Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Anti-Terrorism Program

Give them a taste of what they think they are killing for
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I would not be surprised (and I don't know if it is true, mind you) to learn that international intelligence agencies have a pretty good idea about which young men in radical groups are a high risk for becoming a suicide bomber. For the sake of this idea, we'll assume they do.

But we can't round them up, kidnap them - what would we do with them? Lock them up indefinitely? Kill them? Either way, they would simply become martyrs for the cause. Deprogramming them seems like the best idea, but how?

Here's my idea: kidnap them, yes. Round them up and hold them for three months. But we don't just lock them up. We put them up in a mansion with 72 actual real-life virgins. I am certain they will emerge from this terribly disturbing ordeal, completely rethinking their afterlife plans. They will go back to their terrorist cell and ask for a job that just gets them maybe one or two virgins for a couple of days at most, which of course will not involve strapping on a bomb.

Of course, to pay for it, it's reality TV, baby. Cameras everywhere. Call the show 72 Real-Life Virgins. You can almost taste the estrogen.

globaltourniquet, Nov 30 2007

Virgins or raisins? http://www.guardian...3605,631332,00.html
The bulk of the evidence pulls towards virgins, which rather leaves the status of women in the dark. [RayfordSteele, Dec 03 2007]


       Actually, I was just considering converting to Islam myself. Infidels, the lot of you...coming over here, naming our teddy bears.
zen_tom, Nov 30 2007

       I liked it until that last para. I'll give you a bun anyway.   

       I never understood the attraction of virgins. Aren't they just a bit rubbish at the process of not being a virgin? Which is the best bit anyway.
theleopard, Nov 30 2007

       I'd just like to say this is the funniest idea I've read in ages.   

       But I'd be lying. It's offensive crap.
Murdoch, Nov 30 2007

       And where exactly are you sourcing all these willing fresh virgins from? And how do I get there?
lostdog, Nov 30 2007

       If we presume that virgins are attractive for the sake of sexual intercourse, then this "heaven" isn't exactly everlasting. Eternity is a long time, apparently. Once you've done the rounds you're not going to have any virgins left. I mean, how long can that take?   

       What's offensive about this [Murdoch]?
theleopard, Nov 30 2007

       I read somewhere that the '72 virgins' thing was a fallacy. The original promise was a bunch of grapes, or something. Now all we need to do is convince the would-be martyrs that it's not worth dying for a bunch of grapes.
jtp, Nov 30 2007

       I'm not sure what effect locking someone up and giving them a bunch of grapes would have...
theleopard, Nov 30 2007

       The results can only be positive. Many years ago, an infamous sheep-worrier named Dominic Perignon was incarcerated in exactly these circumstances. He was left to rot, but when the gaolers went to check up on him a few weeks later, instead of finding a malnourished corpse, they found him alive and well, surrounded by 72 nubile young virgins. Each had a champagne flute in their hand.
jtp, Nov 30 2007

       //I read somewhere that the '72 virgins' thing was a fallacy. //
Yes, it is. There is only one virgin, and she's 72.

[EDIT] Where is the assumption that the virgins are female anyway?
AbsintheWithoutLeave, Nov 30 2007

       The 72 virgins thing is a fallacy - that doesn't stop the radical leaders from using it as a recruitment tool. Similar to the Hell thing in Christianity. It's a horrible fallacy as promoted by fundies today, but it sure buys TBN plenty of satellite time.
globaltourniquet, Nov 30 2007

       //I would not be surprised...to learn that international intelligence agencies have a pretty good idea about which young men...a high risk for becoming a suicide bomber//

I wouldn't be surprised to learn that, with the exception of a few cases, the intelligence agencies don't have the first idea about who is a high risk and, in my humble opinion, rounding people up on the off-chance and imprisoning them (no matter how humane the prison) is no way to preach liberty, freedom & justice for all.
DrBob, Nov 30 2007

       I agree. This idea would work without the terrorist angle.   

       In each episode, a family from some brand of religion is, for a week, placed in an environment that as closely as humanly possible approximates their particular brand's idea of heaven. Hilarity ensues as little Billy Bob unnerves his harp teacher, etc.
jutta, Nov 30 2007

       I'm trying to figure out whom this offends, per [Murdoch]. Perhaps it's not amusing, but offensive? Let me see.   

       Is it terrorists? If it offends terrorists who believe this way (and many of the suicide bombers really do), then good.   

       Muslims? I should hope not. I hope and believe that by and large Muslims are more offended by crackpots who misuse their obviously metaphorical scripture in the name of killing for God than they are of people who make fun of those a-holes.   

       Perhaps it's offensive to women? Again, wise women are well capable and allowed to (and do) use sarcasm against mysogyny as I have here. And make no mistake, the 72 virgin doctrine is mysogynist.   

       So who's left? Whom does this offend? I don't know.   

       P.S.. [DrBob] is largely right, of course, but those facts don't serve my ironic purpose here, so I reserve the right to eschew them.
globaltourniquet, Nov 30 2007

       Eeewww, somebody eschewed on this fact and then put it back, gross...
normzone, Nov 30 2007

       Half-baker kid #1: Want some ABE ideas?   

       Half-baker kid #2: Sure!   

       Half-baker kid #1: Ewww, "Already Been Eschewed"! Hah! Hah!
globaltourniquet, Nov 30 2007

       Yeah, the 72 virgins things is a translation error, the actual reward is 72 pure white raisins, and sadly that is a better reward for soe of these guys, you see they live in countries that allow multiple marriages, so in the words of Christopher Htichens, "the problem with these guys is not that they want virgins, it is that they ARE virgins." I'd suggest that they take that three months and have them meet available women and they wil have a reason to live. Though your way makes better TV.
MisterQED, Dec 01 2007

       You seem to forgotten the allotment of camels. Fuck the virgins, camels are what we came here for.
4whom, Dec 01 2007

       There is some kind of assumption that the virgins would be somehow compliant with the hairy terrorist. I think that's a fairly major mistake. I can easily see him not getting 'any' at all, and instead being nagged and pushed around so much that if he weren't already dead he'd die.
vincevincevince, Dec 01 2007

       //And where exactly are you sourcing all these willing fresh virgins from? And how do I get there? //   

       That's easy. Utah.   

       JC talked more about hell than he did about heaven, at least per what's been recorded, just FYI. Both have been so grossly distorted by popular culture that it begs the question as to what 'brand' of either is actually taught.
RayfordSteele, Dec 03 2007

       Most virgins are male. I'm just saying, probability wise, if there were 72 virgins in the afterlife, you've got serious competition for the 2 or 3 that are actually female. I would guess that most of the other ones, the unlucky ones if you will, would change sex like frogs do in order to cope.... hey, it's the afterlife and the laws of reality don't necessarily apply there like they do here.
quantum_flux, Dec 05 2007

       //I never understood the attraction of virgins.//   

       <You think I'm making this up, don't you?>
This is explained in section 2.2.1 ('The Conventional Male Game') of 'Sex Tips for Sad Bastards'.
pertinax, Dec 05 2007

       theleopard, I was being a sanctimonious arse.   

       You're not a real leopard, are you?
Murdoch, Dec 05 2007

       Not entirely. Kind of a halfbreed. Like Liono or Tigra.   

       So anyway, I bought this teddy bear the other day for £10 right? I named him Muhammed and then I sold him for £15, right?   

       Did I make a profit?
theleopard, Dec 07 2007

       He was a good bear, with good ethical teachings. Nothing more.
globaltourniquet, Dec 07 2007


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