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Ejection Saddle

fly-by knight.
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During a joust or melee, a knight (or cowboy) may decide he/she'd rather not be on the horse at that particular time.

Reach down, grab the handles bracketing the pommel/horn of the saddle and pull upwards. The girth cinch drops away and a spring device, anchored to the armour at the steed's withers and hips, catapults the seated rider fifteen feet into the air. Horizontal direction is determined by the tilt of the saddle at activation.

The unsaddled horse is then unrideable without attaching another (proprietary) saddle, or removing the armour.

Care should be taken to note the presence of any pikesmen, arrow volleys or low bridges in the immediate area.

FlyingToaster, Sep 21 2014

Horse Alarm Horse_20Alarm
[theircompetitor, Sep 21 2014]

The original full episode https://www.youtube...watch?v=X4115NGKdDA
Kid at the end says "nebbuch" what language is that? Was bugs always racist like this? [pashute, Oct 02 2014]

[link]






       So, essentially, a suicide device. Why? Also, unless I am far off it's going to kill the horse too.
WcW, Sep 21 2014
  

       Neither suicidal -   

       A 15 ft drop is the equivalent of a parachute landing,   

       nor equicidal -   

       The mechanism is attached to the armour at the horse's shoulders and butt, so the spring-force goes into the mount's legs, not the back.   

       The horse is reusable though it may be a bit ticked off..
FlyingToaster, Sep 21 2014
  

       // The horse is reusable. //   

       That's the downside, really.
8th of 7, Sep 21 2014
  

       No, the real downside is dealing with the aftermath of setting off a giant mousetrap directly behind a horse's head. Think a very small but very powerful tornado that ends apbruptly with a lot of shrieking and a single gunshot.
Alterother, Sep 21 2014
  

       A fall of 15 feet in jousting armor, typically inflexible and weighing as much as 100 lbs. And the horse taking the force of throwing said individual +100lbs of armor. Yes I believe there is a serious chance of lethal injury to both parties.
WcW, Sep 22 2014
  

       Just make the saddle and the armor a giant airbag. Use rockets for lift to minimize force on the horse.
sninctown, Sep 22 2014
  

       //A 15 ft drop is the equivalent of a parachute landing//   

       Nonsense. A 15 foot drop would have you hitting the ground at roughly 21 MPH. The standard descent rate for a T-10 parachute is at most 16 MPH, and a correctly executed parachute landing (wherein you flare the chute in order to convert vertical speed to horizontal speed) should have your vertical speed at very close to zero when you touch ground.
ytk, Sep 22 2014
  

       Anyone stupid enough to climb onto a horse in the first place deserves to die.
8th of 7, Sep 22 2014
  

       It would be advantageous to construct a device which ejected your opponent instead.
mitxela, Sep 22 2014
  

       Howabout --- and I'm just spitballing here --- not getting on the horse to start with?
baconbrain, Sep 22 2014
  

       That's the best plan so far ....
8th of 7, Sep 22 2014
  

       I sense a handful of non-riders and a couple of riders here. The idea fits within the confines of the Halfbakery, but is inherently self destructive.   

       Some people are so unfortunate as not to have a plethora of positive horse experiences to draw on - I feel sorry for them.
normzone, Sep 22 2014
  

       It would be nice if you showed why this idea came up...
pashute, Sep 22 2014
  

       // positive horse experiences //   

       What are they, then ?
8th of 7, Sep 22 2014
  

       Imagine having a large animal that does what you ask of it, takes you wherever you wish to go, is comfortable to travel on while simultaneously giving you good exercise and keeping you fit.   

       You are the envy of those you meet, many women wish to talk with you, and in a pinch your animal will help you move objects too heavy for you to lift.   

       My mustang was effectively an 800 pound loyal dog crossed with a jeep.
normzone, Sep 22 2014
  

       My dog crossed with a jeep once ...
baconbrain, Sep 22 2014
  

       And, unlike children, if you leave them outside in the rain and only feed them twice a day, no one will call the police. You can also sell or rent them with minimal controversy.
normzone, Sep 22 2014
  

       What you need here is an ejection booster rocket which supplies its own downforce without overloading against the horse. Nevermind the extra weight in fuel...   

