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Transatlantic Custard Pipeline

To fill a critical shortage
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Today I found a remarkable thing.

A single, lone package of Bird's Custard Powder, on the top shelf at my mountain American grocer.

Excited, I asked the manager if he was planning on stocking it on a regular basis; he said, "No. I don't even know what it is or how it got here. We're not planning on ordering any more."

Plainly, some parts of the world are desperately lacking this important resource.

My plan is to build a Transatlantic Custard Pipeline to bring premixed custard from the factory to these American shores. The pipeline will lay on the ocean floor beneath the path of a major ocean current; giant windmill-like vanes in this current will drive propellors inside the pipe to assure a smooth delivery of well-mixed custard.

Hopefully, "western civilization" will cease to be an oxymoron.

lurch, Jan 25 2003

Bang the drum slowly http://shop.store.y...e/bircuspow21o.html
[thumbwax, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 05 2004]

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       <responding to now-vanished anno on provision of custard faucets, author forgotten>   

       I haven't figured that one out yet. You know of the "water-hammer" effect of shutting off a faucet? Combined with the dilatancy of custard, this would send a shockwave of solidity all the way back to Devonshire, breaking all the propellors in the process.
lurch, Jan 25 2003
  

       // How much would it cost to put in "Custard mains" to everyone's home and office? //

I couldn't find any custard plumbers in the phone book - it's going to cost a fortune
DenholmRicshaw, Jan 26 2003
  

       needs hot and cold taps. I like mine cold.
po, Jan 26 2003
  

       Lurch, you are correct about the water hammer effect, but the Devonshire Custard Mines have an automatic compensator fashioned from sheep bladders built into the pipeline to the Bird's factory. Otherwise the shockwave would disintegrate the granite flywheels and send the poor Dartmoor ponies flying across the other side of the stream. I'm sure a scaled down version could be built for domestic use.   

       PS I forgot to mention - it uses clotted cream in the dampers.
egbert, Jan 26 2003
  

       Mean Mr. Custard
thumbwax, Jan 26 2003
  

       Try another grocery store. Mine's got loads of the stuff.
waugsqueke, Jan 26 2003
  

       This is the best idea on here ina while. to hell with croissants. one custardy-delicious scooter pie for you. Of course this might violate the geneva convention rules on the international custard trade. Can't let our advanced custard technology into the hands of the hands on un-named middle eastern regimes.
notme, Feb 04 2003
  

       //Can't let our advanced custard technology into the hands of the hands on un-named middle eastern regimes//   

       Of course, the technological edge could be put to military use... (link)
Cedar Park, Feb 05 2003
  

       Definitely not [notme] and [Cedar Park], this is the wrong approach. We should be campaigning for open custard, custard as a force for peace not for war.   

       Why stop at a transatlantic pipeline? Let's build them all over the world. I am sure that many of the world's problems can be solved by pumping enough custard around the place.
Ludwig, Feb 11 2003
  

       Problems with your significant other? Bury them in custard! By the time they are found under all the people seagulling off the bust custard main all evidence that you where the cause will well and truely be eaten.   

       Problems with some obscure nation building nukes? Bury them in custard! (the nukes, not the country), custards radation dampening properties and sheer good taste make it the perfect solution to radioactive materials and terrorist ragimes combined, plus i'd like to see somebody try to launch a high speed nuke through a large layer of custard...   

       Problems with world hunger? BURY THEM IN... oh you get the idea *pant, weeze*
xxobot, Mar 02 2010
  

       Explody custard - interesting concept. It's explosive but thixotropic.
nineteenthly, Mar 02 2010
  

       It never occurred to me that terrorists have specific genres of music — jazz, in this case.
Ian Tindale, Mar 02 2010
  
      
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