Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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WWF-funded panda genocide

It's for the good of the other species
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I have a hypothesis that we just happen to be living at a time when the rubbish species Aileuropoda melaleuca is too, and the fact that it's going extinct is not because of us but because it's crap. It abandons half its young, has no libido and does a whole load of self-defeating stuff. This is in contrast to all the insects, molluscs, plants, vertebrates and the rest which are just dying out because we're doing things which endanger them in various ways. At the same time we waste money and resources trying to prop up a loser species which ought to go to the wall, and some people are keen on hunting.

The WWF's patron has of course been that famous huntin'-shootin'-fishin' guy and father of the future Reiki Master, the Duke of Edinburgh. It also has a panda as its logo. If we're serious about saving biodiversity, we would decide once and for all to stop wasting money on the panda, and one way of doing this would be to use WWF funds to pay people to go out and hunt them to extinction. Then they'd be gone forever, and we could stop wasting money on them and satisfy people's desire to hunt an endangered species which actually deserves to become extinct rather than one which is only endangered because its horn is an alleged aphrodisiac or something. Once that had been done, we could get on with spending money where it would actually do some good.

Sometimes you've got to be cruel to be kind.

nineteenthly, Dec 23 2010

wasn't it great - that idea that Chris Packham had http://www.telegrap...wed-to-die-out.html
[po, Dec 23 2010]

This idea has it's own theme song. http://www.myspace.com/video/vid/31708900
Ala Sean Cullen [2 fries shy of a happy meal, Dec 23 2010]

Did the World Wildlife Fund sue the World Wrestling Federation? http://wiki.answers...restling_Federation
[hippo, Dec 23 2010]

Ersatz panda http://www.inquisit...n-japan-panda-dogs/
AND they can breed. [MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 23 2010]

David Dimbleby and the Pandas of Doom http://www.bbc.co.u...and_the_pandas.html
[po, Dec 24 2010]

come on http://www.youtube....watch?v=XbqzgDnfMsE
[zeno, Dec 25 2010]

Wikipedia: Diet of Worms http://en.wikipedia.../wiki/Diet_of_Worms
[rcarty, Dec 28 2010]

Panda poop may be a treasure trove of microbes for making biofuels http://portal.acs.o...8-bed8-b09fc25386bb
[swimswim, Aug 31 2011]

(?) Should we save the panda? http://www.societyo...s/biologyweek/panda
I wonder if they might be receptive to this idea. [Wrongfellow, Sep 27 2012]

[link]






       //we waste money and resources trying to prop up a loser species //

So who are the real loser species then, eh? ;o)
DrBob, Dec 23 2010
  

       Surpising [ninteenthly]. I thought that this was written by someone else.   

       Has it been proven that their lack of libido, child abandonment, and self defeating-ness are not due to environmental or chemical changes...maybe brought on by us?   

       Well maybe, but that would depend on their history.   

       OK, [po], that would be grounds for deletion so i'll just leave this up a little while longer for it to register that it's widely known to exist and then nuke it. Can't say i liked it much, to be honest.
nineteenthly, Dec 23 2010
  

       From [po]'s link is this from David Bellamy - “I agree completely,” he said. “When I was a WWF trustee I begged them to buy big chunks of the land in which these animals live, not just go on spending millions on rearing pandas in captivity."   

       Having said that, isn't there some real benefit gained in researching the tools techniques and technologies necessary to get pandas to breed in captivity? Even if it were only to produce a token, mascot species that we could keep going to show ourselves off, isn't that a reasonable goal in itself? Like placing a man on the moon, keeping the panda species alive doesn't provide any direct benefits (unless you're a panda) but there are probably plenty of offshoots from the endeavour that could provide useful.
zen_tom, Dec 23 2010
  

       Just when you've written someone off as a long-haired vegetarian Guardian-reading sandal-wearing 2CV-driving pinko commie liberal, they come up with an awesome idea ...... [+]
8th of 7, Dec 23 2010
  

       Pandas are actually the ghosts of dust-bunnies. Modern hoover technology is to blame for their demise.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 23 2010
  

       //we waste money and resources trying to prop up a loser species which ought to go to the wall//   

       But they have cute-looking fur, and the correct number of eyes and legs. This of course means that they need to be preserved at all costs.   

