Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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OH! Sheet Bar!

Handles for your sheets.
  [vote for,

Whenever my wife and I have sex she always ends up scooted up against the head board. Her head ends up crinked to one side and we have to stop so we can scoot back down. We go through this over and over again for the 45 seconds it takes me to finish. Then she goes in the bathroom and bandages her wounds. I propose two sets of handles be installed in my sheets. One set around her hips for missionary position and one set around her shoulders for bottoms up! I love my wife and am tired of the indignity she suffers waiting for me to finish.
shazam, Jun 02 2003

And the title has seen prior action.... Love_20Handles
[normzone, Sep 08 2016]


       What about the indignity she suffers from you writing about your sex life on the internet?   

       Back to the problem at hand. Fitted sheets?
snarfyguy, Jun 02 2003

       There is something called "Rotating Missionary" position, which varies the direction of the momentum and prevents wandering in a straight line. You may wish to look into it. It is often used by astronauts in a weightless environment.
phundug, Jun 02 2003

       do astronauts...? missionary...? hmmm.. live and let live.. hmmm...
po, Jun 02 2003

       Padded headboard?
phoenix, Jun 02 2003

       the two of you will now sleep horribly because of the handles digging into your hips and other body parts!
envy, Jun 02 2003

       oh big metal handles are they? funny I just envisaged cotton ones!
po, Jun 02 2003

       Conveyor belt sheets?
Shz, Jun 02 2003

       //oh big metal handles are they? funny I just envisaged cotton ones!//   

       Me too. This idea doesn't make sense, anyway. Unless the handles are attached to something other than the loose sheet, they won't do anything.
snarfyguy, Jun 02 2003

       Well Son, whatcha gotta do is start on the couch, then do some tanglin'round and whip'er 'round til yer arms get some strength back, move back & sideways until yer both off the couch lookin' at the mess ya mighta made then have 'er do a head stand til she can walk on 'er hands while you wheelbarrow 'er down the hall, then she can get on top fer a while then ya'll up an' flop down on the can (make sure the lids down in case her leg slips before ya get set) then hoist 'er on up against the wall until she gets tired of lookin' in the mirror then go in the boooodwoor 'n go roun' the whirled startin' at the side of the bed flip n twist (bein' careful to chuck all the pillows back towards the head of the bed *then* start at the foot of the bed and turn up the heat until yer plumb wore out.
thumbwax, Jun 02 2003

       every hour on the hour <g>
po, Jun 03 2003

       My wife loves the missionary position.
Her on the bottom, and me in Africa.

       Shtup outside. You'll return to the house smelling grassy fresh!   

       watch out for roses.
shavenwarthog, Jun 03 2003

       What's wrong people? Is BED the only place for having sex? I thought I had a creative crowd here!   

       You need no handles. What YOU need is open your mind to the endless possibilities and locations surrounding you.
Pericles, Jun 03 2003

       Why not start without her, and let her join in at the last moment? (By the looks of it though, timing would be really critical here for you.) There's a friend of mine who says that he sometimes lies on his hand until it goes to sleep. If he then uses that hand (if you get my meaning). He swears blind that it feels like someone else is doing it to him.
paddler, Jun 03 2003

       Friend of yours, eh?
lintkeeper2, Jun 03 2003

       Pericles seconded - even if you don't want to try some new positions, point her head in a different direction, get a bigger bed or do it on the floor. Anyway, if "45 seconds" is how long you have sex for, this is unlikely to be a problem for you much longer.
DrCurry, Jun 04 2003

       // Is BED the only place for having sex? //   

       Agreed. What you need is a bowling alley! Start at the line, and when you hear the pins crashing, your "45 seconds" is up.
phundug, Jun 04 2003

       I don't want the handles to be made of steel. They could be cloth or leather. The problem with securing the sheets could be cured with the velcro sheets idea I have added a link to. As for the indignity that my wife suffers from me writing about our sex life on the internet (snarfguy), she should have said something way back when I installed our bedroom web cam. :P   

       Also, we only have sex in our bed because that's the only place our kids havn't hidden their jax and leggos.
shazam, Jun 04 2003

       If you're a 45-second man, you'll have a hard time convincing me that you care if pointy little toys are digging into her back.
lintkeeper2, Jun 04 2003

       Oh for goodness sake. Lie on your back and let her tie you down. A rope tied to the ankles and looped around the bedlegs should do it. Problem solved for both.
egbert, Jun 07 2003

       ACTUAL LOVE HANDLES! If you're flinging her so violently against furnishings, perhaps what you need to do is a lot or yard work or something beforehand, so you'll be less (ahem) vigorous.
elhigh, Jun 13 2005


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