       Doh, now I note that snictown already mentioned that. Twice.
RayfordSteele, Sep 22 2014
  

       // does what you ask of it, //   

       Like "stop eating incredible amounts of forage, and subsequently producing vast amounts of shit that have to be shovelled and barrowed away every mornng and evening" ?   

       And that's without the farrier once every six weeks, and $200 a time just for the vet to visit - never mind the treatment - and worming paste, and the cost of the tack, and the horsebox, and the stable, and hay, and the paddock, and ....   

       // takes you wherever you wish to go, //   

       What, the bankruptcy court ?   

       // is comfortable to travel on //   

       Original leather seat in Avro Lancaster = comfortable. Funny shaped hard chair balanced precariously on top of smelly, hairy, unpredictable and expensive creature with no brain ... ?   

       // while simultaneously giving you good exercise and keeping you fit. //   

       Uncontrollable screaming does indeed exercise the lungs.   

       // You are the envy of those you meet, //   

       Except those with a brain ..   

       // many women wish to talk with you, //   

       ... and if you have one gram of sense in your body, you will run screaming from those women as if they were vampires intending to suck your life's blood fron your body and sell the remains for fertilizer (which, in fact, they are).   

       // and in a pinch your animal will help you move objects too heavy for you to lift.//   

       Thankyou, a truck-mounted crane will do the same job and not require you to get up at 0530 on a rainy winter's morning to feed it, put its rug on, and walk it down to the field, where it will spend the day getting muddy before you have to bring it in and clean it up at nightfall.   

       // My mustang was effectively an 800 pound loyal dog crossed with a jeep //   

       What's the climate like on your planet ?
8th of 7, Sep 22 2014
  

       I know who I can go to any time I need the negative outlook, and I cherish you for that.   

       The trick is to live in the USA on some rural land containing some available forage,and supplement that with hay. Then it's a pleasant after work entertainment, not a second job.   

       Cleanup only need happen once or twice a week in large areas. More often in smaller areas, and this is quality time spent with your horse. I know, your witty rejoinder mocking such outlooks is available.   

       All of this costs no more than any of your current hobbies, and horses like ale as well.
normzone, Sep 22 2014
  

       [8th], horses can be much cheaper to keep in the US than in the UK. Note that I said 'can be'. No less time-and-effort- consuming, however, and there's still the problem of a body with the size and strength of a horse being operated by the brain of a horse.   

       My Dad had a large animal professor who frequently referred to horses as 'a thousand pounds of shit on top of four deadly weapons'--and this was a man who _liked_ horses.
Alterother, Sep 23 2014
  

       Well he was right about that. A wise owner will end the life of a bad horse if they cannot be shown the error of their ways. Not to say that is an easy decision - I know a horse who will work well for women and despises men.   

       I've known others who failed only because the owner was a dolt, and prospered under another.   

       Horses are reputed to be about as smart as dogs. This is discouraging when you think about some dogs, and encouraging when you think about others.   

       I'm fortunate in that my mentors in horsing were wise and experienced, and knew the difference between anthropomorphizing and communicating.   

       I got lucky with my choice of mustang, but the decision was carefully considered and I had the time to put into training. Two months passed between acquisition and getting in the saddle, but when I did he just said "Okay, what's next?"   

       I've known race track refugees that were great horses, and others that were dolts. I had a running quarter horse that I could send to the store for beer. He'd bring it all home without drinking any or even shaking it up, but they'd always short change him - he couldn't count worth a damn.
normzone, Sep 23 2014
  

       //All of this costs no more than any of your current hobbies, //   

       Killing slugs by poking them with a stick is pretty cheap. It's possible to get a serviceable stick for free, by scavenging. It's good healthy exercise in the fresh air, and the slugs enjoy it too, really,   

       // horses like ale as well //   

       They are also extremely partial to ham sandwiches, a fact we only became aware of when our lunch went AWOL.   