       Some years ago I saw two articles next to each other on the BBC news site. The first was from the World Wildlife Fund, reporting that such-and-such small furry mammal was nearly extinct in the wild, and asking for donations to help preserve it. The second was from the World Health Organisation, reporting that smallpox was nearly extinct in the wild, and asking for donations to help finish the bugger off for good.   

       I thought this double standard was very amusing, and I wonder if the same thing occurred to the editor who decided to put the two articles right next to each other on the index page.
Wrongfellow, Dec 23 2010
  

       [ of ], i'm a Telegraph reader as it happens, and the only cars i've driven are Ford Escorts, Corsas and Cavaliers.   

       I don't know what to do now. Some people like it, some don't. Er, OK, here's my thought. This is a new idea because - it's not about just letting them die out, but encouraging them to, and in fact i have a new bit: get people to pay for the chance to hunt them and use the money to fund non-panda conservation projects.
nineteenthly, Dec 23 2010
  

       Pandas are here only because they have cute ears. If it weren't for their cute ears, no one would be trying to save them.
phundug, Dec 23 2010
  

       Why would the World Wrestling Federation be anti-panda?
hippo, Dec 23 2010
  

       pandas are just picky about their partners and probably enjoy sex more in privacy with the lights out. they are really sweet but CP's (and 19thly) POV is that the resources we are spending is at the expense of many other species but as ZT points out there are still benefits from techniques etc that zoologists learn.   

       pandas are very cute though and I'd hate to lose them.
po, Dec 23 2010
  

       Maybe we could just distribute the remaining pandas to people like [po]. Private ownership might be more successful.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 23 2010
  

       Maybe some kind of breeding would work, but it would depend on them being able to reproduce, which seems to be a weak point for them.   

       Look, i'm sorry, i know they're cute, but i'm pretty sure a planet without pandas would be one where conservation would be more effective rather than less.
nineteenthly, Dec 23 2010
  

       Dogs are the answer.   

       They are almost infinitely adaptable. With a little effort, we ought to be able to produce a dog that looks like a panda within 50-80 years.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 23 2010
  

       In fact, it appears the Japanese have already made a start. <link>
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 23 2010
  

       I can't agree with making any animal extinct, but apart from that the logic is flawed. For a start, how many WWF supporters (like me) are going to be willing to see their money used for hunting expeditions?   

       Now if you re-phrase it read "exterminate Sinar Mas scum shareholders by putting a bounty on them", then I'll double my donations.
xenzag, Dec 23 2010
  

       Very much in keeping with the spirit of Christmas, as seen and felt on the street.
afinehowdoyoudo, Dec 24 2010
  

       Could be because we're not fighting them. This idea's worth a shot.
rcarty, Dec 24 2010
  

       I rather lost sympathy with the WWF after i realised Prince Philip was their patron (he isn't any more).
nineteenthly, Dec 24 2010
  

       If Prince Phillip were their patron they'd need all the sympathy they could get, shirley ?
8th of 7, Dec 24 2010
  

       As people, yes. As a charity, no.
nineteenthly, Dec 24 2010
  

       Yeah, f- the bamboo diversity too. And f- dolphins, smartass meat eating cow-fish.
WcW, Dec 25 2010
  

       If you really want to save any species, start selling food products made out of them that are popular enough to justify raising them. Tiger burgers, panda patties, etc.   

       Case in point, have you heard about the cow and chicken facing extinction? The American bison actually did face extinction until somebody rounded up the last couple of thousand and started using them to make money. We now have a thriving bison meat market (buffalo stew is delicious) and no shortage of this once endangered animal.   

       Unfortunately, this makes some self proclaimed enlightened beautiful people feel bad so if from time to time we need to watch an animal disappear from the face of the Earth so we don't offend them, oh well. That's the price we pay for having "beautiful people".
doctorremulac3, Dec 26 2010
  

       Really though, rather than hunting them for sport, we should hunt them for their meat. Then McDonalds can introduce their new burger, the Quarter-Panda.
BunsenHoneydew, Dec 26 2010
  

       Ugh, "Quarter-panda" I can't believe I missed that.
doctorremulac3, Dec 26 2010
  

       There's actually a better way to monetize this whole thing.   

