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Anti-CPAP for competitive athletes

Bring the snore!
  [vote for,

Performance athletes like bike racers want to have high hemoglobin, and consequently high oxygen carrying / delivery capacity. But what if your God-given physiology or vegan diet preclude that high hemoglobin? Athletes are motivated to take drugs or give themselves transfusions to push that hemoglobin up. These things are increasingly frowned upon.

Here at BUNGCO we have found that sleep apnea and loud, glutinous snoring is associated with a high hemoglobin. Probably the periodic suffocation and anoxia is what does it. Unfortunately for them, athletes usually have neither the obesity nor the drunkenness which are reliable snore producers.

Introducing Anti-CPAP. Just as CPAP produces a flow of air to overcome airway resistance in snorers, Anti-CPAP cuts off the air to the sleeping athlete, reproducing the hypoxia they would experience with a good wet snore. Hemoglobin rises in an all natural way and everyone is happy.

BUNGCO's Anti-CPAP device can be tuned to produce the snore most appropriate for your needs and aesthetic sensibility.

bungston, Apr 01 2016

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       Well, at least it's not in other: [gen… oh, wait …   

       Simply reducing the oxygen content of the ambient air would work just as well. During the day, athletes could wear a full-flow mask supplying an oxygen-depleted mix.
8th of 7, Apr 01 2016

       That is already done. Endurance athletes who used to train at high altitude can now train and sleep in reduced-oxygen atmospheres for that very reason.   

       In a similar vain, Pontypool RFC used to do endurance training in the deepest chamber of a disused slate mine near Aberdyfi because, in the absence of ventilation, the air was only about 15% oxygen.
MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 01 2016

       // 15% oxygen //   

       More than they deserve.   

       // That is already done. //   

       We know. That is why we pointed it out.
8th of 7, Apr 01 2016

       Ah. In English, we use "would" and "could" to indicate possibilities. Top tip.
MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 01 2016

       In the context stated, "would" and "could" are designated 'second conditional perfect' in the subordinate clause, and are therefore amenable to both interpretations.   

       We just thought you would (might, could, should) like to know that.   

       // vegan diet //   

       ... in which case you deserve no sympathy whatsoever.
8th of 7, Apr 01 2016

       [8th], the allopectic style of inferior conjugation has not been given serious credit by serious grammarians for over fifty years. And the second conditional perfect has been debunked more times than I've had hot flushes.
MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 01 2016

       Fine, have it your own way, but they're still valid constructions, even if archaic. Let us know when you're going to light your bonfire of all those copies of Shakespeare's works ....
8th of 7, Apr 01 2016

       // they're still valid constructions// so are reflexive metachiesis and prosodic dystones, but try using those at the job centre.
MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 01 2016

       'Tis true, indeed .... even the once-proud Gerundive is teetering on the brink of extinction.
8th of 7, Apr 04 2016


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