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Riemann & Lobachevsky's Kama Sutra

Kinky activites in bent space
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Our sexual lives are unnecessarily constrained by that old prude Euclid and his boring fifth postulate. Our minds have been freed these last ninescore years from the limitations of flat space; surely it is time for our bodies to follow!

The first section of the Riemann & Lobachevsky Kama Sutra (somewhat misnamed, as it's not a religious work) would concern sex acts possible in spaces with positive curvature: these would be the intimate and cozy acts, and masturbation. A preface for the beginner would explore the possibilities of flat spaces with unusual connectivity, such as the 3-space analogies to the surface of a cylider or torus (T^3). Advanced material would investigate the potential of strongly curved space for bondage.

The second section of the book would cover negatively-curved space. These acts would be expansive and open with typically yoga-like positions. Advanced material would include hyperbolic orgies.

An illustrated edition also available with work by M.C. Escher.

(It's often been argued that flat space*time* would be superior for sex, but there are convincing arguments that at least a little gravity is useful. However, the R&LKS would concern itself with spatial curvature only. A more general work will have to wait for Einstein's contribution.)

wiml, Jul 03 2002

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       You really ought to write it, wiml. It would an inconceivable boon to those with limited conceptual abilities, I am sure. And surely sex in an inconceivable space would be unlikely to result in pregnancies?
Dog Ed, Jul 03 2002
  

       (Obligatory black / worm hole comment)   

       (Obligatory yeah, but it still tastes funny comment)   

       (Obligatory yeah, but try getting the bra off comment)   

       (Obligatory hey! I can finally reach that spot on my back comment)   

       (Obligatory if his fifth prostitute was boring, Euclid mustn't have been a very good pimp comment)
phoenix, Jul 03 2002
  

       Well, you could now f*** yourself backwards with a ********. For what that's worth.
DrCurry, Jul 04 2002
  

       <dumb comment> Might there also be Escherian porn? So that we might admire all those negative curves? </dumb>
polartomato, Jul 04 2002
  

       They should try this on the international space station.
NickTheGreat, Jul 04 2002
  

       <deep breath>   

       <russian accent>   

       Who made me the genius I am today,
The mathematician that others all quote,
Who's the professor that made me that way?
The greatest that ever got chalk on his coat.

One man deserves the credit,
One man deserves the blame,
And Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name.
Hi!
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobach-

I am never forget the day I first meet the great Lobachevsky.
In one word he told me secret of success in mathematics:
Plagiarize!

Plagiarize,
Let no one else's work evade your eyes,
Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
So don't shade your eyes,
But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize -
Only be sure always to call it please 'research'.

And ever since I meet this man
My life is not the same,
And Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name.
Hi!
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobach-

I am never forget the day I am given first original paper
to write. It was on analytic and algebraic topology of
locally Euclidean parameterization of infinitely differentiable
Riemannian manifold.
Bozhe moi!
This I know from nothing.
But I think of great Lobachevsky and get idea - ahah!

I have a friend in Minsk,
Who has a friend in Pinsk,
Whose friend in Omsk
Has friend in Tomsk
With friend in Akmolinsk.
His friend in Alexandrovsk
Has friend in Petropavlovsk,
Whose friend somehow
Is solving now
The problem in Dnepropetrovsk.

And when his work is done -
Ha ha! - begins the fun.
From Dnepropetrovsk
To Petropavlovsk,
By way of Iliysk,
And Novorossiysk,
To Alexandrovsk to Akmolinsk
To Tomsk to Omsk
To Pinsk to Minsk
To me the news will run,
Yes, to me the news will run!

And then I write
By morning, night,
And afternoon,
And pretty soon
My name in Dnepropetrovsk is cursed,
When he finds out I publish first!

And who made me a big success
And brought me wealth and fame?
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name.
Hi!
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobach -

I am never forget the day my first book is published.
Every chapter I stole from somewhere else.
Index I copy from old Vladivostok telephone directory.
This book was sensational!
Pravda - well, Pravda - Pravda said: (Russian double-talk)
It stinks.
But Izvestia! Izvestia said: (Russian double-talk)
It stinks.
Metro-Goldwyn-Moskva buys movie rights for six million rubles,
Changing title to 'The Eternal Triangle',
With Brigitte Bardot playing part of hypotenuse.

And who deserves the credit?
And who deserves the blame?
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name.
Hi!
  

       </russian accent>   

       (all credit goes to Tom Lehrer)
yamahito, Jul 04 2002
  

       ....... Big Bang Theory ?????
8th of 7, Jul 04 2002
  

       To achieve a sizable curvature in space-time you could only have sex with very massive people.
pottedstu, Jul 04 2002
  

       <deep breath>   

       <russian accent>   

       Who made me the genius I am today,
The mathematician that others all quote,
Who's the professor that made me that way?
The greatest that ever got chalk on his coat.

One man deserves the credit,
One man deserves the blame,
And Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name.
Hi!
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobach-

I am never forget the day I first meet the great Lobachevsky.
In one word he told me secret of success in mathematics:
Plagiarize!

Plagiarize,
Let no one else's work evade your eyes,
Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
So don't shade your eyes,
But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize -
Only be sure always to call it please 'research'.

And ever since I meet this man
My life is not the same,
And Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name.
Hi!
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobach-

I am never forget the day I am given first original paper
to write. It was on analytic and algebraic topology of
locally Euclidean parameterization of infinitely differentiable
Riemannian manifold.
Bozhe moi!
This I know from nothing.
But I think of great Lobachevsky and get idea - ahah!

I have a friend in Minsk,
Who has a friend in Pinsk,
Whose friend in Omsk
Has friend in Tomsk
With friend in Akmolinsk.
His friend in Alexandrovsk
Has friend in Petropavlovsk,
Whose friend somehow
Is solving now
The problem in Dnepropetrovsk.

And when his work is done -
Ha ha! - begins the fun.
From Dnepropetrovsk
To Petropavlovsk,
By way of Iliysk,
And Novorossiysk,
To Alexandrovsk to Akmolinsk
To Tomsk to Omsk
To Pinsk to Minsk
To me the news will run,
Yes, to me the news will run!

And then I write
By morning, night,
And afternoon,
And pretty soon
My name in Dnepropetrovsk is cursed,
When he finds out I publish first!

And who made me a big success
And brought me wealth and fame?
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name.
Hi!
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobach -

I am never forget the day my first book is published.
Every chapter I stole from somewhere else.
Index I copy from old Vladivostok telephone directory.
This book was sensational!
Pravda - well, Pravda - Pravda said: (Russian double-talk)
It stinks.
But Izvestia! Izvestia said: (Russian double-talk)
It stinks.
Metro-Goldwyn-Moskva buys movie rights for six million rubles,
Changing title to 'The Eternal Triangle',
With Brigitte Bardot playing part of hypotenuse.

And who deserves the credit?
And who deserves the blame?
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name.
Hi!
  

       </russian accent>   

       (all credit goes to Tom Lehrer)
yamahito, Jul 04 2002
  

       Yeah, but with the time dilation, you'd finally be able to rebut any complaints about how it didn't last long enough.
shapu, Jun 18 2004
  

       How long it lasts is not an absolute measurement, it is relative to the body you are measuring from. If you measure it from my body it always seems to last longer than if you measure it from another. This leads me to conclude that I travel at extremely high speeds.
wagster, Jun 20 2005
  

       Is it available in a pop-up edition?
BunsenHoneydew, Nov 21 2009
  

       Hyperbollock geometry.
nineteenthly, Nov 21 2009
  
      
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