       Simply start a show called "Panda-monium".   

       Each week, one of the remaining pandas is brought into the studio. A team of pyrotechnical experts have to devise the most original and spectacular way to dispatch the panda. For example, one week they might build a scrapheap decompression chamber capable of actually exploding said panda. The next week, they might build a simple yet graceful panda trebuchet, etc.   

       The show follows their progress in constructing the apparatus (much like Scrapheap Challenge), intercut with shots of the cuddly panda in its cage.   

       During the programme, viewers can phone in and pledge money to EITHER see the panda exploded, launched or whatever OR saved. Whichever camp received the most pledges wins. Either the panda gets it, or the panda is saved and a cuddly panda replica is destroyed in its place.   

       Either way, all the pledged money from both camps goes to wildlife conservation.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 26 2010
  

       I don't know, I like eating them better.   

       What's panda taste like anyway? I mean on the chicken scale, chicken being the core center of what everything else tastes like plus whatever deviation points from center for that particular meat. So rabbit would be "C+.02" (almost the same) emu "C+.15" close but different" Captain Crunch cereal "C+10" not at all like chicken.   

       I'm guessing panda's about a "C+3"
doctorremulac3, Dec 26 2010
  

       It might taste like a meaty version of bamboo shoots.
nineteenthly, Dec 26 2010
  

       It's very similar to Yeti, actually.   

       We like [MB]'s idea VERY much. We consider it will top the ratings in Japan on its first airing.
8th of 7, Dec 26 2010
  

       "Oh waiter, this yeti tasts like a guy in a white gorrilla costume."
doctorremulac3, Dec 26 2010
  

       "... and I've got a bit of a dirty fork ....."
8th of 7, Dec 26 2010
  

       "Yes monsieur, I can replace the fork but if you read the fine print, everthing on the menu is "mock exotic". For instance, "dragon stew" was actually made from rats wearing cute little dragon costumes."   

       "What about the 'Bigfoot fritters'?"   

       "Rats with cute little bigfoot costumes."   

       "Loch ness balls?"   

       "That's rat"   

       "Manticore aux crevettes?"   

       "That would be half rat in shrimp sauce."   

       "And the other half?"   

       "That's rat too."   

       "Is there anything on the menu that's not rat?"   

       "''Well, aside from the mock yeti, afraid not."   

       "Well, just the clean fork then."
doctorremulac3, Dec 26 2010
  

       "Rook's off"
8th of 7, Dec 26 2010
  

       I work with a biologist who tracks the plight of the American Desert Tortoise. She claims it has many of the defects that the panda also suffers from, in addition to a stunningly low IQ, probably measured in negative numbers. She also claims that quite frankly, she hates the tortoises, and thinks anything this poorly adapted should already be dead.   

       This biologist claims that if it were not for efforts to protect the fragile lands where this amazing creature resides, the american deserts would be much abused, and many more species would suffer. This is the only reason she works to protect the tortoises.   

       Seeing as how pandas only eat bamboo, I'm guessing that lands they inhabit also get some benefits when the area is protected.
ye_river_xiv, Dec 27 2010
  

       The thing about the tortoise is, what's the probability of being in existence at the same time as more than one very poorly adapted species? I have no idea if there'd be any way of calculating this, or judging the "naturalness" of the situation since we are ourselves "natural" if you see what i mean.   

       How many "loser" species are there? Are we an example?
nineteenthly, Dec 27 2010
  

       Hardly. We're the grand champion of not only all species but of all kingdoms as well, plant and animal. Like I've said before, we represent the crown jewel of creation itself. We're the almost perfected product of what nature has been trying to do since the first micro bug split into two micro bugs billions of years ago, namely advance life such that it can break free of it's place of origin, the planet Earth, to live on other worlds. All life forms were programmed with this goal but only one figured out how to make it happen. We're the vanguard of life itself and will take all the other forms of life along with us as we inhabit all these worlds. We haven't done it yet, but you're not a looser until you loose, and you don't loose until you quit. I think this generation is a little to soft to take up where the Apollo boys left off, but there'll be other generations that will decide life is about more than getting government supplied anti-depressants and take up the challenge of the last frontier.   