       // the brain of a horse //   

       Two neurons don't constitute a brain.   

       // four deadly weapons //   

       And the rest - the buggers can bite, too.   

       What sort of a maniac keeps a half-tonne of solid muscle as a pet, feeds it and exercises it to keep it fit, then nails - nails, mind you - great lumps of steel to its feet ?   

       And then the damed thing rolls over on its back in the grass and wants its tummy rubbed, and when that happens it waves its feet around to indicate pleasure, failing to note that each hoof is the size of a dinner plate and has a shoe fixed to it, thus being perfectly capable of inflicting a fatal cranial injury to human with no effort or intention whatsoever (which is actually more scary, because a lot of the damage they do is completely unintentional and indeed they're not even aware of it).   

       If you see a tiger, you think "Aha ! Big bitey thing with huge claws, eats meat, probably best to keep away", whereas a horse can kill you just by wanting to be friendly. That can range from being knocked flying into the mud because you look like you might have an apple, or getting crushed against the stable wall because someone's got an itch and you're just in the right place to be a scratching post.   

       Malice is much easier to deal with as it at least requires a directing mind. Random blundering stupidity is much worse.
8th of 7, Sep 23 2014
  

       //What sort of a maniac keeps a half-tonne of solid muscle as a pet, feeds it and exercises it to keep it fit, then nails - nails, mind you - great lumps of steel to its feet ?// Hockey team owners.
FlyingToaster, Sep 23 2014
  

       [8th] As always...okay, often - you make me laugh.   

       Most injuries from horses come from either failing to establish proper dominance over the horse in the first place, or unsafe handling practices. Example: Never go through a gate beside a horse. You go first, then horse follows. If you've been used for a scratching post it's because somebody let that horse get away with that behavior.   

       I'll pass on scratching tummies. I have had a horse rear and paw at me with his front feet. This is just a token "I'm mad at you" signal. I jumped up in the air, grabbed his halter, kicked him in the chest and let my weight pull him back down.   

       When they point their butt at you, this means " I'm going to kick you into last week ". Get the hell out of the way immediately, come around from the side, and boot them in the ribs. Provided you don't strike them in the eyes or joints, you can't really do much damage to a horse, but it gets the message across that you're the one that does the kicking around here.   

       I have neither horses or slugs in my life currently - any other recommendations?
normzone, Sep 23 2014
  

       //you can't really do much damage to a horse //   

       We are painfully aware of that fact. Especially if said horse is busy cropping grass and doesn't want to stop. Bashing it on the shoulder with both fists for minutes at a time is required to get its attention. And eventually it looks up with an expression that says, "Oh, it's you again. You're not interesting and you never take me anywhere nice. And I'm not frightened of you. Go away."   

       And oddly, some horses don't ever kick out at humans. They will placidly have their tail brushed, and their hooves examind and picked clean of mud. Even in a stable the main risk can be them being overly friendly.   

       // any other recommendations //   

       Chinchillas. Small, quiet, easy to look after, very tame.
8th of 7, Sep 23 2014
  

       Ah. Chinchillas. Those little SOBs bite unless you constantly socialize them. And it takes several to make a hat. No thanks.   

       Bashing it on the shoulder with both fists feels like another horse's friendly grooming to a horse. Put a halter on the animal, hook a halter rope to it, say " And...Walk.   

       And begin walking. If it doesn't play along, draw it's head to one side, and all the way back into a u-turn if required. It can resist you in a straight line all day.   

       Chinchillas. Not much room in Great Britain ? If you'll visit, we'll find you a Guzzi and some well behaved horses while you're here.
normzone, Sep 23 2014
  

       For horses willing to stand still, the Borg would likely prefer an Uzi to a 'Guzzi.
Alterother, Sep 24 2014
  

       Presuming the ejector saddle cannot be operated by hooves?
not_morrison_rm, Sep 24 2014
  

       Horses don't need an ejector saddle to rid themselves of a rider, just a fence, wall, low-hanging branch, or a well- timed lurch. They can be real jerks that way.
Alterother, Sep 24 2014
  

       Yes, but there's no point in tempting fate...if Dobbin can trigger it, there'll be trouble.   

