Classy Eatery

This is a restaurant with two levels. The lower level contains rows of pine tables, easily carveable, with modest fireplaces at either end. On each fireplace is roasted ducks, and geese, and striped waterfowl.

The upper level is on a balcony above; a massive stone fireplace roasts any beast from boars up to a large milch cows.

On the lower level, consumption carnage ensues. Everyone is issued stainless steel mugs, filled with cheap beer and even cheaper wine. Food is served by bulky and muscular serving wenches, ugly enough to stave off pinching, but strong enough to hold up to six liter mugs per hand. The choice of food is limited to roasted ham hocks, lamb liver, beef, flank steak, and free-range veal, and as much potatoes (in any variety) and whole grain bread as you can eat. For drinks, cheap, warm ale, such as anything Fullers makes, and cheap continental lager, such as Stella Artois. Digging into the tables with knives is encouraged, as is throwing bones to the roaming dogs (not seen during inspection days). The floor is covered with rushes, to soak up the vomit and beer. Closing time is around 11am, when the last drunken fool is slapped awake and pushed out the door.

The upper level, however, enjoys a different approach. Only the finest cuts of beef arrive at the tables, decorated with flagons of delicate white and red wines, imported direct from California. Fine cheeses, as crafted in Wisconsin, the Netherlands, (and ironically for the British) England, adorn the tables. Harder alcohol, also, is provided, for those who enjoy a shot of scotch, raki or bourbon (but not too much, as while tossing a dinner plate of garlic-encrusted squabs down on the seething underclass may be enjoyable, it is also throwing silver at swine). The settings are laid with fine silver cutlery, and dessert uses only the freshest cranberries, kumara, and key limes.

Likewise, the upperclass enjoys a string quartet, which plays magical symphonies, protected from the lower floors by carefully laid soundproofing, to empowering their listeners with carefully wrought emotional highs, whist the delicate diners gossip and slander and gently slip hands up each other's skirts. The night ends with the gentlefolk carried into velvet-lined carriages, filled with pillows, and carted away home.

The combination of the underclass roiling below the sophisticated decadent upper class, would then double the classiness of this eatery of eateries.