Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Standardised Buttock Measurements

Are you really a lard-arse?
  (+8, -4)
(+8, -4)
  [vote for,

Following BartJan's posting of Bend With The Butt credit cards, their followed a discussion in which everyone asserted that their backside was either average size or smaller. Nobody owned up to having a huge arse. Statisticians howl with incredulity!

Clearly there is a need for a standardised buttock measurement, taking in such factors as width, length and curvature. In traditional fashion, there would be a set of range bands, along Beaufort Scale lines, which would establish whether you were...

Scale 1 - Stick Insect
Scale 2 - Skinny
Scale 3 - Petite
Scale 4 - Average
Scale 5 - Slightly Lardy
Scale 6 - Fat Arse
Scale 7 - Sumo Wrestler

I'm sure you can all come up with some better names though...

DrBob, Jul 25 2001

Daniel Pinkwater on the Buttock Controversy http://cartalk.cars...kwater/buttock.html
Links to the bit beauxeault remembers. [jutta, Jul 25 2001]

Anthropometric Studies http://www.ee.cua.e...bmd/anthro-hist.htm
[quarterbaker, Jul 25 2001, last modified Oct 21 2004]

An Expert in the field
Resume of Jue Wang:
Ph.D. Dissertation: Development of a Compound Ultrasonic Device and Biomechanical Assessment of Buttock Soft Tissue in Vivo [thumbwax, May 20 2002, last modified Oct 05 2004]


       Can you repeat those in inches please? Qualitative measurements like "stick insect" and "slightly lardy" are exactly the essence of the problem you're trying to solve.
lewisgirl, Jul 25 2001

       That's my point, lewisgirl. Someone should do the measurements so that we know exactly how wide your backside has to be to fall into the 'Average' or 'Slightly Lardy' categories.
DrBob, Jul 25 2001

       I believe I once heard someone on NPR (was it the Magliozzi brothers?) propose such a standard measurement unit, designated as a "pinkwater," in reference to the evidently rotund Daniel Pinkwater. The implication was that most of us would fall into the fractional pinkwaters categories.
beauxeault, Jul 25 2001

       6" by 8" by pert. Each.
lewisgirl, Jul 25 2001

       Seriously, there are lots of anthropometric studies available. Check out the link. If anyone has connections to the garment industry - specifically for blue jeans would be nice - they can probably provide actual industry classifications of shape and size.
quarterbaker, Jul 25 2001

       As a man of African descent, I can tell you, as a whole women who are are African or African descent would not fit into a catagory of behind size or shape that is built to conform to those of European or European descent. I think some cultural consideration need to be taken into account if there is a standard of behind size to be had.
sin, Jul 25 2001

       Table. Some asses are so 'out there' you could put a beer can on 'em. Gotta have a Table Ass in the Scale listing. In fact - there should be a Table Of Asses rather than a Scale list. Of course, having a Table Ass listed within the Table Of Asses would compound matters, so perhaps the Table Ass should be referred to as the Cocktail Table. No, wait.
thumbwax, Jul 25 2001

       Why are we obsessing about size? I think sin and thumbwax are right in bringing up shape. lewisgirl suggests "pert" as a measurement unit, but in keeping with the descriptive quality of the original idea we might enumerate:   

       Type I: Flatfish
Type II: Couch Cushion
Type III: Bubble Butt (pert?)
Type IV: Musk Melon
Type V: End Table (from thumbwax's anno)
Type VI: Hunchback (so high it's between the shoulderblades.)

       Thus we might imagine a Slightly Lardy/Musk Melon, Scale 5 Type IV, as large but firm and spherical, whilst a Slightly Lardy/Couch Cushion, Scale 5 Type II would be a large, flattened, droopy buttock.
Dog Ed, Jul 25 2001

       Croissant for bravery to lewisgirl for being the first to post some real numbers. I've just got the tape measure out and can register 13"(width) by 9.5"(length) by 5"(depth - as measured from the back of the thigh to maximum outward extension). Measurements are for the pair not individual buttocks, I hasten to add. I would guess that this puts me in at least the slightly lardy category but two sets of measurements is hardly a scientific sample. Come on you cowards, lets bake this thing!

