Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
h a l f b a k e r y
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For the wimp who wants to get that annoying person out of their life.
  (+26, -4)(+26, -4)(+26, -4)
(+26, -4)
  [vote for,

Do you sometimes think you're too nice? That there are people in your life, who take up your thought and time and energy, who shouldn't? You just want to get rid of them. Killing is out of the question - a messy business and kinda upsetting. Telling them face to face to f**k off - don't be silly! They're bigger and uglier than you, and besides, you're generally a nice person. This is when rent-a-bitch comes in. You pay this person to say horrible things to your unintended (like 'do you always borrow your mother's shoes?' - particularly offensive if you're male) or poke them with sharp sticks, until the problem gets the hint and goes away. Not only does this get rid of your problem, but gives employment to all those out of work bitches.
Miss Weston Smith, Aug 29 2001

Toro, Toro, Toro http://www.cs.cmu.e...arch/toro/toro.html
Automated Lawnmower Project [thumbwax, Aug 29 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]

(?) Baked. http://www.blamethemessenger.com/
From [jenspresso]. [jutta, Aug 29 2001]


       If you're generally a nice person, telling them face to face to fuck off is probably the most effective strategy.   

       That said, it'd be amusing to hire someone to piss people off, for those days when I just can't be arsed myself.
-alx, Aug 29 2001

       They'd have to hang around with you for a couple of weeks pretending to be your friend, so that your "unintended" comes to associate them with you and will avoid you in case the bitch appears. If they call you up later and ask if you're still hanging around with them, you just say "Yes, she should be out tonight," or "Yes. In fact, she's moving in to my house." Avoidance guaranteed.
Jim, Aug 29 2001

       I’m not too sure wether this is a local phenomenon. There are a number of young, sassy girls who drive around in small cars with various slogans stuck to the rear windscreen of their car like “bad bitch”, “bitch on wheels”, and “beware the bitch”. This behaviour is irksome, and it is my personal crusade to stamp it out.   

       I might even consider thinking about this idea further so long as it doesn’t conjure up images of vacuous teenagers in small cars, their eyes affixed to their reflection in the rear-view mirror as they blindly change lanes, hitting other traffic like in a giant game of pinball.
sdm, Aug 29 2001

       Send me a check and I'll take care of your problem....it's an art form so I'll need some personal information about the victim and a couple of their fears/weaknesses upon which to prey.....
Susen, Aug 29 2001

       I'm available for birthdays and bar mitzvahs.
jutta, Aug 29 2001, last modified Sep 01 2001

       Oh joy. Does the thought of 'accidently' dropping a lawn mower on my ex-wifes head leave you squeamish?
thumbwax, Aug 30 2001

       wax, lawn mowers are a bit tricky....instead, find out when her "annual exam" is and I'll call the next day from the "doctor's office" with some *alarming news*....<evil grin>
Susen, Aug 30 2001

       Quite right it should be rent-a-bitch. I'll change it.
Miss Weston Smith, Aug 30 2001

       I have found that being a bitch, like most things people truly enjoy doing, is something people will engage in quite willingly, for long periods of time, with no ambitions of financial compensation whatsoever. With so many willing to do it for free, any dollar amount will probably exceed fair market value.   

       However, still a croissant.
quarterbaker, Aug 30 2001

       No, I want money.
Susen, Aug 30 2001

-alx, Aug 30 2001

       Ooh the nasty people are out.
sdm, Aug 30 2001

       Bite me.
Susen, Aug 30 2001

       Now you're talking my language. *Grr*
-alx, Aug 30 2001

       in my experience the "victim" will come running to you for TLC - pointless exercise
po, Aug 30 2001

       I can give you half a bag of Keebler Chocolate Chip Cookies - how about using a riding mower instead?
thumbwax, Aug 30 2001

       I'm allergic to chocolate....may be bribed with cheesecake though....
Susen, Aug 31 2001

       Oh baby - have I got the cheesecake for you - a former neighbo(u)r of mine baked one for a birthday about 4 years ago - absolutely devastating - most perfect cheesecake you can imagine.
thumbwax, Aug 31 2001

       Not as good as my cheesecake.
hippo, Aug 31 2001

       Smell my cheese! (Alan Partridge)
lewisgirl, Aug 31 2001

       A cheesecake baked four years ago won't be very good.
angel, Aug 31 2001

       I think the point has been missed slightly. Payment in cheesecake, or any other kind of bartering system, is all very well, but killing is not a bitchy thing to do and the hiring should be of the assassin variety. How about a site called waystokillyourex.com? Cheesecake would be a good way to start. Looking someone in the eye when bitching is the greatest of skills and most effective. If only lawnmowers had eyes...
Miss Weston Smith, Aug 31 2001

       Dang angel, I was saving that slice just for this very purpose.
Speaking of slice... see link
thumbwax, Sep 01 2001

       Sounds like prostitution to me. I mean, those people right there are so damn bitchy! So you don't have a twenty, and they won't give you change for a fifty? God damn!
DaLimey69, Sep 01 2001

       I'd be a rent-a-bitch if the price was right. At the moment though, I'm doing a freebe for a friend with an irksome roommate. I've done bitch work before and its exttremely fun, especially when you permanently scar the person...
moonsprite, Oct 01 2001

       What kind of scarring are we talking about? Mental, physical?
Miss Weston Smith, Oct 02 2001

       <hick>Watches, larns thangs</hick>
thumbwax, Oct 02 2001

       I'm gonna fishbone this idea. Not because it's a bad idea to get your own back but because it's generally much better, and personally more satisfying, to do this sort of thing yourself.
I knew someone who was constantly being harassed by her boss. He was always piling the work up on her and nothing was ever done well enough to satisfy him. She was normally quite an accomodating person but eventually she decided that she'd had enough and waited for him in the car park, after work, one evening. She was only intending to confront him & give him a bit of verbal but when he came out, she just marched across the car park and gave him a wack. She followed up with a couple of kicks then got back into her car and drove home. Next morning, when her boss limped in, he was nice as pie and everyday thereafter. And she was never quite the same person again!
DrBob, Oct 02 2001

       Hurrah for someone who DrBob knew.
thumbwax, Oct 02 2001

       Already done -- a bitch for hire:   

jenspresso, Oct 04 2001

       [Insert obligatory comment about how the [link] button right below the existing links lets you create new links that are further up and easier to follow.]
jutta, Oct 04 2001

       as my father once put it; "if i hadn't married a bitch i'd have to hire one every now and then to get shit done"
photojunkie, Nov 14 2004

       I've always found that a horse's head will send a much clearer message.
hidden truths, Jun 19 2005

       [hidden_truths] Now, you're never right -- but this time you're wrong. Even a bitch for hire would know that there is no need to kill a perfectly good horse for its ass ... when you sit right over there. I'm afraid you just admitted you'd die for what you believe. Tsk Tsk
reensure, Jun 19 2005

       Kill a horse? What gave you that idea [reensure]? And to take satire seriously, surely dying for what you believe in is the best way to go?
hidden truths, Jun 19 2005

       Put your contacts back in and re-read your anno, don corleone. Anyway, dying for your beliefs is _a_ way out, but not the best. Not to change the subject, but my ideas are from watching other peoples' behavior, learning by doing. That way I trust people, otherwise there'd be a lot of doubt in my mind. Like this central idea -- no way I'd get seriously fired up listening to someone whining and crying like a bitch, you see? That's why I'd find little excuse to use this service, but the thought of thousands of others lost in their personal abyss who might use the service is priceless.
reensure, Jun 19 2005


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