Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Stock Market Beauty Pageant

anthropomorphise companies, see which one is the cutest
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In recent years, there have been a number of attempts to entice small mom 'n pop investors into the stock market with limited success, particularly with selling off public amenity companies to consumers, but I digress.

It seems that all this financial mumbo jumbo is way to much for Joe Average to handle, so why not establish a firm whose goal is to help these people invest by providing this potentially confusing information in a form they will understand. They can hire a number of accountants to search through financial statements, economists to try and look at performance et cetera, and industry insiders to put all the information into perspective, and using a very strict set of guidelines, produce a human form for a number of businesses. Afterwards, they can contact theatrical agencies, teeming with extras, and find the right person for the right company. The beauty pageant part is pretty self explanatory.

So, for example, Miss Microsoft. Miss Microsoft is a relatively young, but not so thin lady: not genteel, she reeks of 'new money'. She moves onto the stage conspicuously slowly, and is slow to react to the host's questions. After being asked various questions she leaves uneasy silent gaps, but whenever somebody else tries to fill in these gaps and answer questions for her, she reacts violently and physically attempts to push them off the stage. She bribes the judges and perverts the judging system.

Of course not all companies have to be young girls: this is the post-90s. The older companies would be typically anthropomorphised into the cigar chewing, spirits swilling, bourgeois. It's really up to the investors to judge what they want to look for in a company, and invest.

sdm, Sep 08 2001


       Let's see. The subtext of this plan would be that equity investing is 'sexy'. That's original -- NOT.   

       It does set my mind to working, though. Equities are a result of supply and demand forces, and it is likely that the // mumbo jumbo // reported to the public is the residual effect of trying to catch the eye of stodgy cash hoarders of years gone by. Jeez -- price * sales; p/e ratios; acid tests, quick ratios, backlogs, forward contracts, MMs, leaps … all baloney. Maybe my ol man gave a fit about that stuff; but me, I only care how many single people work for the company and if they plan to expand, will they be certain to expand somewhere far from me. Yeah … change perception of corporate responsibility and you'll have more investors and fewer settlement seeking attorneys hanging around your store. In the meantime, I'll be seeing you in around DJIA 7500.
reensure, Sep 08 2001

       Cool idea, but isn't this kind of what happens in advertising anyway? Huge company pays huge star huge amounts of money to *represent* them to the public.
Guy Fox, Sep 08 2001

       reensure: //That's original -- NOT!// gnarly point, dude... Seriously, not sexy, just fitness for purpose, and I do see what you mean about corporate responsibility. But this idea could help. If more people take an interest in equity markets, (because of corporate and economic information being made available in an easy-to-follow form,) theoretically, they will move away from money-hunting through litigation, and onto the stock market.   

       Guy: Sort of, but as it is, companies choose the stars who represent them. This idea would involve a panel who choose which person represents which company, and be more or less objective.
sdm, Sep 08 2001, last modified Sep 09 2001

       what he said...
snarfyguy, Sep 10 2001

       Top Heavy - Trim Middle = Bottom Line
thumbwax, Sep 10 2001

       I think that it is interesting and accessable metaphor, although a livestock market could be a little richer and perhaps more apt.
Aristotle, Sep 10 2001

       Yes, livestock. After their IPOs, you lead all the new tech companies off to the slaughterhouse...
wiml, Sep 10 2001

       Ancient Chinese Proverb I just made up:
One who is full of bull may be bear in disguise
thumbwax, Sep 10 2001

       Market valuation defined as "today's stock price times the number of shares" could be transformed into models weight.   

       The location of the majority of sales along the product development curve could be represented by the apparent age of the model.   

       Profits for the last year could be represented by how many garments the model is wearing.   

       Management honesty and reputation by stain and soil on face, skin and clothing.   

       Several thousand Computer 3D models arrayed by age and height say would be very informative.   

       Tesla Motors would be tall/wide, young, as yet unspotted and naked for example.
popbottle, Nov 17 2014


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