Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Oral Neural Adapters

Tooth aches aren't functional enough.
(+5, -5)
  [vote for,

My toothache became unbearable, and a quick glance in the bathroom mirror revealed a decayed molar. As I didn't have a regular dentist I opened the telephone directory to the medical section to find someone to do the work, preferably someone cheap.

I read the listings: chiropractors, colorectal surgeons, dietitians, nope too far, ah ha dentists. I called down the list, but all of their fees were too high. Just as I was about to give up hope, one of my tears landed on an ad which magnified some very fine print that was otherwise invisible to the naked eye. On closer inspection it read "free treatment provided to those with serious dental problems". The ad was for a Dr. Ralph Baker, it was the miracle I needed.

The ad didn't have a contact number, so I immediately set out to the listed address. When I arrived I was surprised to be standing at the entrance to a Gothic mansion. "I'll endure a little Gothic mansion for free dental work", I thought to myself, and proceeded to knock on the door. The doctor opened the door in full scrubs, introduced himself, and invited me in.

I explained my situation as he instructed me to recline back into the dentist's chair and measured the circumference of my skull with a pair of callipers. He then repeated back what I told him: "a back molar has decayed and it must be extracted", but he added, "I'm now going to gas you". First there was laughter, then darkness.

My first thought when I came to was 'how strange that I had not been the one that was laughing'. My second was that my mouth was full of wires. "You're probably wondering why your mouth is full of wires", predicted Dr. Baker. I nodded. "I extracted your tooth as we discussed" he explained, "but I also removed the rest of them and severed and reconnected some of the nerves in your head."

When I came to he explained, "now each of the slots where your teeth once were are input plugs for different sensory apparatus. Now you can potentially have dozens of eyes, extraordinary sensory abilities, and receive direct stimulation to your reward centre on demand!".

"How will I chew", I asked, somewhat overwhelmed by the news. "Perhaps you can get a dentist to fix you a pair of dentures" he replied. "Aren't you a dentist", I asked incredulously, "what about the ad?" "Oh, gosh no, that was a typo".

rcarty, Jan 28 2010

Brain Port: Tongue Sight http://www.google.c...W5-VV7bxQGlYdIXE7hg
Oral Neural Adapters are close. This is incredible! [rcarty, Mar 17 2010]

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       Turn your head into a scallop.
nineteenthly, Jan 28 2010

       //"You're probably wondering why your mouth is full of wires"   

       Yeah, why no bluetooth?   

       [Edit] This idea is actually not possible, in that once the nerves innervate the brain, your guess is as good as any neuroanatomist, where the jelly of neuron projections actually go. Though the brain does have have definitive tracts to different regions responsible for sensory processing (like the visual cortex), they are a little too amorphous to manually reconnect, not to mention the light headache after the attempt.
leinypoo13, Jan 28 2010

       I wouldn't say impossible, but perhaps maybe improbable or implausible without further knowledge.
rcarty, Jan 28 2010

       If you can rewire your brain to change where peripheral nerves go, then there's no reason to use the teeth - you could just as well plug things into your hands or any other densely innervated area of your choice (ahem). Teeth don't have *more* nerves than other things, they just happen to have some pain nerves that are particularly annoying.   

       So [-] for putting people through unnecessary discomfort that's too much like what I just had done last week.
hob, Jan 28 2010

       Logic of objections questionable.
//If you can rewire your brain to change where peripheral nerves go, then there's no reason to use the teeth - you could just as well plug things into your hands or any other densely innervated area of your choice (ahem).//
There are many reasons to use the teeth. Those nerves do nothing but sense temperature and pain. Therefore they are useless. Nerves in the hand are used to feel things and move the hand. Nerves of the hand do not have a convenient socket adapter either.

       //Teeth don't have *more* nerves than other things, they just happen to have some pain nerves that are particularly annoying.//   

       More nerves wasn't implied (in fact it's the oppisite, a tooth has a single nerve that is readily available). It was the other benefits such as having a socket and a plug (reuse the tooth) for making connections readily available, the nerve presents a regular problem requiring surgery, there are many subjects to practice on, etc.
rcarty, Jan 28 2010

       But you need a fair amount of bandwidth to support extra eyes, etc. Pain and temperature sensors have very simple signals. If you want to add all kinds of super-senses but still reuse the existing peripheral nervous system, then some equivalent amount of detailed sensation is going to have to be lost somewhere else.   

       The fishbone I'm providing here is meant to be helpful, since it might at least provide some needed infrastructure for this apparatus, whereas you can't do anything with a bun if your mouth is full of wires.
hob, Jan 28 2010

       That must have been the spell checker's day off - dentist for neuroanatomist?
normzone, Feb 02 2010

       I've become so lazy reading in english that I tried to skip straight to the portion of the text where the idea was actually explained. Couldn't find it. Virtual bun for your creativity, though.
Pericles, Feb 04 2010

       bun for making me laugh at this nonsense
ixnaum, Mar 20 2010


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