Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Hibernation (Aestivation) Vacation

Domicile Dormancy for social and economic benefit!
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To those 1/2Bakers who live in countries with winter: you've pulled the covers over your head, you've been late for work, you've called in sick(and tired of shovelling, of scraping the windshield, of trying to move in 17 layers). If everybody does this, how can it be wrong?! Domicile Dormancy can help!

People automatically slow down in response to less light, and society pathologizes this as 'seasonal affective disorder' or 'depression'. Periodic, personally-controlled dormancy (similar to summertime aestivation) or semi-hibernation would actually work with the body, doing what it naturally wants to do, to provide a rest during darker, colder times, without the stress pressure of a facultative hibernation. The Domicile Dormancy team has a plan to work with your body, and get you safely and happily through Winter to Spring!

Here's how Domicile Dormancy works, beginning in October for Canada (please adjust for local geography):

1. Domicile Dormancy will help you to arrange a comfortable bed, with comfort dressings (blankets, pillows, microwaveable hot packs...) and several clean pyjama sets in your chosen style (no constrictive strings or add-ons which will irritate the sleeper).

2. Stock up as usual for rural Canadian winter; put up pickles and jam, lay by all your garden's root veg, bag a couple of ducks, geese, and a deer for the freezer. If you are unable to do this, Domicile Dormancy (hereafter referred to as DD) will stock your pantry and freezer, for an extra fee.

4. Be sure to set your bills to 'automatic payment' until at least the end of February, in case you are disoriented and can't remember what day/week/month it is. (Earlier in the year you will have saved for this eventuality.)

5. DD will provide householders with someone to make sure to snow-blow the driveway, fill up the birdfeeder, shovel the roof and generally make the place look lived in. You may wish to cancel the papers to save money on this service, as newspapers hidden in sudden snow squalls tend to jam the snowblower (shear pins are cheap, but a bugger to install in -40°C). DD will also periodically start your car so the battery doesn't freeze.

6. Go to sleep! Get up when you want, if you want, for as long or as little as you like. Wander around your house in your pyjamas, watch movies, surf the 'net, eat some of your stores, go back to sleep. No need to brave the frigid cold or speak to people until the sun returns in Spring.

Your Domicile Dormancy Outside Source worker will check on you at regularly scheduled times; you can contact DD at any time for a reality check, should you become disoriented.

Domicile Dormancy will employ those who choose not to hibernate on the skeleton crew to keep society functioning smoothly by caring for your home. Domicile Dormancy Lite provides similar services for apartment dwellers.

Combined with a guaranteed minimum living wage--for both the hibernators and the skeleton crew--dormancy would solve the over-work and over-consumption problems of end-stage capitalism, and allow a smoother transition to the gift economy (see Charles Eisenstein, Lissa Rankin).

I was just explaining this idea to the local substitute Canada Post postmaster*. He thinks it's a great idea and has nominated me for Prime Minister, when Justin "PJ" Trudeau is hibernating.

*The regular Postmaster is taking her vacation in a 'very likely fraught with danger' hot location, in the absence of a hibernation vacation plan. So, hibernation could prevent crime, too.

PS Seriously, though, [19thly] I'm just as surprised as you that your idea (2008's Hibernate To Save The World) hasn't been baked yet.

Sgt Teacup, Nov 26 2015




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