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The Honorable Richard Cheney
Old Executive Office Building
Washington, DC 20501-0011
12 May 2003
Dear Mr. Vice President,
Even as the 2004 campaign approaches, draconian new limits
on monetary free speech, combined with the depradations on
our corporate economy by
tax-and-waste liberals under the
previous administration (as well as terrorists like Saddam
Hussein and Seymour Hersh), threaten our well-laid plans to
usher in the End Times, er, era of bliss and prosperity for all
good Americans. Frankly, Dick, I fear that the long-suffering
RNC faithful may become too disarrayed to flock effectively
behind their great leaders. So, as a loyal Maine cattleman
who knows the importance of keeping a herd in line, I humbly
submit the following proposal to energize our electoral
fundraising. The beauty of my plan, which I call The
Imaginary Friend Bush! is that it works from the top down
and requires almost nothing from each generous donor, yet
promises enormous free speechmaking opportunities for both
the RNC and its donors.
To set TIFB! in motion, you and other RNC officials would ask
each well-connected tycoon in our elite Eagles Nest Egg
club merely to send a letter to each of five imaginary friends.
Simple as that! Just think of the many imaginary friends you
count among your circle Jesus, the spirit of Jefferson Davis,
Santa Claus, the Unborn, Joe Sixpack, the global powerbrokers
of New Europe, Davey and his dog Goliath, Rambo, throngs of
grateful Iraqi schoolchildren, the heroes who saved Privates
Jessica Lynch from Arab rapists, Miami Beach Buchananites,
the list goes on. All these iFriends are
valuable potential donors we have yet to reach. And all are
folks we can count on in this difficult time of need.
Our RNC letters to iFriends would merely ask the recipients to
1) forward the letter to five more iFriends (note: AttyG says
we might be able use his franking privileges to print pre-
stamped envelopes??) and 2) send one thousand imaginary
dollars (i$) to each of up to five donors who passed the letter
on before them. Just a thousand imaginary dollars from each
donor it may be the legal limit for individual campaign
contributors, but heck, its pocket change, even in these
tough times for Americas top tax bracket. And our typical
donor wont even miss the four thousand more i$ (imaginary =
tax-free!) sent to his other iFriends. At first, the RNC coffers
may see just a trickle of return but once the bush of friendly
letters branches forth like the Tree of Gesthemane, rewards
will pour in. For, amazing as it seems, imaginary dollars sent
by imaginary donors will compound into real dollars in
absolute value terms!
To deal with this windfall, RNC could simply set up an
automated account for direct transactions with donors. When
that first transaction of 1000 i$ multiplied by each of 5 iFriends
comes in, well know weve really started something great.
Soon after, 25 new iFriends will send in their donations of 1000
i$ each, and then 125 more iFriends, and so forth well sir, it
dont take a hooknose East Coast trial lawyer to see how itll
add up! Indeed, the crowning moment for each donor will
come when his fifth set of donations arrives:1000 imaginary
dollars from each of 3125 new imaginary friends. The RNC
coffers will really be ringing up those transactions!
I cant tell you how excited I am to get TIFB going for us.
Itll really get the funds flowing so come November
hooey, Dick, well have ourselves a real Texas bbq to
celebrate! Just imagine.
H.W. Merriwether Scunthorpe, III
(?) MadeOff investment game
For full disclosure developed by yours truly's company [theircompetitor, May 12 2009]
||this is really long, and it looks like it will be a rant too.
||I did, and I decided the author was a good writer. However, the idea here is not so hot.
||[n-pearson] - this reads like the back page of the New Yorker and would fit well with their political leanings. You should send it in. Except the transition from imaginary to real dollars needs to be more clear. Or at least referred to more often, if not made more clear.
||(It's satire on Bush's recent "tax break". At least, that's the way I read it.)
||"Frankly, Dick, I fear that the long-suffering RNC faithful may become too disarrayed to flock effectively behind their great leaders."
That's what the NRA is for.
||I once had someone insist that the economic boom seen during the Clinton years was due to Reagan's "Trickle-Down Economics" kicking in. Honest to Ghod. I'm too polite to ask him why the effect lasted twice as long as Reagan or why th economy tanked when Bush got in office.
||Imaginary numbers are multiples of i, the square root of
negative one. So imaginary donations sent in by imaginary
donors actually equal -debits- from the recipient account.
I.e. 1000i dollars from 5i donors is -5000 dollars. Awright
so I tried to make such a clearly unworkable idea at least
arguably relevant to the real world -- sorry if the satire
was too long-winded tho.
||This reminds me of a recent cartoon from the New Yorker. Two pleasant looking, "well-rounded", well-off, ruthless/clueless corporate grandpa types are sitting alone beside each other at a round table. In between them is a stuffed bunny rabbit. The one guy says to the other guy... OK, I'll sell you this stuffed bunny for 7 million dollars. Then, you sell me the bunny for 7 million dollars. [Idea - They've both "made" 7 million and risked absolutely nothing (of their own anyway)or done absolutely anything for that matter]. Need I mention that this is just a wickedly funny exaggeration of EXACTLY what big business does every single day.
||well resurecting this late i=-1^1/2 therefore it only has a value when it is squared when the value will be -1 so the donation is purely imaginary, also for those of an engineering bent j also = -1 dunno why probably to upset the physics lot
||I'm disappointed - I thought that this was a scheme in which somebody said to somebody else - 'You give me an IOU for £20, and then you get all your friends to give you an IOU £20, and they get their friends to give you £20 and so on'.
||Oh, just a thought - these are called chain letters.