Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Piratical Placeholders

Don't use "Er..." where "Yaarrr!" will do
  (+20, -2)(+20, -2)
(+20, -2)
  [vote for,

I had the misfortune to watch a video of myself speaking the other day, and it brought home to me two things:
1)How odd and lumpen my head is.
2)The depressing frequency with which I pause during speech and make an inane noise like "um", "er" or "ah".

Now, I can't change my odd and lumpen head (I actually quite like it, catalogue of mishaps that it is) but I'll be damned if I go to my grave still talking with all the fluency and panache of a zombie.

The therapeutic agent in my quest for self-betterment will be a simple device. I plan to condition myself to replace every "er", "um" and "ah" with a rollicking great "Yaaar!" that growls and scrapes across the back of the throat like a wolverine being dragged from a meal.

Thus, the more slow-witted and disjointed my speech is, the more piratical and fearsome I shall sound.

Soon all around me will come to respect me and pay me tribute.

If I get bored of "Yaarr!", I will alternate from the following pool:
"Shiver me timbers!"
"Stone the crows!"
"By my beard!"
"Morgan's Ghost!"
"Damn your eyes!"
"Cleave me to the brisket!"

In time, I will eliminate all signs of uncertainty from my blabberings, and the pace and fluency of my speech will feedback to my brain, so that I make all decisions with the speed of oiled light.


DocBrown, Aug 12 2004

A device to help you in your transition to pirate speech Verbal_20Tic_20Alarm
[robinism, Feb 02 2005]

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       Arrrgh, Doclad! You be onto a good thing there, harrr! "Cleave me to the brisket?", why that'd be the last words of ol' Jim O'Clean, before we spliced his main brace, and give 'im forty licks o' the cat! Yarrr!
zen_tom, Aug 12 2004

       While a silent pause might be a bit more advisable as a replacement to "uh", "er", etc. it wouldn't be nearly as much fun.
half, Aug 12 2004

       Advisable be damned! Advice and advisors are for addled fools who need their minds made up for them! Yaaar! I think it's working. :)
DocBrown, Aug 12 2004

       By my beard! This is piracy not primacy [bwv61]. It's not about who did it first, it's how culturally pervasive you subsequently become, damn your eyes!   

       That said, if you could translate the pretty letters, this old sea dog would be honoured to use them.
DocBrown, Aug 12 2004

       Baked by my flatmate, admitedly generaly only after a few beers.
scubadooper, Aug 12 2004

       "It goes to take in cu" - Babel fish   

       Doesn't sound very piratical... it must be the fish's fault.   

       Anyways I do this all the time, though not while making presentations. Actually, like in [scuba]'s case, usually beers are involved.
eulachon, Aug 12 2004

       Well, I speak spanish, and I understood some of bwv's, um, Pirate chants?   

       Otherwise this idea is amazing, I'm gonna start today ++
swimr, Aug 12 2004

       I just wonder what crows are doing with pot.
shapu, Aug 12 2004

       calling it black, no doubt
luecke, Aug 12 2004

       This—the government!—beats the placeholders I’ve been using.
ldischler, Aug 12 2004

       Where was this idea on Tuesday before I had to give my presentation?!? It would've been much more entertaining and wouldn't have been littered with "um, ahhh, *cough cough*, uhhh..." I can just imagine how it would be..."We'll add a wall here and use-yarrrr!-red Panelite panels..."
Machiavelli, Aug 12 2004

       Avast!! By me beard! What scurvy bilge rat boned this notion! He'll walk be wearin' a hempen halter smartly, he will, an' won' be seen ag'in 'til we meet in Davey Jones locker! Arrrgh!
Ichthus, Aug 12 2004

       Ok I'll bun it but if I start seeing a lot of pirate ideas I'm going to arrrrgh...freak out. hear that Desert Fox? No pirate ideas!
dentworth, Aug 12 2004

       I have heard that many people use "placeholders" in conversation as a means to prevent stuttering. Winston Churchill suffered from stuttering and used an "ommm" between words in his speeches to prevent stammers. I think an "arggggh" would work just as well. [+]
Klaatu, Aug 13 2004

       Baked.. Years ago we used to do this at a place I worked. Our source material was 'The four Yorkshiremen' by Monty Python. Eee by gum, shoe box in middle o road, lick road clean with tounge... and the best of all.. luxury. Maybe it could be the four Yorkshire Pirates?
ljanz, Feb 01 2005

       "... before we spliced his main brace, and give 'im forty licks o' the cat! Yarrr!"   

       As a bona fide Englishman may I respectfully point out that "splicing the mainbrace" is the delightful practice of serving up the rum ration, and would in no way make the victim stare in horror like he's clapped his deadlights on the ghost of Blind Pew. Arrrrgghhh the mangey dog!!
Jacob Marley, Oct 14 2005

       + I really love this, although I thought it was going to be a service where pirates hold your place in line while you are off doing something else.
xandram, Jul 19 2006

       "If ye cuts in line, I'll be seein fit to cleave your brisket clean out'en your moldy hide, arrrr...."
shapu, Jul 19 2006

       Brilliant. +
dbmag9, Aug 18 2006

       Yaarrr, the government, yaarr.
ldischler, Aug 18 2006


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