Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Dictator Remote Control

Achilles heel in a box.
(+2, -2)
  [vote for,

I lost my remote control recently, and with it the ability to operate my television set. For years I had a small TV with no remote, and I controlled it with an iron grip. If I wanted BBC, I got BBC. With a cold blooded switch-flick I could instantly remove the BBC, and replace it with Channel 4. Just like that.

My remote control basically has a relationship with my TV which I no longer understand. When I lose it, or the batteries run out, I'm frozen out in the cold. I still like my remote because 1) I'm lazy and 2) I like things with buttons on.

So why not market a big shiny remote control to make life easier for dictators, particularly those in exile? Press the blue button and your army invades a neighbouring country, the green button spreads damaging rumours of your WMD programme, and the big red button ensures a steaming hot cup of tea is delivered to you withing 30 seconds of being depressed.

In reality, people would have to be reacting to the remote control, and ensuring that the dictator's wishes were carried out.

Although this idea might initially make life more luxurious for dictators, when they lost their remote control down the back of the sofa, or the batteries ran out, they'd have no idea what to do, and glorious revolution would ensue.

Fishrat, Oct 02 2003

Any relation? http://www.thejump....pacific-ratfish.htm
How can you press buttons without fingers? [squeak, Oct 05 2004]


       Nice twist.+
What happens if the dictator is one of those scarily organised, military wierdos who never looses things? Maybe we could send in the SAS to hide the remote.
squeak, Oct 02 2003

       Or get the CIA to disrupt the export of batteries to her/his country?
Fishrat, Oct 02 2003

       I assume these are for male dictators.
FarmerJohn, Oct 02 2003

       [Farmer John] If I understand your question, I'd say that anyone who wants to control a country all by themselves is likely to enjoy the simple power of using a remote control, whether they be male or female.
Fishrat, Oct 02 2003

       [squeak] Thanks for the picture [link]. What's that man doing to granny?
Fishrat, Oct 02 2003

       In the future, the only reason to have children will be for entertainment, i.e., only children will be able to work the remote control.

In the far future, children will no longer speak English, or any other human language. It will be too primitive for them. They will speak to each other with the digital flashes of infrared beams.

They will be their own remote controls, and they will control everything.
pluterday, Oct 02 2003

       Will children need batteries in your future vision, [pluterday]? If so, could we take them out, rather than pay for baby sitters?
Fishrat, Oct 03 2003

       Would this remote act like a Tivo set? This way the 'dic could go on about his day and if something happened earlier on that he missed, he could simply replay it and insert his 'tatorisms as they occur in Tivo-time, resulting in a refurbished present, which is actually the past, but now becomes the present once it's changed to the 'dics taste in the future...anyone got rabbit ears for this?
VuDuBlade, Oct 03 2003

       Vision? It ain’t no stinkin vision, fishrat. I’ve been thar to the far future. I seen the children with their blinking Led’s, surrounded all round by toddlers telling me with their digital beams...telling me to do what? What, what is it, I said to em. But they be but babes. So I decoded it.....f..e..e..d.....u..s. I sore felt for the starvin critters, so I gave them some cheese bottles filled with rum. After that they jabbered on, but they was all addled by then.
pluterday, Oct 03 2003

       [squeak] why would you want to send in Scandinavian Airlines to hide the remote?
bristolz, Oct 03 2003

       ... or one of the world's largest software companies?
PeterSilly, Oct 03 2003

       [plute] Let me know before your next visit to the far future - you can use my palm pilot.
Worldgineer, Oct 03 2003

       I wish someone would deliver me a steaming hot cup of tea within 30 seconds of being depressed.   

BunsenHoneydew, Jun 11 2004

       Annexe your neighbour. That should oughta cheer yup.
Fishrat, Jun 12 2004

       My cat has a habit of stepping on the remote control and changing the channel. I think an unplanned invasion might be a bit much.
Bad Jim, May 25 2008


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