Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Big Vinyl

  [vote for,

Vinyl is, of course, back in fashion due to its inconvenience, cost, fragility and the requirement for cumbersome immobile playback equipment. However, the records are typically 12", 10" or 7" in diameter, all of which sizes are reasonably manageable and generally lacking in inconvenience.

MaxCo. is therefore launching a range of vinyl re-releases in sizes large and inconvenient enough to satisfy the modern audiophile. The smallest records in this range are 32" singles, whilst the range extends through 72" EPs, 98" albums, and 142" double albums. Collections of the works of classical composers are also available - Bach's fugues on a 180" compact edition, and Wagner's ring cycle on a mighty 243" disc.

For the true afficionado, a dedicated gantry system is available that can safely remove your cherished records from their storage bay, flipping them and loading them onto the turntable whilst providing the necessary support. In addition, custom-made felt moccasins are provided should you wish to move your tone arm onto one of the inner tracks.

MaxwellBuchanan, Sep 24 2019


       If you have the gantry, why not have a winch system to lower you over the record in a harness ? Imagine the saving in moccasins ...   

       Interestingly, 3D printing technology is currently 2 to 3 orders of magnitude in resolution below that needed to create a fully playable vinyl record; but it's a developing technology. Listen to this space ...
8th of 7, Sep 24 2019

       //why not have a winch system to lower you over the record in a harness ?// Far too convenient. If you're going to take that kind of slack approach, you may as well buy a CD or download one of those MP things. If you're not willing to don mocassins and brave the Coriolis forces in order to find the track you're after, you're just not serious about music.
MaxwellBuchanan, Sep 24 2019

       Big 'anything' is good. I can also imagine a giant cassette player with tapes the size of wooden pallets. You may collect your croissant fragment.
xenzag, Sep 25 2019

       ... which you'll need a pallet truck to move ...
8th of 7, Sep 25 2019

       Can we interest you in our range of styli? Alas they are not legal for sale to persons under 18 years of age, and may not be carried in public.
MaxwellBuchanan, Sep 25 2019

       As one of my projects, I once wrote to "The Palace" and asked if I might borrow a single tiny precious stone from the crown jewels to use in a record player cartridge as the stylus in order to play the Sex Pistols track "God Save The Queen". They thanked me for my interest in all matters of royalty, but regretfully declined the opportunity. I remain very surprised.
xenzag, Sep 25 2019

       //borrow a single tiny precious stone from the crown jewels//   

       I suppose for this invention, Cullinan 1 would be more appropriate?
bs0u0155, Sep 25 2019

       This is a commendably massive idea, but the question of RPM has been left unanswered. A conventional vinyl record has a circumferential speed of about one mile per hour. For your Wagner disc, do you:   

       - slow down the RPM, spinning the record at a glacial 1.5 RPM to achieve a roughly standard surface speed; or   

       - commit to spinning the record at 33.3 RPM, and take the hit in practicality a 24 MPH surface speed would afford; or   

       - pretend it's shellac, and accept nothing less than the 56 MPH you'd get from running it at 78 RPM?
mitxela, Sep 25 2019

       The slow speed gives the greatest recording density without sacrificing quality, so that's the obvious choice.   

       With such a large radius, while the angular velocity is constant the linear velocity at the stylus will vary hugely between the outermost and innermost tracks.
8th of 7, Sep 25 2019

       [8th] - I think you need to purchase our new extremely high-end (and, coincidentally, expensive) variable-speed turntable which varies the rotational speed of these large discs to maintain a constant linear speed of the vinyl under the stylus. Of course, records will need to be mastered and recorded with this new technical standard in mind which, regrettably, will also make them more expensive.

(Funnily enough, there actually is a real reason why audio nerds might go for larger discs. With cheap pressings you get a small amount of cross-talk between grooves, particularly when the volume of the recorded sound is high. I can sometimes hear this on my turntable - particularly in the silence before a track starts, I can sometimes hear a weird 'pre-echo' of the start of the track from the adjacent groove to the one playing (yes, I know each side of a record only has one groove, but you know what I mean). If the record was larger, with clear space between the grooves (again, you know what I mean...) then this issue would be cured).
hippo, Sep 26 2019

       <Hungarian customer in tobacconist's shop>   

       "I will not buy this record, it is scratched".   

8th of 7, Sep 26 2019


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