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Coffman starter retrofit

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Most cars these days start with the press of a button or, in some cases, the turn of a key. Such is the reliability of modern engines that they simply go whirrrr-brrrr and are running smoothly. How incredibly dull.

MaxCoMotion (a metastasis of our Domestic Appliance and Wildebeest department) is incredibly pleased to announce the launch of its range of retrofittable Coffman starters for virtually all popular vehicles, from Jaguars all the way down to Lamborghinis.

Installation requires a little reconfiguration of the engine, and the installation of the breech-block on top of the bonnet. The firing mechanism can be wired to your existing push-button or key start but, for enhanced appearance, can be installed as a three-position caged "SAFE-ARM-START" toggle switch on your dashboard. Cartridges are widely available, but note that it is very important only to use blanks, in order to extend engine life.

Should the first charge fail to get things running, a second will usually suffice. However, fans of the original "Flight of the Phoenix" may prefer to use one charge to clean out the cylinders, creating a satisfying burst of smoke from the exhaust as well as the loud noise. If you can find a small blond German man to run at you yelling "No!" as you do this, so much the better.

MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 26 2019


       Will there be a version for lawnmowers ?
8th of 7, Apr 26 2019

       I've always had aversion for lawnmowers. That's why I have gardeners.
MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 26 2019

       // That's why I have gardeners //   

       Are those the same ones who buy all those crates marked "LIVE MOLES - WITH CARE" ?
8th of 7, Apr 27 2019

       No, the moles are for the Drainpipe Polishing (Internal) sub- team. They work really well (the moles, that is), as long as you can get the breech-block attached securely to the end of the drainpipe, and don't overdo the charge. The only real difficulty is in finding 4 1/4" moles.
MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 27 2019

       We understand that the best techniques is to bundle three or four of them together using a zip-tie, which also acts as a scraper.
8th of 7, Apr 27 2019

       No, a single mole works better, as long as you can find one the right size. For larger pipes and drains, of course, we use ShitZus.
MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 27 2019

       Using Shitzus for anything other than sewerage pipes seems a bit ostentatious. For ordinary drainpipes use plumbing snakes like the rest of us.
AusCan531, Apr 28 2019


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