h a l f b a k e r y
Tastes richer, less filling.
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Strolling throughout the city streets, I am
often approached by strange people wanting
me to join them in whatever group, charity
or religion they also seem to be members of.
Whilst morally sound in their quest to entice
me toward them - to either sell me a free
book, or look at the numbers
on my credit
card, it can easily become awkward and
unsettling when I know deep in my heart I
simply can't become a member of every
group that I'm approached by.
The problem in avoiding these people - is
that they always begin with a chirpy greeting
- usually followed by some inane observation
about what you're doing as you walk along
"hello there sir, your shirt is very red isn't it?
Would you like to
help save endangered worms?"
Or: "hi there, your packages look very heavy
and you also look busy, can I interest you in
I spend many sleepless nights worrying about
how best to respond to these poor wretched
people, who I know are trying to earn a living
by commission, or have a vested interest in
the topic at hand.
Sometimes I will pretend that I'm already a
member of their group, which works quite
well, but requires some stopping and
engagement with said spruikers - to which
they almost always try and catch you out
with some kind of secret question that only a
real member would know etc.
My new invention is a fascinating type of
voice operated fez. As you see the group you
wish to avoid from a distance, simply duck
behind a nearby tree/bush/bin and you can
quickly prepare. By tapping the brim of your
headware twice, voice recognition software
is activated, and you must then say in a
stern, yet audible voice, the name of the
group or charity you are approaching.
A disguised microphone will pick up your
statement, and the in built fez computer will
search it's data bank for the logo of the said
group or cause. Once verified by the user,
an LED display will light up across the front,
showing the requested logo.
As they come near to you, you may simply
point to your headwear and continue
walking. If they question you further, you
may pretend that you are actually the grand
'poobah' of their cause, and that you are late
for a very important meeting/funeral/mission
Drivers can be downloaded for both PC and
Mac platforms, and the frilly string on the
top has a USB attached.
[hippo, Dec 07 2009]
||USB Fez. Lovely, with or without the rest of it.
||But what if you're accosted by fundraisers for the Church of
||A wide-eyed and almost impossibly wide grin usually startles them for long enough for you to continue on your way, unaccosted, without even breaking your stride - but a Mystery Fez would definitely help things along.
||I've practiced "I'm sorry, but no." so much that I no longer feel guilty about it. The fez is even better.
||Not sure about the name of the idea, but the fez is familiar...
||Just deepen your voice, show the whites of your eyes and ask, "Are you the gatekeeper?"
||Staying perfectly stinking drunk is about as effective, and much more fun. They instinctively steer clear.
It only failed me once. Entirely my fault. Literally weeping alcohol from my pores I entered the offices of Scientology from a little street directly off of Times Square with the seemed-good-at-the-time intention of telling them a thing or two. I recollect just enough to realize that it was one moment in my life of being sincerely, undeniably, foolish in the face of one of the most sincerely, undeniably, foolish institutions known to man. Not a pretty memory at all. At least I wasn't physicaly ejected. Or kidnapped. Or worse.
||I like it and when not actually in use you could sell advertising space on it, with a moving display.
||You could go over to this routine heard about it, not tried it yet...smile, look at them, then look around conspiratorially, then get close and say in a quiet voice "we are all naked, beneath our clothes" whilst nodding in a slightly manic fashion, then walk away..
||Brim, yeah, it doesn't have a brim as you might might perceive other hats to have, but in some dodgy online dictionary it says "3. A border or an edge." e.g. " the cup was full to the brim" so it does have a brim, and so does everything else.
||- or "My brother Esau is an hairy man; But *I* am a smooth man"
||Earliest recorded case of waxing?
||Even I have managed to sneak something so lacking in factual basis into wikipedia it makes most government statements look reliable. I won;t bore you with what..(later edit - Oops, double-checked and it turns out to have been a wikia, so maybe not up to wiki standards. Apologies to wiki people everywhere, goes off-stage and commits ritual suicide.)
||or upgrade to an LCD fez, and then run a subliminal video loop with "bog off" or "You have broccoli in your teeth" or whatever until they go away.
||But it says //The fez was initially a brimless bonnet// - no mention of continuing brimlessness. It could have been a mere micro-second, then bang! brims all over the place. "Nature abhors brimlessness"
||So, cosmologists were wrong all these years, in fact we should talking about the Big Brim theory.
||Time for my medication...
||I like this immensely, and I am trying to still my qualms
about its feasibility.
||Until such be-gunnocked headware becomes commercially
available, can I recommend making a pre-emptive strike by
asking the offending person to join a sect or coven of your
||+...need matching sunglasses, too.