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Seating plan for Hell

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I was told yesterday that there is a special place in Hell set aside just for me. (Actually, this is the second time I've been told this. ) I suspect that a lot of people whom I would very much like to meet have been told the same thing.

If there are places set aside, somebody somewhere must have a seating plan. I presume that it's held by the Pope or someone else in authority, who can co- ordinate the whole thing.

I'd therefore like to see the seating plan published on-line. I want to know whether I'll be sitting next to, say, Richard Dawkins or Galileo, so that I can bone up on relevant topics (and, perhaps, languages) to enjoy a good conversation. It should even be possible (with the blessing of the appropriate religious leaders) to set up a sort of seat-swap scheme, so that everyone was happy with his neighbours.

MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 01 2007

(?) Seating in hell http://www.torture-...um.com/tortur01.JPG
[ldischler, Oct 02 2007]

(?) sit whilst you wait in Purgatory http://www.philben....images/blog/h03.JPG
[xandram, Oct 02 2007]

The chair that gets you there. http://lvillage.edu...ricchair%5B1%5D.jpg
[nuclear hobo, Oct 02 2007]

Welcome to Hell http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=XFGrQMD6Uqc
Rowan Atkinson sketch about the introduction to hell. [Jinbish, Oct 02 2007]

Stupid Joke About Hell http://www.basicjok...m/djoke.php?id=5410
Is hell endothermic or exothermic? [quantum_flux, Oct 02 2007]

(?) email Hell http://www.hell.com/
in answer to zen_tom [nuclear hobo, Oct 03 2007]

(?) Heaven.com http://www.heaven.com/
click here to become an ordained minister [nuclear hobo, Oct 03 2007]


       Just because there is a place for you it doesn't necessarily mean you'll get to sit.   

       True. On the other hand, I've been told this twice, by people who probably weren't in communication with eachother. So maybe I've been double-booked and have *two* seats. An online system would let me trade, or perhaps get a single upgraded seat in exchange for two run- of-the-mill places.
MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 01 2007

       I'm sure that if it's a place that accepts reservations, they wouldn't be petty enough to object to a little conversation.
MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 01 2007

       Well, in the statement as described, there is no indication at all that the "place" is a seat. It could be a snake-infested pit. In which case a "pit arrangement" publication would be useless for the stated goal, as I would guess there will be little conversation between pits.
globaltourniquet, Oct 01 2007

       // I want to ride the Unicorn. // I think the probabilty of you riding on its back would be low.   

       <devil>Oh, sorry, it's terribly loud down here, I thought you said you wanted to be riden by a unicorn. What's that you say? No, that's normal, 'horning' is foreplay for a unicorn</devil>
marklar, Oct 02 2007

       //a little conversation//
L'enfer, c'est la boulangerie. - Halftre.
Fishrat, Oct 02 2007

       [Max] Were you perhaps told this by members of more than one religion? Perhaps you now have places reserved in several different noxious afterlives.   

       Which just means that after your death SOMEONE is going to have to pay a no show fee.
Galbinus_Caeli, Oct 02 2007

       Read Dante (or Niven and Pournelle) for the floor plan of Hell.
nuclear hobo, Oct 02 2007

       Yeah, I was about to say that. Well, the Dante part, at least.
DrCurry, Oct 02 2007

       the nice thing about organizing hell, so i assume, is that little to no organization is required. if you're doing it right, people are in immortal pain and can't be arsed to chit-chat with neighbors, if they indeed have any.   

       not like weddings where you have to carefully arrange all the little foxes that hate each other apart from all the little doves that love each other and never let anybody near anybody else's former lover, etc. and now that i think about it, a wedding reception may be the closest thing to hell we have on earth, if it's done with finesse! <sprouts horns and grins>   

       but no, i'm sorry, a fish-bone for re-inventing a well-established venue just to suit your tastes. for that, you should be punished by being sent directly to heaven where you won't fit in and nobody understands sarcasm. (-)
k_sra, Oct 02 2007

       //a fish-bone for re-inventing a well- established venue just to suit your tastes// Ah well, I'm philosophical about these things. If I wind up in heaven, I may ask for a transfer.
MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 02 2007

       i suspected as much. if there is a method to these things, you'll end up getting exactly what you didn't ask for. : ) tantalus
k_sra, Oct 02 2007

       //people are in mortal pain//   

       That's just life on Earth. In the hereafter it's descibed as immortal pain.
nuclear hobo, Oct 02 2007

       I suscribe to the idea that we create our own hells.
DrCurry, Oct 02 2007

       good point, [radiation_bum]. I changed it.   