And yes, Dog Ed, dual size and shape tables is a reasonable modification. I would hazard a guess that that sets me as Scale 5 Type IV. It would also make sense to have a different scale for men & women.
DrBob, Jul 25 2001

       Clearly, there needs to be a Spheriodic Table of Glutements.
Someone else can come up with the numbers - if so inclined, though the PW himself said "You know, actually, I think that I prefer that this be used not as a measurement in terms of length or width, but as an ideal or philosophical concept."

       SI=Stick Insect
SL=Slightly Lardy
MM=Musk Melon
JL=Jennifer Lopez
ET=End Table
FA=Fat Arse
CC=Couch Cushion
SW=Sumo Wrestler
LS=Love Seat (see also: Sc)
Sc=Surcharge on Airline Tickets
Pf=Permafrost (Ass is so big it permanently shades and cools the ground)
thumbwax, Jul 26 2001

       Having seen 'it' from less than a yard/metre away directly in line with my eyes, as she was walking up steps to her residential building 3 steps ahead of me while wearing a rather sheer skirt - not me - JL, and conversed with JL about her - as it turns out- homemade perfume - which was remarkable in that it was the finest perfume I've ever come across - and which she refuses to market as it was her mothers recipe... Yes, I can attest that it is indeed readily apparent.
However... the most amazing one I ever saw was literally and figuratively a traffic stopper on the outdoor set of a Music Video - the name of which was erased permanently from my brain by the sheer force of the bouncing, hopping, shaking fanny. Absolutely breathtaking - and I don't mean that in a bad way.
thumbwax, Jul 26 2001

       [thumbwax] You are, indeed, a lucky man. I would LOVE to get a closeup view of J-Lo's booty.....especially in a sheer skirt!
novox, Jul 26 2001

       With the Moon(s) at 12 o'clock and distometer set at 6 for reference and equidistance between 1-11, 2-10, 3-9, 4-8, 5,7 - I'd say 2:15 or 9:45.
thumbwax, Jan 10 2002

       Clearly, you all know, the size of your "Arse" depends on the distance of you from the equator, subtracting how many days until the Vernal equinox (or adding if the equinox has already passed), all over the square root of your height (in millimeters). Here is the equation:   

       D - (T)   

       ------- = Ass size (moons, or Ms)   


       It's just that simple. (I know this is hard to read, it doesnt want to work right...)
Salty Ham, Jan 10 2002

       (Cant believe DrBob got people to measure their asses!)
snarfyguy, Jan 10 2002

       Just another of my extraordinary talents, snarfyguy.
DrBob, Jan 11 2002

       lol well i've got a Petite Bubble butt...   

       and like with BartJan's post, i think one thing is, that as a girl with a butt-cheek wallet,my wallet's got my butt cheek basically engraved into it...so thats how i guess you can classify butts, by the walletsthat go on them
cowgirl18991, Mar 31 2002

       cowgirl - it is considered unwise to keep a wallet in rear pocket.
One - it actually makes the individual lean a bit - when sitting, it causes the spine to go out of alignment. Over the long term, your back will end up looking like this... Behold! )
Two - The wallet - hides - if you will, the (__|__) which is not to be confused with the (________|________), which experts recognize as plumber's butt.
thumbwax, Mar 31 2002

       thumbwax- as a country-girl, a lot of girls here have wallets on their butt-cheeks...and i'm no exception, lol. i dont think its too much of a problem with the leaning thing, cuz the wallet is completely formed to the shape of my left butt cheek...so it doesnt hide my butt and its like a part of my rear basically from sittin' on it for so long and wearing it in to my butt that its like i'm not sitting on anythin' at all.
cowgirl18991, Apr 01 2002

       //i've got a Petite Bubble butt//

Prove it, cowgirl! Let's see some numbers.
DrBob, Apr 01 2002

       All my clothes are size XH - extra handsome...
calum, Apr 01 2002

       Lol Dr. Bob...I'm not about to measuer but if you want my estimate...   

