Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Spider relocation frame

humane arachnid mobile home system.
  (+10, -1)(+10, -1)
(+10, -1)
  [vote for,

The flat I recently moved into has excellent original turn-of-century (no, I mean the the one before last) architraving all around the ceiling. Unfortunatly this hevily embossed white plaster depiction of ivy contains many nooks and crannies which seem to house an almost endless supply of the largest house spiders I've ever seen. These hard working octapods keep me busy by forcing my girlfriend to repeatedly call for me to remove them, humanely, to the porch, by means of glass and postcard.

This I do not take umbridge at. Its not a job I'm particularly fond of but hey; a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do right?

What I don't like so much is when one of the little chaps has been working industriously away at a big old web, then I come along and ruin everything by knocking him deftly into a glass prison before ejecting him to the great outdoors. It just feels wrong somehow.

The answer to this is simple and quite bakable by the DIY enthusiast. It would consist of; two equilateral triangular frames made of wood, one slightly smaller so as to fit within the larger one. The inner frame should be detachable by means of a latch. The outer frame is now bolted into the ceiling corners of rooms, where webs are often found. When Mr Spider comes along, he notices new ridges in corner; useful for attatching major load baring silk for his new house. He dilligently works away, constructing a piece of elegant natural beauty. When discovered by my girlfriend it is a simple task to detach inner part of frame, web intact, and remove to second 'holding' frame in porch. You could even help the little fella out by putting some kind of fly attracting chemical or device right in the corner behind this second frame, giving him a greater supply of food.

To make the frame more pleasing to the eye it could have vines, spiders or pork pies intricatly carved into its outer surface.

Zircon, Sep 13 2002

(?) Spider Web Frame http://www.insectlo...spiderwebframe.html
This isn't your mobile version. But you can use it to get the angles right. [Amos Kito, Sep 14 2002, last modified Oct 21 2004]

Spider Web Frame Art http://www.angelfir...ulie/Spiderweb.html
Isn't the Internet wonderful? [Amos Kito, Sep 14 2002, last modified Oct 21 2004]

Spiders Spidershttp://en.wi...ure/Animals/Spiders
scroll down. [BJS, Jun 08 2006]


       Suggestions for a good catergory for this would be appreciated....
Zircon, Sep 13 2002

       is there a catergory for "ideas bliss will hate"?
rbl, Sep 13 2002

       Home: Pest Control, perhaps? But 'Web Technology' is so cute as is...
RayfordSteele, Sep 13 2002

       pork pies?
XSarenkaX, Sep 13 2002

       Pork pies. Yes. Pork pies. God's own nourishment for beer drinkers. Goes well with pickles and mustard. Pork pies. You have a problem with that ? You have some sort of issue you need to work through ? Pork pies, OK ? Pies, made with pork. Nothing complicated. Cheap, filling, nutritious and oh, soooo tasty ....   

       I like the idea, and the category, and I would award Zircon a pork pie if I could, but he will have to make do with a croissant.
8th of 7, Sep 13 2002

       Please don't post ideas in categories you don't literally mean - it's a real pain in the neck for the moderators.
yamahito, Sep 13 2002

       The Computer: Web Technology category made me chuckle but no-one's ever going to find it there. I think that RayfordSteele is spot on with Home: Pest Control.
[moved] Oh yeah, and +.
st3f, Sep 13 2002

       8th, you are really funny when you are talking about pork pies. I think you may have found your niche at the HB.
po, Sep 13 2002

       Sorry, [8th of 7], I didn't mean anything offending or personal. I'd just never heard of pork pies and in the context, I thought it would be some decorative pattern I didn't know about.   

       P.S. Relax, have a pork pie or something.
XSarenkaX, Sep 13 2002

       Pies are a bit of a vexed subject at the moment. I have about two weeks to slim down enough to fit my rather large frame through the rather small hole in the top of a tank. If I do not fit through the hole, it will be a huge waste of time and money and a lot of people will be very angry. It is entirely possible that they will enlist the aid of all those there present to ensure my successful insertion into said tank, irrespective of any dimensional disparites between myself and the relevant aperture, and/or any consequential damage to me. As long as I can get inside and work the kit as required, they will be happy; it is not clear of they will make any attempt to extract me afterward, until they need the wretched thing for something else. My ony hope is to cling onto the data recordings in the hope that I am extracted along with them.   

       So, I am on a diet. No pies. Very bad. Very, very bad. Very miserable and unhappy. No chocolate, bacon butties, chips, or pies, and only very limited amounts of poxy low-enjoyment beer. "Grim" doesn't even come close. So, just leave off the subject of pies for a couple of weeks, OK ? You're rubbing a raw nerve. Remember the "Dentistry" scene from "Marathon Man" ?? I think you get the picture.
8th of 7, Sep 13 2002

       [Zircon] Your girlfriend is breeding spiders and distributing them around your flat as she knows that asking you to take spiders outside is the only way she can drag you away from the HalfBakery.
hippo, Sep 14 2002

       7/8 - do the liquid > solid diet
moist fruit
crispy fruit
leafy green things
etc. until you finish the day off with a steak
If you get hungry, have a small amount of extra-rich ice cream
Greatest diet in the world
thumbwax, Sep 14 2002

       [8th: Do not drink anything with trapped gas in it. You can do two weeks without beer, can't you? No soda, either.   

