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Panda Corporation

  (+7, -3)
(+7, -3)
  [vote for,

Animals are routinely mismanaged. To avoid this, I suggest mapping the corporate form onto the animal kingdom, thus ensuring that animals are run for the maximum benefit of their shareholders.
calum, Nov 04 2004

An otter, shortly before receiving his CBE for services to the finance industry http://www.iondesig...oodle/pics/tall.jpg
[calum, Nov 05 2004]

//sloping foreheads, poor diction and ..// http://www.bushorchimp.com/
The sloping forehead part is flawed, but poor diction, well. [Zimmy, Nov 23 2005]

Talking Heads - "Animals" http://www.talking-...et/lyrics_fear.html
Scroll down a bit, eh? [calum, Sep 18 2006]


       so what, we all get shares in animals? "Hey, meet Jim is a 30% stakeholder in a termite mound."
etherman, Nov 04 2004

       Yes. Individuals, natural or legal, would be able to invest in commercially run animals. Each animal will be incorporated under the law of its domicile, with (as in the UK, for example) a Memorandum and Articles of Association, a board and such like.   

       Hive animals such as termites may be better advised to adopt the non-corporate partnership form.
calum, Nov 04 2004

       So do these animals remain in the wild or are we talking about zoo animals. If the animals remain in the wild what decisions are a board going to make and how would they be effected by company legislation?
etherman, Nov 04 2004

       It will be for the board to decide where the animals are stored. Of course, the decision to maintain the animal or animals in a non-captive state poses certain difficulties for the effectiveness of management decisions however, certain activities will preclude captivity and this complexity will have to be covered by a company's constitution.
calum, Nov 04 2004

       Just athought, but animals tend to eat each other. So if one constituted animal eats another is this breaking business law or does it come under mergers and take - overs?
etherman, Nov 04 2004

       I would suggest that the board of each legally constituted animal should invest in extensive insurance arrangements.
DrBob, Nov 04 2004

       You're not an insurance salesman, are you, DrBob?
salachair, Nov 04 2004

       Also boards would inevitably use these animals for sponsorship opportunities: "This grizzly bear mauling was brought to you by the caring people at Haliburton."
etherman, Nov 04 2004

       [calum] you are a sly old fox,and seldom a boar, but I'll be dam-d if I can ferret out the meaning of this bird-brained i-dear. and I'm not just parrotting... oh never mind.   

       ps. hi [salachair]
dentworth, Nov 04 2004

       Nope, salachair, not me. But I strongly suspect that calum only published this idea as a way to drum up extra business for the legal profession.
DrBob, Nov 04 2004

       and the beagle profession [oops]
etherman, Nov 04 2004

       calum's *far* too busy shuffling bits of paper for nonogenarian spinsters from the outskirts of Edinburgh to be concerned with profiting from an over-insured badger or an erroneously-logged vole, DrB.   

       <aside> hi, dentworth!
salachair, Nov 04 2004

       Animals set a bad example, [dentworth]. That's about the size of it. Fat sedentary monochrome bears sit locked in a box on a building site in China, rather pointedly spurning the advances of the hot she-bears flown in at great expense for the sole purpose of allowing Mr Panda sexual congress. Bees spend all their time dancing and making sweets. Birds go out and gorge themselves on fish and worms and then go home and are sick into the mouths of their neglected offspring.   

       That these behaviours are bad in a social sense is a given. That these examples are bad in an economic sense is an oft-missed outrage. With the exception of the performers in travelling carnival flea circuses, every act members of the animal kingdom perform fails completely to have a positive impact on the wider economy. At best a cow or sheep can be once asset-stripped and sold for meat. Put them to work, I say. Monkeys can stitch footballs, given the proper financial incentives. Otters have the mental wherewithall to run brokerage houses and they look good in top hats (link). All a parrot needs to be a successful call centre worker is the right training and the motivation that being part of an employee pension can bring.   

       Not only will this doubtless boost the GDP of participating nations, it will help animals set positive examples for our children and David Attenborough won't have to spend all his time up to his oxters in swamp to make his programmes, which, considering he is knocking on a bit, is a plus.
calum, Nov 05 2004

       I have weird visions of rabbits pimping each other out and llamas shooting up on heroin should this idea ever come to pass.
etherman, Nov 05 2004

       Pimping and drug abuse are illegal activities and, in the UK at least, commercial undertakings are prohibited from taking part in such enterprises.
calum, Nov 05 2004

       But surely illegal dealings are an inevitable spin off of legal ones. Always has been in the past.
etherman, Nov 05 2004

       I do not subscribe to the Guardian-reading bleeding heart leftist "capitalism creates social woes" propaganda. If certain beasts wish to engage in anti-social behaviours, it will be obvious that this is brought about by physiological and psychological deficiencies within that species, in exactly the same way as the human criminal underclass can be clearly identified by sloping foreheads, poor diction and irregular bowel movements.
calum, Nov 05 2004

       //in exactly the same way as the human criminal underclass can be clearly identified by sloping foreheads, poor diction and irregular bowel movements//   

       Better lock up the Orang-utangs straight away then.
etherman, Nov 05 2004

       And Polly Toynbee.
angel, Nov 05 2004

       //capitalism creates social woes//   

       I've often thought that aggregately profit = 0. There are always resources being taken or used even if the current value of those resources is considered negligable. The obvious contridiction to this thought is solar energy, though.   

       It is also obvious that no other well known widespread economic system has out-optimized capitalism in management of resources. (My suspicion is that the institution of government itself & the draw to power & self-concessions justified by those victorious in gaining power play a major role in the non-optimizing factors - Lenin, Stalin, Mao, Castro, etc. are dark traitors to those who once believed in the possiblility of equal opportunity for all).   

       It's just some people dream that some of the mismanagements occuring could be more efficiently directed (us leftist, I guess.)   

       + on the idea - tax deductible stock?
Zimmy, Nov 23 2005

       Humans are routinely mismanaged. To avoid this I suggest mapping the corporate form unto the human kingdom, thus ensuring that humans are run for the maximum benefit for the animals.   

       Calum - I read the Guardian - will now lurk in the long grass, my bleading heart in hand.
xenzag, Nov 23 2005

       So would we be forming individual animals into companies, or the whole of each species?   

       If Panda Corp. would be Incorparated, all of the individual animals would become assets of the company.   

       "Panda Corp. shares are down 5 points today following the failure of Ching-ching and Ding-ling to produce offspring at London Zoo, Panda Corps assets have fallen to 2300 individuals in the wild, and 21 in zoos, Panda Corp is expected to issue a profits warning next week after the WWF summit in Geneva"   

       Maybe the bees, and other social insects would form co-operatives, and give out shares to each drone?
Minimal, Nov 23 2005

       I heard Talking Heads' "Animals" for the first time today. Blimey.
calum, Sep 18 2006


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