       They'll probably even take the stupid tortoises with them.
doctorremulac3, Dec 27 2010
  

       [doc], check the meta file .. the bit that refers to the potential hazards of posting on the HB while under the influence of mind-altering substances ....
8th of 7, Dec 27 2010
  

       Oh, don't get me started on how crap we are not going to Mars! Seriously, people are just pathetic.   

       Not sure. I'd say the jury's out until we manage to build a Dyson Sphere, terraform Venus or colonise another solar system.
nineteenthly, Dec 27 2010
  

       // not going to Mars! //   

       Why would you want to go there ? We've seen it, it's rubbish.   

       // build a Dyson Sphere //   

       No chance, he has the patents tied up too tight, and who neads a cleaner that big anyway ?   

       // colonise another solar system //   

       You'll never get anywhere as long as you keep with that Prime Directive crap.
8th of 7, Dec 27 2010
  

       Huh huh ug! 8 make funny! He call name and make insult! Hu guhuh! He swift and strong, no need wipe butt like girly man!   

       Believe me 8, nobody expects your kind go to to Mars, you'll stay here with the tortoises.
doctorremulac3, Dec 27 2010
  

       They'll be better company than you ...
8th of 7, Dec 27 2010
  

       For you, yea. They won't confuse and frighten you with words, concepts etc. You can stare at each other and grunt.
doctorremulac3, Dec 27 2010
  

       Ok, that was mean. I'm sorry. Let's all sing kumbaya, hold hands and have a diet Doctor Pepper.
doctorremulac3, Dec 27 2010
  

       Isn't there a plan somewhere to dismantle the planet and rebuild it as a giant swirly objet d'art with a smaller model of itself inside?
nineteenthly, Dec 27 2010
  

       Must have left it in my other coat.
doctorremulac3, Dec 27 2010
  

       Please, stop that, you're frightening us.
8th of 7, Dec 27 2010
  

       "I'll have yours, [doctorremulac3], I love rat"
BunsenHoneydew, Dec 27 2010
  

       Any species is doomed if they taste great with beer.
Grogster, Dec 28 2010
  

       [19thly] New York, according to what I presume to be an accurate portrayal by children's cartoon Futurama is constructed on part of a sphere elevated above the true surface of the Earth. In the future, once the greater circumference of the planet is covered with a Dyson-sphere like man-machine hybrid constructed exoskeleton striking a large enough plane into a large enough tower may result in a real simulacra-earth shifting phenomena only once before approached in scale by some fearless idiots and the mas media.
rcarty, Dec 28 2010
  

       //mas media// steel jungle-drums ?
FlyingToaster, Dec 28 2010
  

       I thought it was a bit like Roman remains being on lower strata, due so far as i can tell to worms moving the soil over centuries.
nineteenthly, Dec 28 2010
  

       And I thought the Diet of Worms was... something else. [link]
rcarty, Dec 28 2010
  

       I was thinking more the Third Defenestration of Panda.
nineteenthly, Dec 28 2010
  

       Sounds like you've identified a window of opportunity there ....
8th of 7, Dec 28 2010
  

       If it were framed differently, it might not fall so easilly.
8th of 7, Dec 28 2010
  

       You're not a loser until you spell 'loser' with two o's.
RayfordSteele, Aug 31 2011
  

       [-] 19th. Please change course of ideas.
pashute, Sep 02 2011
  

       fascism wins again.
WcW, Sep 27 2012
  

       'we could get on with spending money where it would actually do some good'... where is that exactly - declaring open season on Prince Philip?   

       I read years ago that pandas pre-date humans by 7 million years so the question of panda survival doesn't really rest with us anyway. Leave them alone in the wild and they'll do just fine.
Phrontistery, Sep 28 2012
  
      
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