       Possibly something like the safeties on claymore mines, but the notice would read thus"This side to face the enema"
not_morrison_rm, Sep 24 2014
  

       //well- timed lurch// It was usually when my timing was off that a fall occurred...   

       I've had several equine acquaintances. There were a few who were dumb, or evil, or stubborn - even one grey Arabian mare that managed to combine every ill trait imaginable - but there were also those that were pleasant and even funny.   

       Red, the only one I ever owned myself, liked jokes. I could tie him up with a make-believe rope, and he'd stay - but sometimes he'd pretend to take that rope in his teeth and wrap it around me, and then I was supposed to stay put while he wandered off to get a drink or something. If I moved from my assigned spot, he'd come running back, head down and shaking his mane, clearly displeased.   

       He believed in the Golden Rule - He who has the Golden Delicious makes the rules. (That is, once he had the apple, you may as well just go sit on the top rail, because he was done cooperating.)   

       He was about 17 hands high and a little over 1600 lbs (noticeably pudgy) so even riding him bareback was kind of like sitting astride a sofa sideways. Adding equipment, such as a saddle, was uncomfortable for both of us.
lurch, Sep 26 2014
  

       I've had a few horses in my time. Mostly from Findus.
MaxwellBuchanan, Sep 26 2014
  

       Red sounds like fun. Good thing too, at that size.   

       I have barebacked on a Belgian that was probably similar - I went on a couple of dates with a girl who managed hay rides, and she'd turn them out for exercise in the arena. A couple of them were permitted on the trail, and as you described, it was like a fur covered couch.   

       If you fell off your spot you had adequate time to get back on before you went over the side.
normzone, Sep 26 2014
  

       I was once a handyman at a large stable where rich college girls kept their horsies, and since the owners couldn't be there all day every day to tend their beloved beasts it was up to the well-paid but insufficient staff to groom, feed, and entertain the buggers. Therefore I too am familiar with the full gamut of horsey personality traits. Some are smart and playful, some are dumber than an earless cornstalk, and some are assholes--just like people. Only most people can't kill you just by backing you into a wall.   

       Not owning my own tack, yet nonetheless occasionally being shanghaied (sp?) into exercising the poor bored things, I have only ever ridden with a blanket (and sometimes the strap with the stirrups hanging off, whatever that's called), and being a tall guy I was always given the big horses to ride. It's been fifteen years and I swear I still have groin tears. What exactly is the appeal of owning horses for fun? After a lifetime spent around animals, I still don't quite get it.   

       In the area where I live now, most horses work for a living. Some twitch logs out of tight terrain where forestry equipment is difficult to operate, while some plow fields at hardcore organic farms that sell unbelievably expensive produce to people who live in big cities and enjoy paying $10 for a free-range carrot. Even the latter makes more sense to me than owning a horse for pleasure.   

       The local term for a working horse is 'hayburner'. There is no colloquialism for other horses, probably because working the land without diesel equipment is so fecking exhausting that nobody has energy to spare thinking up smarmy names for animals that don't earn their keep. If there was one, it would probably be something like 'February beef'.
Alterother, Sep 27 2014
  

       The only horse that I ever had long-term charge of was a Gotland Pony (quite large), that had been raised on a bottle by people who knew nothing of horses. All I knew about horses was that I was not going to let the big bastard bite any more people, especially not me.   

       I went in speaking softly and carrying a big stick. He never hurt me, and I never hurt him, but I made him blink a bit. We got to where we could ride around the pasture, as long as I didn't care where we went, precisely. When I took him to his next home, we both walked there, me with his lead in one hand and a walking stick in the other.
baconbrain, Sep 27 2014
  

       If I'm not mistaken [Alterother] owns a gigantic truck that used to be a military tool. I'm certain you find fun in developing uses for it. But many would consider that lunacy when smaller more practical vehicles exist   

       Riding horses is one of those things that the degree of fun had is partially dependent on the amount of experience you have. Kind of like driving race cars, or playing tackle football. Not apt comparisons, but I've had no coffee yet. And having the right horse, all the proper equipment, and the location are all big factors.   