       In the course of two weeks, you'll thin down a bit just from this move alone, having lost that trapped gas that bloats out the front/central torso.]
waugsqueke, Sep 14 2002

       pies, meat pies, fruit pies, steak and kidney pies, pork pies, chicken pies, yummy pies with gravy - that'll teach him for all those anti-cat ideas - pies, meat pies, fruit pies, steak and kidney pies, pork pies, chicken pies, yummy pies with gravy   

       I would have thought with all your imagination, you could make that aperture a little larger!   

       pies, meat pies, fruit pies, steak and kidney pies, pork pies, chicken pies, yummy pies with gravy - that'll teach him for all those anti-cat ideas - pies, meat pies, fruit pies, steak and kidney pies, pork pies, chicken pies, yummy pies with gravy
po, Sep 14 2002

       [po] you are quite possibly one of the cruelest people I can think of right now.
kaz, Sep 14 2002

       squeezing him out in the same manner is hugely funny. :)
po, Sep 14 2002




       "What's that sound ?"   

       "Oh dear, that's the 'Sense of humour failure' alarm ... better head for the shelters ...."
8th of 7, Sep 14 2002

       Since we're on the subject of pies, I have a story about them. I was in the USAF years ago, stationed in England. A friend and I drove to a town called Felixstowe, and saw a snack van by the side of the road. A big sign said "Meat Pies". My friend odered 6 of them, I just got a warm Coke (yumm... warm Coke). He took one bite, threw the rest out, and never spoke of the event again.   

       More About Spiders: they love to rebuild their webs. Some destroy and make a fresh one every day. So it's fine to relocate her, bearing in mind the surprised arachnid may jump to your arm, run up your sleeve and down your back for security during the move. Oh, what a feeling.
Amos Kito, Sep 14 2002

       // Horrible image ....... //   

       Thankyou for that, I shall be waking up screaming in the night for the next 2 weeks now. These people have a very basic sense of humour and a very, very direct approach to problems, and they're entirely likely to do just what you're suggesting.   

       [Amos], we know what you mean. You have our sympaties. Having in the past consumed many excellent American pies, made with best steak, fresh onion, herbs and seasoning, with delicious pastry, and having suffered the torments of what is laughingly known as a "meat" pie in Britain, it is easy to envisage you companion's horror at the experience.   

       po: You think you're funny, but you're not ......
8th of 7, Sep 16 2002

       8th... how can you even contemplate eating pork pies ewww. I mean they're *cold* and they have that icky aspic jelly stuff. Urrrk.   

       Zircon, I like your idea. I'm no fan of spiders but I don't want them all dead. Cockroaches on the other hand..
madradish, Sep 19 2002

       My newly discovered method of getting rid of spiders in the bath is to place my cat in there and get him interested in the spider. The resulting struggle usually results in the spider being predated.
Aristotle, Sep 19 2002

       Aristotle: Do you put water in the bath, too ?
8th of 7, Sep 19 2002

       8th of 7: Filling the bath with water first would probably have given the spider the upper hand. I would rather my cat triumph as I have invested many an hour teaching him to talk and come on walks with me.
Aristotle, Sep 19 2002

       UB: // Horrible image of naked, greased 8/7 (all slick and shiny with KY or dubbin //   

       Think it's funny, eh ? I'll have them take pictures and mail them to you .....   

       Aristotle: Stop ..... please stop ..... you're scaring me .....
8th of 7, Sep 19 2002

       8th of 7: Rest assured that the "talking" is due my cat being part siamese (and my successful attempts to socialise him by miaowing at him lots 10 years ago, when he was a kitten) and his coming on walks is because he was mothered by a very maternal dog.
Aristotle, Sep 19 2002

       // my successful attempts to socialise him by miaowing at him //   

       I'm now not sure which worries me more; a cat taught to "talk" by a human, or a human who tries to teach his cat to talk by miaowing at it. Especially as you characterise your attempt as "successful". The "going on walks", and the "maternal dog" thing, I have both seen - but ther miaowing thing is a new and scary development. For heaven's sake, don't teach him to use a can opener, or we'll all be doomed .....
8th of 7, Sep 19 2002

       Although Charlie has mastered the art of polysyllabic miaows (he does a starting "hello") everything I've taught him has been according to his nature. Eating captured birds whole (without much waste) was a success, for example, but I do draw the line at teaching him to use human artifacts more complex than a cat flap. He worked out our alarm clock by himself.
Aristotle, Sep 19 2002

       3-and-a-bit years on from your experience, [8th]. How did you (did you at all) get in and out of the tank?
methinksnot, Jun 08 2006

       Yes, do tell, please...
normzone, Feb 05 2014


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