Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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A Burning Grandmother Will Heat The Room

spontaneous combustion room heater
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Spontaneous human combustion is when a person bursts into flames for no apparent reason, and is totally consumed, apart from a piece of leg or other body part. When I first read about it, I was terrifed that someday this fate would befall me, but it seems only the elderly are susceptible.

The idea of human combustion has remained with me to the point where it's necessary for me to bring it into the realm of being a useful product. That product is called: A Burning Grandmother Will Heat The Room

The room needs to be large, as the heat from the apparatus is substantial. The actual heater takes the form of a convincing elderly figure, composed of metal, clothed in fire-resistant material, seated in a rocking chair. Inside the figure are a series of pipes to deliver the gas necessary to generate the low level flames which make the figure appear to be burning all over as it slowly rocks backwards and forwards on its motorised chair.

Reduced bedsit version consists of a pile of lumpy ashes that emit the heat, located beside a single lower limb, with a shoe still attached. (see pic)

xenzag, Nov 25 2019

spontaneous combustion pic https://www.higgypo...combustion-parapod/
warning..... it's quite realistic [xenzag, Nov 25 2019]

[link]






       // I was terrifed that someday this fate would befall me, //   

       Don't be silly. When our napalm strike hits you, the last thing it will be is "spontaneous " ...   

       // but it seems only the elderly are susceptible. //   

       No, the middle aged, sedentary and decrepit are also at risk, so you're still in the target group.   

       [+] for the idea.   

       Genuine Freecycle post: "WANTED : Large microwave oven to suit elderly lady".   

       We had to build one specially, but it was worth it ...   

       <later>   

       Suggested marketing slogan "The Gran that burns half as bright, burns twice as long ! "
8th of 7, Nov 25 2019
  

       Gruesome and bad. The whole spontaneous human combustion thing (which I too was intrigued and grossed-out by in the ‘80s) is pretty-much debunked. The thing all the cases had in common was elderly people positioned close to a naked source of ignition.   

       Bun anyway, because it’s an intriguing (if gross) idea. [+]
Frankx, Nov 25 2019
  

       xenie, you are so my kind of people. Evil, crazy and oh so unkind. I want to be related to you, or something weird like that.
blissmiss, Nov 25 2019
  

       You're my kind of girl... ha
xenzag, Nov 26 2019
  

       Oh for heaven's sake you two, get a room or something ...   

       And don't forget to set up a webcam; pay-per-view, of course - or should that be pay-perv-view ? Yes, on consideration that's probably right.
8th of 7, Nov 26 2019
  

       Rooms are good.   

       I imagine a deceased wrinkly old fart's dead skin flares much like bacon drippings down the barbeque grill leaving behind only the lowest extremities since heat rises.   

       Prove me wrong... no wait, belay that order.   

       WTF was I thinking?   

       You weren't. You're channeling the Intercalary again, stop it ...   

       Funny, never had you down as the psychically susceptible type.
8th of 7, Nov 26 2019
  

       This page came up in search results for hot grandmas in your neighborhood.
tatterdemalion, Nov 26 2019
  

       Whyever were you searching for ... no, actually, don't answer that. We don't want to know the sordid details.   

       <Shouts>   

       "[Bliss], you're up ..."   

       <Shouts/>
8th of 7, Nov 26 2019
  

       //I imagine a deceased wrinkly old fart's dead skin flares much like bacon drippings down the barbeque grill leaving behind only the lowest extremities since heat rises.//   

       When I was doing my degree at university, I spent a year in a large hall of residence. Fire alarms were pretty common, mainly due to incompetence, exuberance, and poor food preparation in the shared kitchen units.
One night there was an actual fire, and we could see greasy smoke billowing out of the upper windows. It smelled like pork chops. We thought someone had forgotten their cooking or something.
But actually, someone had gone to bed while inebriated with a lit cigarette, and accidentally immolated themselves.
  

       So now you know what this would smell like.
Loris, Nov 26 2019
  

       I had thought of a faint aroma of lavender for the Burning Granny Heater..... I do believe in addition that there's a worthy spin off idea for a "flaming arm-pit toasted sandwich maker," with the bread clamped firmly in place, and the grease running down to drip off at the elbow point. I may even call it The George Forearmpit Grill.
xenzag, Nov 26 2019
  

       What did it taste like ?   

       The stuff served up at the Buchanan family festivals does indeed taste very like pork, with a hint of panda ..,
8th of 7, Nov 26 2019
  

       //What did it taste like ?//   

       Wouldn't know. Vegetarian.   

       Why don't you find a group of firefighters and ask them, I'm sure they'll have something to say.
Loris, Nov 26 2019
  

       //the psychically susceptible type.//   

       Every new immunity is learned and the Intercalary's attacks are like scrambled-Playboy-channel-ish and I had to go all top-loading VCR to even see him squirming his way in.
For a drooler he's got some nerve.
  

       //So now you know what this would smell like.//   

       The cannibals don't call us long-pig for nothing.
Well, on that note... no breakfast before work for me now. Toodles.
  

       //The stuff served up at the Buchanan family festivals...//   

       Ah HA! I knew you guys were related.   

       Also, the whole schtick about not worrying about something because it only happens to the elderly becomes less comforting over the years <xenzag> Believe me.
AusCan531, Nov 27 2019
  

       Ha - I switched off my age in years decades ago.
xenzag, Nov 27 2019
  

       // decades //   

       Pr. "Almost a century"
8th of 7, Nov 28 2019
  

       // Ah HA! I knew you guys were related.// That's most unlikely. For one thing, the French side of the Buchanan family split from the rest of us somewhere around 1500-1520. So, I'm probably about equally related to [Xen] and 2/3rds of the current French population (ie, equally distant). And for another thing, well, just not.
MaxwellBuchanan, Nov 28 2019
  

       That makes you a candidate for sponaneous combustion..... we do sell a fire-extinguisher suit with built in foam channelling if you have interest?
xenzag, Nov 28 2019
  

       Is that pre or postmortem granny burning?   

       //French side of the Buchanan family split from the rest of us somewhere around 1500-1520   

       Saves on all that avecing.
not_morrison_rm, Nov 28 2019
  

       It's only the "poph" that makes anthropophagy sound jolly.
pertinax, Nov 29 2019
  

       This could quite possibly be the idea that sticks in my brain for the start of 2020. Wowsie, it's gonna be a good year/decade, I can see it now.
blissmiss, Nov 29 2019
  

       // it's gonna be a good year/decade //   

       The first three years, possibly. After the asteroid hits, maybe not so much.   

       Of course, we could still deflect it. We take rare minerals, body parts, complete (functioning) humans*, and all major credit cards.   

       *But not members of the Buchanan family, even if they come with a "gernuine" certificate of authenticity* issued by the "vAtekan" and "singed"** by the Pope***   

       *Apparently they have gone "green" and now write such things on the back of McDonalds receipts, instead of sheets of vellum.   

       **there are brown marks round the edge; we hope they're due to the application of excessive heat.   

       ***in green crayon, usually.
8th of 7, Nov 29 2019
  
      
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