       [Dr_C], i always thought it sounded odd when people say they "subscribe to" some idea or other. is it like a magazine? do you have to renew every two years? can you get a better rate for the four-year plan?
k_sra, Oct 02 2007

       Since hell is expanding at a slower rate than souls are entering in, we can assume that hell is heating up.... and if your soul is less massive than 1 hydrogen atom.... we can conclude that hell is probably more like a game of frantically bounce around in brownian motion than it is a game of sit down and enjoy your neighbor! You like bouncing around very much, [MaxwellBuchanan]?
quantum_flux, Oct 02 2007

       At the moment my soul is heavy, and I doubt it will be subject to Brownian motion.
MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 02 2007

       Is our immortal address determined by the summation of our good and bad experiences, or just the one experience directly preceding death? Dosen't that seem silly that I can be a little devil all life long and then, whamo, turn good right before my last breath and wind up in some heavenly landscape? Surely, this last minute heaven will be prepared in haste, and all the complexities, all the captivating terrain will be held down below, that place I'd been cultivating all my life only to reject it at the last minute. And, then! Lo, this is a version of hell, such a simple heaven.   

       "Everyone is trying to get to the bar.
The name of the bar, the bar is called Heaven.
The band in Heaven plays my favorite song.
They play it once again, they play it all night long."
daseva, Oct 02 2007

       If you have a reservation and don't turn up, I wonder if they bill you?
MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 02 2007

       Do heaven/hell have email addresses?
zen_tom, Oct 02 2007

       //If you have a reservation and don't turn up// they come and get you.
nuclear hobo, Oct 03 2007

       //The band in Heaven plays my favorite song.
They play it once again, they play it all night long."//

       I used to really like Greenday's "Time of your life" while I was at Uni. However in Halls the guy next door came home late one night, drunk and depressed, and played that one song on repeat all night long.   

       I don't like it any more.
theleopard, Oct 03 2007

       [deseva], your ignorance of theology is your only problem. Fear not, you will be welcomed, regardless of your one good deed, into Hell.
dentworth, Oct 03 2007

       //I thought you said you wanted to be ridden by a unicorn//   

       Demonic unicorns are in the seating plan? I always assumed that there were no seats, just individual rooms ironically suited to account for every sin you didn't repent for (ex: riding a horse that didn't wan't to be ridden = getting ridden by a hellsteed, especially if you don't want to be ridden in any sense.) I'm definitely getting a luxury suite, on account of all my sins. It's going to be one Hell of a immortallity!
Shadow Phoenix, Oct 03 2007

       So what happens to you if you're a heavenophobe?
MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 03 2007

       Heavenophobes will be put in a room filled with heavenophiles contemplating heaven while you are busy with all the other pains of Hell you have earned (it doesn't sound bad here, but in Hell, it's a lot worse then it sounds.)
Shadow Phoenix, Oct 03 2007

       MB i so appreciated how this idea brought the irony of the afterlife into stark relief. If there is a hell then god is a real asshole, it's truely awful, and heaven CAN'T BE THAT MUCH BETTER. Eternity in the presence of an entity that malevolent would be hell either way.
WcW, Mar 19 2011

       [Maxwell_Buchannan]//I'll be sitting next to, say, Richard Dawkins or Galileo// You'll be sitting next to [Vernon].   

       [WcW] Believing He exists and cares enough about our wellbeing to act the asshole is no doubt comforting to some people who are unable to believe He exists, and cares, and is benificent. Is that your reason, or was it just a rhetorical figure?
mouseposture, Mar 19 2011

       How do you that you'll be getting a seat?   

       You may just get a hook, or a pointed stick on which to be forever impaled.
xenzag, Mar 19 2011

       For all eternity? I think after a few years of the hook I'd say "OK god I'll listen to some bible stories now".
rcarty, Mar 19 2011

       Don't worry, the obsessive religious maniac you're handcuffed to will be telling you plenty of those.
8th of 7, Mar 19 2011

       Can we please keep theology out of this?
MaxwellBuchanan, Mar 19 2011

       What would I have to do to sit next to Mark Twain? Or is that Heaven?
Zimmy, Mar 20 2011

       An opportunity for another favourite quote, I think...

"If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater", Shepherd Book, Firefly ("Our Mrs Reynolds")
DrBob, Mar 21 2011

       Hmm, concerned by the apparent lack of adequate fire exits, it might be an idea to add a few. I'd like a descending series of worry-inducing, down to "Nagging doubt you might have an overdue library book, all ye who enter here".
not_morrison_rm, Jul 03 2013


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