       As well as the physical condition you're in and the match up of rider skill set with horse and personality.   

       Tales of horses abusing riders usually include an inexperienced rider who doesn't know that they're signalling to the horse " If you're in the mood you can push me around, because you are the dominant one in this relationship ". And horses are herd beasts, with a pecking order from top to bottom of the herd. You fit into that order someplace, and you get to choose where.   

       Gotland Pony, how very cool, great story. From Wikipedia: " The Gotland is considered to be a very quick learner, and described as easy to train. "
normzone, Sep 27 2014
  

       All-time bad horse experiences:   

       Hearing hooves galloping on a tarmac road, and knowing that this should never be done, looking round to see horse arriving home at great speed with a worrying empty space where the rider should be …
8th of 7, Sep 27 2014
  

       [8th], I'll see that story, and raise it to a New York City sidewalk.   

       (Near Central Park, where there is/was a riding track. I dunno where the horses call home, but that one was going somewhere urgently.)
baconbrain, Sep 27 2014
  

       After accidentally losing or deliberately throwing a rider, I have seen horses
  

       a) turn and run straight home
b) flee madly in some random direction
c) stop and wait for you to remount, while looking curious about why you did that
  

       I prefer the ones that do c)   

       All time bad horse experience? I guess I've been fortunate, but my mentors were cautious. I've known people kicked in the head. I helped pull a wannabe racehorse out of a trailer where he had broken his tie and flipped himself over backwards in transit. I've been bucked off, stepped on, bit.   

       You can discipline the bucking and biting - stepping on is usually just an accident.   

       Biting ranges from a grooming behavior to pure dominance - usually they will test you a little bit to see if you know your place in the pecking order, and then take a chomp if you don't respond assertively.   

       Bucking you have to keep their head up via reins and spur them forward - they can't buck if they can't get their heads down. It also helps to draw one rein back leading their head around to the side and spur the other side, spinning them in circles. Then you switch sides and go the other way for a while. Repeat until horse thinks this is too much work and agrees to be nice.   

       Hell, maybe I'm crazy and you're all right. Perhaps part of my enjoyment is convincing a horse that I'm boss without either one of us getting hurt. I didn't start out that way, I just wanted to go fast on horseback. All the psychology and leverage eventually came with the territory.   

       Boy this brings back some good memories - thanks.
normzone, Sep 27 2014
  

       //I've been bucked off// By a horse? That must require a huge amount of trust.
MaxwellBuchanan, Sep 27 2014
  

       [norm], I don't have to feed and wash my truck every damn day whether I use it or not. Also I can turn my back on it and not worry about it wandering away or biting me on the ass. Most of the time it just sits on my lawn looking pretty.   

       Your analogy does have a leg to stand on, though.
Alterother, Sep 27 2014
  

       I taught my eight year old nephew how to establish dominance over my mustang using only body language. On the gripping hand, said mustang bit the first women I sold him to on the breast. I repossessed him for his benefit, not hers. There had to have been lots of nibbles encouraged before that for him to take that tack.   

       The next, and final time I sold him I put him and the novice rider who bought him in the round pen and coached her on how to show him she was boss using only body language and voice. She loved it, and they got along great.
normzone, Sep 27 2014
  

       Nice Niven reference.
Alterother, Sep 28 2014
  

       I assume I am not the only one that read "erection saddle". I differ though in that I like your idea better.
bob, Oct 02 2014
  

       //Niven// been ages since I read... Ringworld(?)
FlyingToaster, Oct 02 2014
  

       The idiom 'on the gripping hand' is from 'The Mote in God's Eye', but it also led to the title for the book's sequel. Both are scifi must-reads.
Alterother, Oct 02 2014
  
      
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