about the ADS and similar products, please return to this website on a regular basis. We are already looking forward to doing business with you.   

       Your friendly Austrian Duck Squeezer Team   

       PS. We still need a slogan for our product. Any ideas? Should the ADS ever go into production and your slogan be used, we'll provide you with a free one-year supply of Instant Duck Juice (IDJ), another great business idea by ADS Inc.
tobi, Jan 05 2004
  

       Swan Upping - Oh I make myself laugh sometimes.
The Kat, Jan 05 2004
  

       Duckomatic? Can I get it in Brookstone?
theircompetitor, Jan 05 2004
  

       I don't know about a slogan, but the ad could feature a child trying to insert a straw into a duck and drink it that way, and then the mother comes along with a Duck Squeezer and shows him how easy it is to get the juice out of it.
phundug, Jan 05 2004
  

       Don't Australian ducks have fur? Oh wait, Austrian. Never mind.   

       [Grom] Depends on where you stick the straw.
Worldgineer, Jan 05 2004
  

       Nice link, phoenix. But didn't Gravy Jones have a locker at the bottom of the sea?
lostdog, Jan 05 2004
  

       Pressed duck?
Ok, that was fowl, but on the three states of matter scale this would give you Pheasant Under Gas.
You could give tours of the graviary.
  

       slogans:   

       it's ducky!   

       fresh squeezed fowl, 'twill clear your bowel   

       duck juice: not just for empresses any more.   

       Quacktacular!   

       duck juice: the other bird drink.   

       Get your feet wet... Duck juice is back!
DadManWalking, Jan 05 2004
  

       "Be kind to your web-footed friends, 'cause a duck could be somebody's mother . . ."
FarmerJohn, Jan 05 2004
  

       Too late.   

       Step away from the duck.
waugsqueke, Jan 05 2004
  

       Im telling PETA on you!
Space-Pope, Jan 05 2004
  

       <direction-visuals>Camera swoops up and back (as a frightened bird) and widens out to a motley krew of 1/2 bakers singing earnestly (or as close as these ironic types can get to earnestness...)</direction- visuals>
The real wing.
  

       I'd like to buy the world an ADS
And fill it up with doves
Sip apples? Please! Pass the greebs
And snow white turtle doves.

Chorus:
I'd like to squeeze the world a drink
percolated hawk or three
I'd like to buy the world an ADS
squeeze it com*ple*teley
That's the real wing.
  

       (Repeat chorus) I'd like to squeeze the world a bird
Into perfect symmetry
I'd like to squeeze the world a drink
And back the bakery
That's the real wing

Chorus 2:
What the world wants today
Bird Squirt Soda (background)
Is the real wing

(Repeat chorus 2)
What the world wants today
Bird Squirt Soda (background)
Is the real wing
  

       I'd like to teach the world to swig
Sing with me (background)
of perfect coopers hawk
I'd like to buy the world a dove
And keep it coo*mfyee
That's the real wing
  

       (Repeat chorus) I'd like to squeeze the world a drink
percolated hawk or three
I'd like to buy the world an ADS
squeeze it com*ple*teley
That's the real wing.

(Chorus 2) What the world wants today
Bird Squirt Soda (background)
Is the real wing

(Repeat chorus 2)
What the world wants today
Bird Squirt Soda (background)
Is the real wing...
DadManWalking, Jan 05 2004
  

       So if you place a duck inside the inner chamber of an H-bomb, will the primary fission squeeze reaction be enough to make a golden egg?   

       (Okay, so that was nearly as dumb as this idea...)
RayfordSteele, Jan 05 2004
  

       Dubious duck endangering dumbasses doubt duckie's defenses. Defecation deflowered damn dainty ducky detainers.
Letsbuildafort, Jan 06 2004
  

       A talent such as yours should not be wasted in the food: meat drink category, where EVERYTHING gets a fishbone. It's a lovely idea, really, but I imagine that croissants are not part of your diet.
English Bob, Jan 06 2004
  

       While funny, this idea left me feeling vaguely nauseous. My reaction's the same as [phundug] above.
PeterSilly, Jan 06 2004
  

       because it rhymes with lemon. oh wait!
po, Jan 06 2004
  

       Let's see...slogans, slogan...how about:   

       "Wet your beak with this!"
"Save an orange! Drink a duck!"
"Duck juice: what your body's been cravian."
"She'll be impressed with your bird press!"
"Have a lark."
"The Squeezinator: Whether quail or owl, your juice will be fowl."
Overpanic, Jan 06 2004
  

       one more slogan:   

       Show them you care: give them the bird!
DadManWalking, Jan 06 2004
  

       I think it can all be traced back to that day when a duck killed my father.
Detly, Jan 06 2004
  

       Just send me the bill.   

       Lets not bill me for a quart ...
Letsbuildafort, Jan 07 2004
  

       So rather than the hair of the dog, we have the feather of the duck?
PeterSilly, Jan 07 2004
  

       I can't believe the generous reception you have received here for what is such a stupid, cruel and not-even-funny idea (NEFI). Have a fishbone with your duck juice.
dobtabulous, Jan 07 2004
  

       The Meat:Drink catagory seems a pretty popular fish hang-out ...
Letsbuildafort, Jan 07 2004
  

       I missed the word *live* in this. sorry I have to change my vote.
po, Jan 07 2004
  

       Boning this for cruelty, but won't pass up the opportunity to suggest "DuckBuster" (by Black&Ducker).
lintkeeper2, Jan 07 2004
  

       why is this even a catagory...i think it tempts people to think of nasty drinks you can make with meat.   

       [humanbean] that recipe will need a lot more than an ounce of brandy.....;)
babyhawk, Jan 07 2004
  

       Nasty idea.DUCK OFF!
python, Jan 07 2004
  

       Will it be indorsed by the godlike Bill Withers?
sufc, Jan 08 2004
  

       AGH AGH AGH AGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   

       <mashes fishbone button repeatedly, runs away screaming>
Shudder! Poor ducklings.
  

       //humane and relatively painless //
You crush the poor bird to death.
DesertFox, Dec 20 2005
  
      
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