Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Monocle Suspension

Monocle Suspension - The Eyes Have It
  (+11, -2)(+11, -2)
(+11, -2)
  [vote for,

The principle problem with wearing a monocle is that when somebody tells you something surprising, you inevitably utter an exclamation like "Egad!", or "By Jove!" and simultaneously undergo a change of facial expression guaranteed to cause your precious monocle to slip from your eye socket and fall into your cocktail.

This is all very well if you are a wealthy, cravat-wearing English landowner who has just been informed that Fogg has indeed made it around the world in 80 days but not so great if you want to wear your monocle and retain an unruffled exterior, regardless of the revelations life may throw your way.

The solution is Monocle Suspension. Around the circumference of the monocle is a secondary, outer monocle rim mounted to the inner rim on small springs of precisely calibrated...springiness.

When the monocle is worn under normal conditions, the outer rim and the springs are compressed down and held against the inner rim by the grip of the eye socket. When a surprise occurs and the muscles surrounding the eye socket relax into "surprised configuration", the springs expand and the outer rim moves outwards to fill the suddenly larger gap, thus preventing the monocle from falling from the eye. When composure is regained, the springs compress down again and everything returns to normal.

An exercise variant with super stiff springs is also available. Since the springs are so tough to compress, the muscles around the eye must work extra hard to keep the monocle in its un-expanded form. Great for anyone working on their "Clint Squint".
DocBrown, Oct 13 2006

I've got your exercise variant right here. Bookworm_27s_20Workout_20Equipment
[normzone, Oct 13 2006]

Quarters http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarters
Good ol' wiki [Shz, Oct 13 2006]


       Sure, that will give it a better grip. And if by chance it does get knocked out, it won't land in your drink, either. It will land in someone else's, across the room.   

       Come to think of it, this is remarkably well suited for playing 'quarters'.
Shz, Oct 13 2006

       Egad! (Monocle expands). I'm not familiar with this "quarters" pastime you mention? A colonial practice, is it?
DocBrown, Oct 13 2006

       Certainly a higher education practice, anyhow. <link>
Shz, Oct 13 2006

david_scothern, Oct 13 2006

       Nice. I've never played that one before, cheers [Shz].
DocBrown, Oct 13 2006

       I've read of some that had a little clip that hung onto the eyebrow. A rim spring would hurt less.
baconbrain, Oct 14 2006

       By Jingo, Doctor. I say, this is a splendid idea.
methinksnot, Oct 15 2006

       With enough hoops and piercings, it's possible [Brau] but such garish youthful appurtenances are entirely incongruous with the image of genteel refinement that the noble monocle projects (sp. "penchant").
DocBrown, Oct 16 2006

       That's the spirit, what what!
DocBrown, Oct 16 2006

       Spiffing idea - damn good show. [+]
zen_tom, Oct 16 2006

       No, you'd still have the same problem using superglue, except your eyelid would end up in the cocktail as well.
Cuit_au_Four, Oct 16 2006

       Not sure that would solve the problem [UB]. If the second monocle was of identical diameter, it too would fall into the drink when the wearer receiving a surprise of sufficient magnitude (the news that Mrs Whittingly-Fipps was, in fact, the jewel thief, for example). If it was of larger diameter, it would be uncomfortable to wear in a non-surprised configuration and would render the other monocle redundant.
DocBrown, Oct 16 2006

       My dear chap, allow me the indulgence to point out the hitherto unmentioned conflagration in your contraption. Why, not only the other day, Tiddle-Wiggin-Bottom made some sort of social gaff, as usual, and I lifted an eyebrow in distaste. Whereupon, Reeves, upon observation of my owl like features, and lack of monocle descent, flicked an eyebrow in the heavenly direction. Not to be outdone by a mere scallywag, I vented the full fury of a fully raised eyebrow in retaliation. Well, I had the blighter on the run, now, or so I thought. But he had the audacity to flick the other eyebrow at me. Well, no one does that to me and gets away with it. So "I say!", I said and gave him a vicious assault with both eyebrows...
And so it went on, my dear chap. Unfortunately, the ruddy thing's stuck, and the other half is none too pleased, what?
Ling, Oct 16 2006

       How dreadfully rum [Ling]! I can only assume that some chiselling cad has offloaded an inferior aftermarket copy of the original design. Did yours come with the mahogany case (some of the imitators supply one of these as well, but the hippo engravings are nowhere near the quality of the original)? Inside should have been supplied a small vial of light oil for use on the springs, for prevention of just such incidents as the one you describe.
DocBrown, Oct 16 2006

       Light oil, you say? Scandalous! Damned Mountebank insisted Macassar would do the trick.
Ling, Oct 16 2006


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