Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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LED Mystery Fez

Charity avoidance version
  (+13, -1)(+13, -1)
(+13, -1)
  [vote for,

Strolling throughout the city streets, I am often approached by strange people wanting me to join them in whatever group, charity or religion they also seem to be members of. Whilst morally sound in their quest to entice me toward them - to either sell me a free book, or look at the numbers on my credit card, it can easily become awkward and unsettling when I know deep in my heart I simply can't become a member of every group that I'm approached by.

The problem in avoiding these people - is that they always begin with a chirpy greeting - usually followed by some inane observation about what you're doing as you walk along i.e.

"hello there sir, your shirt is very red isn't it? Would you like to help save endangered worms?"

Or: "hi there, your packages look very heavy and you also look busy, can I interest you in some Scientology?"

I spend many sleepless nights worrying about how best to respond to these poor wretched people, who I know are trying to earn a living by commission, or have a vested interest in the topic at hand.

Sometimes I will pretend that I'm already a member of their group, which works quite well, but requires some stopping and engagement with said spruikers - to which they almost always try and catch you out with some kind of secret question that only a real member would know etc.

My new invention is a fascinating type of voice operated fez. As you see the group you wish to avoid from a distance, simply duck behind a nearby tree/bush/bin and you can quickly prepare. By tapping the brim of your headware twice, voice recognition software is activated, and you must then say in a stern, yet audible voice, the name of the group or charity you are approaching.

A disguised microphone will pick up your statement, and the in built fez computer will search it's data bank for the logo of the said group or cause. Once verified by the user, an LED display will light up across the front, showing the requested logo.

As they come near to you, you may simply point to your headwear and continue walking. If they question you further, you may pretend that you are actually the grand 'poobah' of their cause, and that you are late for a very important meeting/funeral/mission etc.

Drivers can be downloaded for both PC and Mac platforms, and the frilly string on the top has a USB attached.

benfrost, Dec 07 2009

The_20Church_20of_20No-Pants [hippo, Dec 07 2009]


       just like that!
po, Dec 07 2009

       USB Fez. Lovely, with or without the rest of it.
calum, Dec 07 2009

       But what if you're accosted by fundraisers for the Church of No-Pants (q.v.)?
hippo, Dec 07 2009

       A wide-eyed and almost impossibly wide grin usually startles them for long enough for you to continue on your way, unaccosted, without even breaking your stride - but a Mystery Fez would definitely help things along.
zen_tom, Dec 07 2009

       I've practiced "I'm sorry, but no." so much that I no longer feel guilty about it. The fez is even better.
wagster, Dec 07 2009

       Not sure about the name of the idea, but the fez is familiar...
Jinbish, Dec 07 2009

       Just deepen your voice, show the whites of your eyes and ask, "Are you the gatekeeper?"
leinypoo13, Dec 07 2009

       Staying perfectly stinking drunk is about as effective, and much more fun. They instinctively steer clear. It only failed me once. Entirely my fault. Literally weeping alcohol from my pores I entered the offices of Scientology from a little street directly off of Times Square with the seemed-good-at-the-time intention of telling them a thing or two. I recollect just enough to realize that it was one moment in my life of being sincerely, undeniably, foolish in the face of one of the most sincerely, undeniably, foolish institutions known to man. Not a pretty memory at all. At least I wasn't physicaly ejected. Or kidnapped. Or worse.
outloud, Dec 07 2009

       I like it and when not actually in use you could sell advertising space on it, with a moving display.   

       You could go over to this routine heard about it, not tried it yet...smile, look at them, then look around conspiratorially, then get close and say in a quiet voice "we are all naked, beneath our clothes" whilst nodding in a slightly manic fashion, then walk away..   

       Brim, yeah, it doesn't have a brim as you might might perceive other hats to have, but in some dodgy online dictionary it says "3. A border or an edge." e.g. " the cup was full to the brim" so it does have a brim, and so does everything else.   

       - or "My brother Esau is an hairy man; But *I* am a smooth man"
hippo, Dec 08 2009

       Earliest recorded case of waxing?   

       Even I have managed to sneak something so lacking in factual basis into wikipedia it makes most government statements look reliable. I won;t bore you with what..(later edit - Oops, double-checked and it turns out to have been a wikia, so maybe not up to wiki standards. Apologies to wiki people everywhere, goes off-stage and commits ritual suicide.)   

       or upgrade to an LCD fez, and then run a subliminal video loop with "bog off" or "You have broccoli in your teeth" or whatever until they go away.   

       But it says //The fez was initially a brimless bonnet// - no mention of continuing brimlessness. It could have been a mere micro-second, then bang! brims all over the place. "Nature abhors brimlessness"
pocmloc, Dec 08 2009

       So, cosmologists were wrong all these years, in fact we should talking about the Big Brim theory.   

       Time for my medication...   

       I like this immensely, and I am trying to still my qualms about its feasibility.   

       Until such be-gunnocked headware becomes commercially available, can I recommend making a pre-emptive strike by asking the offending person to join a sect or coven of your own devising?
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 08 2009

       +...need matching sunglasses, too.
xandram, Dec 09 2009


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