h a l f b a k e r yExpensive, difficult, slightly dangerous, not particularly effective... I'm on a roll.
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Get a surgeon to install a special Y-shaped valve at the place where the esophagus connects to the stomach. One input (base of Y) leads to a choice of two possible outputs (prongs of Y). One output connects to the stomach and one output connects to the large intestine (some extra tubing is probably
needed for that).
When the valve is in the "normal" position (it should be operated by under-the-skin push-buttons), food flows in the usual way into the stomach. When the valve is switched (that's the DIY part) to the other position, the stomach and small intestine are bypassed. Since those parts of the digestive tract are the parts where most absorption of food into the body occurs, it follows that when the switch is in that bypass setting, you will be severely limiting your body's dietary intake.
But NOT your food intake! Eat all you want! If you are overweight, it is probably at least partly due to simply liking to eat. You can continue to enjoy that(!), with the main side-effect being a need to run to the restroom a little more often. In fact, if you can leave the switch in the bypass position for three or four days, during which you will FEEL like you are starving and can eat like a glutton, your body will actually go into "fasting" mode, and you will then lose most of the hunger pangs (if not the habit) to eat.
Yes, during those few days you probably need to switch back to normal mode now and then, and drink water and swallow vitamin pills to obtain necessary nutrition, but mostly you keep the switch in bypass mode. Fasting is known to be a major way to lose lots of weight in a pretty short time, IF you can get past those first few days. Which is what this Idea lets you do.
DIY Trepanation
http://news.bbc.co....i/health/651892.stm
This is why I don't recommend you do the surgery yourself. You just control the result. [Vernon, Dec 24 2004]
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Uhm, not to be indelicate, but would you really want largely undigested foods passing through certain parts of your anatomy? Wait...don't answer that. Please. |
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I don't understand. Food is routed directly from your throat down to your colon? So you go to the toilet and "output" actual recognizable pieces of lettuce and chicken? Sounds disgusting, plus I don't want sharp shards of potentially unchewed food traveling through my large intestine. |
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P.S. see "Esophageal Off-Ramp" above for another solution |
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[half] and [phundug], it is my understanding that one of the factors contributing to colon cancer is insufficient "roughage" passing through. This should fix that! |
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I say that this idea is weird. |
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[vernon] I could be wrong but I
think the food moves rather slowly
through the intestine, which
means that you would not be able
to just eat all you want, because
there would be no place to put all
the excess food. You would have
to install a Bag of Holding between
your extra tubing and the
intestine, but then who knows
what you will be pooping out of
that thing, I for one would hate to
have to try and pass the +5
Broadsword of Ogre Slaying that
someone stowed in that bag
before you got it. |
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[JakePatterson], I'm not so sure you are correct about that. The phenomenon that transports matter down the esophagus, through the small intestine, and through the large intestine, is called, I believe, "peristaltis". For the large intestine (about 3 meters long), peristaltis should move matter down its length about as fast as it arrives from the esophagus. (If I'm wrong, of course, somebody will be sure to post something about it!) The problem then becomes that of ensuring that that extra tubing I mentioned, connecting the valve to the large intestine, doesn't "block up". No peristaltis in inanimate tubing, of course! (But if it was made of Teflon, it might simply be slippery enough!) |
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// No peristaltis in inanimate tubing// |
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However, you can purchase a heart splitter (available at any medical supply store) - this diverts some of the energy from your heart into another direction, and could be used to power a wriggling tube. (CAUTION: Never plug more than 3 electric appliances into your heart at the same time) |
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There is a major difference in speed between the rate at which you add food to the stomach when eating and the process further 'downstream' in the colon. You'd need to add some sort of 'header tank' in the system, as have an over-full colon is not pleasant and could even prove fatal in some instances. |
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...as opposed to all the other things
about this idea which could prove
fatal... |
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I'm still trying to discern the DIY part of this. |
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Everyone already has one of these. They're called intestinal parasites. You can grow them into big personal pets to share your food with. |
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