       5" wide by 8" high... (thats my butt cheek)   

       but theres more to a butt than just how wide and high it is...theres the depth to it, and bubble-factor   

       which i have, but can't really prove here...unless i posted a pic of my wallet, as tis curved like a C from the curvature of my butt-cheek..
cowgirl18991, Apr 02 2002

       Ah, yes, a good point. We need the z-axis measurement as well. Perhaps this could be represented in a sort of parabola, derived from three points of reference. A buttock cup size, if you like.
waugsqueke, Apr 03 2002

       Just sink your cheeks into a vat of plaster while prone and later measure how much liquid can be poured into the mold. Cowgirl might have a 10 gallon hat and a 1 gallon hindquarter.   

       Or make use of standardized bra sizes though ZZZ might not be big enough.
FarmerJohn, Apr 05 2002

       There's an online shop where you can buy the kit to do a plaster cast of a part of your anatomy (you men, I mean) and send it back to them to make into a novelty item for your loved one to 'use', I guess when you're not around. I think you have to buy your own batteries. Maybe if we did the same thing with bottoms, we could build up a database of volumes, curve equations etc. You would have to decide whether you wanted the cast made of your sat-down profile or your standing up profile. Also, posture makes such a difference. If you curve your spine to puff your chest out you end up sticking your bottom out too, whereas you could have a normal if unremarkable bottom profile if you stood up properly.
sappho, Apr 05 2002

       Mephista, acknowledged... I was thinking of the butt bra when I wrote that, actually.
waugsqueke, Apr 05 2002

       i'm tellin ya'll, the z-axis measurement is imprinted into my wallet...no special molds needed :D
cowgirl18991, Apr 11 2002

       [cowgirl] can we get off the wallet thing by now? It's getting a little johnny-one-note-ish.
bristolz, Apr 11 2002

       my cheek measurement is 9 wide by 9.5 high, do i have a big butt?
latinmami, May 19 2002

       You might, but I personally would not know unless I wore it as a hat.
entremanure, May 20 2002

       latinmami, that depends on whether it's centimetres, inches or yards.
DrBob, May 20 2002

       its inches...lord godforbid if i had 9 yards of a butt
latinmami, May 21 2002

       "Lobachevsky alone has looked on beauty bare; he cures in here, he curves in here, he curves out there."
hello_c, May 22 2002

       bristolz: the wallet thing seemed relevant, it measures an entirely new axis of your ass-cheek ; )
cowgirl18991, Jun 24 2002

       Isn't there something on the Halfbakery about everything having been invented by someone French? I think standardised buttock measurements were invented by Francois D'Arce...and the system is nowadays simply known as "La D'Arce"...
gizmo_man, Jun 24 2002

       Wait a minute. My dictionary says that a "buttock" is "either of the two fleshy protuberances forming the lower and back part of the trunk." So you're talking about half a bum? True, in most cases, the second half is approximately the same size as the first---but still, why not just consider the whole thing and be done with it?
Ander, Aug 24 2003

       Why not add focal length too?
universalwannabe, Dec 06 2003

       I don't think the wallet thing has relevance. There are many different sized wallets, depending on the number of folds to your currency, whether or not you keep a checkbook in there, and of course, the size of the currency in your country. (Granted, the size of credit cards is helping to standardize things...)   

       Additionally, few wallets actually cover the entire buttock. As this is an organic shape, the curvature may differ significantly depending on the exact area the wallet is on.   

       And lastly, many people keep their wallets in a purse, in a front pocket, in a jacket pocket, or even at home.   

       Besides all these details, measuring the wallet for curvature adds in an additional layer of complication, in that you have to measure the wallet. Meausring the buttock itself for curvature would be both more accurate, and just as simple.
ye_river_xiv, Aug 24 2006


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