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Neanderthal Ears

(+1, -1)
  [vote for,

I have small, flat ears. Aesthetically nice, but functionally shit. In noisy environments, in bars, I’m perplexed. What did she say? Dammit, my ears are omni-directional.

I’m over evolved. If only I’d bought Neanderthal Ears.

They’re not really ears, you see, but battery powered levers that move your natural ears from behind, controlled by a small pocket remote. You can swivel both ears out, or one at a time, as though waving them. The levers are built into a cap, eyeglasses, or toupee.

So I buy them.

Now things are different. Now, with my Neanderthals, she speaks, and my right ear swivels towards her. She sees the motion out of the corner of her eye. What was that, she thinks, looking at me directly, hoping to see it again. But I deny her...until she looks away.

I am now Neanderthal Man. Oh yes, baby.

(Resisting the temptation to touch my brow, which seems to swell in excitement.)

ldischler, Apr 23 2004


       presumably they are as hairy as a badger?
jonthegeologist, Apr 23 2004

       ha. [+]
yabba do yabba dabba, Apr 23 2004

       It's only a matter of time before Australopithic-ears puts'em out of business.   

       I sure hope that swelling goes down. [+]
Letsbuildafort, Apr 23 2004

       Now get a friend for life by convincing her that you can breathe through them , too.
Ling, Apr 23 2004

       I've always assumed that Neanderthals had pointy ears, and that is why we now think of elves fairies as having pointy ears. (Unless, of course, the legends of fairies are based on monkeys, which look like tiny people, fly through the trees and have pointy ears.)
DrCurry, Apr 23 2004

       But you can train yourself to move your ears with the muscles that are already built into your head. I did - it just takes a little patience. Your start by tensing the back of you scalp, then gradually work on doing it asymmetrically. Soon you can isolate the muscles that move your ears vertically or horizontally. Now I admit that my ears are not as glissile as my dog's, but they are independently movable by perhaps half an inch in any direction (OK, only in the plane parallel to my skull). It's certainly enough to get people's attention when they are talking to you.   

       Go on - try it.
ATP, Apr 23 2004

       /Oh yes, baby./!!
bungston, Apr 23 2004

       Yep, put me down for three..hope they fit! +
cromagnon, Apr 23 2004

       I think I'll skip the ears and take a Neanderthal...   

       oh, nevermind.
zigness, Jul 17 2004

       Did Neanderthal have any other body parts that may be useful - particularly in that scenario described?
tasman, Jul 17 2004


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