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The Pirate King of Somalia

Arrr! No, really!
  (+12, -1)(+12, -1)
(+12, -1)
  [vote for,

Pirates are popular. Generally these are 17th century pirates who are harmless by virtue of being in the remote past, and mostly fake. The most popular ones are also very ugly or very cute.

But now real pirates are in the news, doing piratical things like battling the Indian Navy, shanghaiing french luxury tourists and turning their speedboat into a pirate speedboat, stealing boats full of questionable arms, and other deeds of piratical daring.

These pirates are Somali, where the people are dang good looking. Plus Somalia has an long and exotic heritage.

I propose that a Somali pirate set himself up as the Pirate King. He would need dash and swashbuckle but maybe already has those things. He would need an ability to flirt with the camera, which seems notably absent in pictures of Somali men I found on the web. He would fight bad pirates and navies alike. He would ostentatiously bestow (some of) the ransoms and booty on the poor and suffering Somali people, with side trips to Timbuktu and like points. I envision a Robin Hood / Johnny Depp fusion with the publicity nose of an Osama bin Laden / Paris Hilton fusion. I forsee a steady stream of news, trading cards featuring the Pirate King and his crew, perhaps a clothing line based on traditional Somali pirate garb, and ultimately retirement and Yasser Arafat-style respectability as the president of Somalia.

It might be easier to make the Pirate King entirely fake, because the above attributes would be easier to obtain, plus he would be safer to profitably deal with. The Pirate King could take credit for the various deeds of some pirates, while denouncing other (more brutal) pirates. It would be easier to get the fake pirate king for photoshoots, Oprah and so on. He would not be allowed to go clubbing or such - sightings should be brief, like Bigfoot. The real pirates might take umbrage but what are they going to do that they aren't already doing?

bungston, Nov 21 2008

Pirates? Who Me? http://www.illegal-...=145&approach_id=13
from where did your cheap fish come? [xenzag, Nov 21 2008]

I Am A Pirate King http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=tQatWLEIJrA
Sing along. [jurist, Nov 23 2008]


       "An estimated 700 foreign-owned vessels were engaged in unlicensed fishing in Somali waters in 2005'' - makes you wonder whom are the real Pirates? see link for more details of the other side of the coin that Fox news et all never shows. edit - forgot to add [+]
xenzag, Nov 21 2008

       (+) Somalia sounds good, because Samosa has been claimed.
samosa_pirate, Nov 21 2008

       Who better to clean out those foreign fishing boats than the Pirate King?
bungston, Nov 21 2008

       The sinister minister, the capsulary emissary, the sea duty deputy, the extortionary plenipotentiary, the besiegement agent, the spermat diplomat...   

       last one's a bit of a stretch.
daseva, Nov 21 2008

       I happen to know the owner of the tanks (the ones with big guns, for killing people) that were hijacked by Somali pirates a few weeks ago and I can report that he not squeaky clean himself. It's a very dirty game, run by VERY cruel people, for an awful lot of money. The heroes, the ones that should be feted, are the brave officers and (wo)men risking their lives to make the seas a safe place. Sorry for the sobriety.
Mony a Mickle, Nov 22 2008

       If they were to use the cash they're making to help the Somali poor, it would legitimise a very nasty business - probably not a good thing.   

       However: this isn't a serious proposal, it's just a BungCo idea and a rather cool one at that. [+]
wagster, Nov 22 2008

       Ok I read the whole thing twice and I now think you are not just being evil in this idea. But yes, pirates are VERY cruel. I wonder when the halfbakery will come up with the international talk like a nazi day.
zeno, Nov 23 2008

       Nazis, likewise, are dang good looking. That, or very ugly.
mylodon, Nov 23 2008

//I happen to know the owner of the tanks (the ones with big guns, for killing people) that were hijacked by Somali pirates a few weeks ago and I can report that he not squeaky clean himself.//

       The T-72, an ancient Soviet design, not so good for modern warfare, but fine for use on civilians. Looks like the pirates did a good thing, at least in this case. Of course, they will ransom them, so the benefit is temporary.
ldischler, Nov 23 2008

       Still, it's encouraging that the hijackers insisted their hostage speak in English, the international language of piracy from Wall Street to the Indian Ocean, "so that they understand."
ldischler, Nov 23 2008

       // The T-72, an ancient Soviet design, not so good for modern warfare, but fine for use on civilians.//   

       Depends on who you fight. Sure the Challenger 2 would mash them up, but in Africa they are still very handy. Nambia, for example, uses the T-55, as does Chad, Angola (though they also have T-62 and T-72s, still nothing that renders these T-72s obsolete), Algeria, Congo and many more (including Abkhazia apparently). It recently saw use in the UIC war in Somalia itself, when the Ethiopians used them to devastating effect because no-one had anything better in Somalia or Eritrea.
Germanicus, Nov 23 2008

       Yeah, Germanicus, I suppose you're right. After all, the US is still using the even more ancient B52.
ldischler, Nov 23 2008

       + When I saw/heard all this reported on the news, it seemed a bit exciting. I liked the fact that these modern-day pirates have ethics and do what they promise. Not that I'm condoning crimes, but...if he won't pose for an infomercial, we'll just have to use Captain Morgan!
xandram, Nov 24 2008

       //but in Africa they are still very handy// The perfect advertising slogan for a second hand Russian Tank.
xenzag, Nov 24 2008

       The B-52 isn't actually the same plane, having been upgraded many many times.
Voice, Nov 25 2008


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