Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Gastrointestinal Tract Removal

It's obsolete. Replace it.
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Our digestive system is a constant source of concern. There are countless annoyances, like flatulance, cancers, nausea, obesity, diarrhea: it just goes on and on. It's awkward to say the least and at the same time its function is simple compared to stainlessly clean modern food and drug manufacturing techniques.

I propose removal of the entire gastrointestinal tract, from aesophagus to rectum. It's all a messy deal anyway, so get rid of it.. it can be recycled as haggis (for folks who haven't had the procedure done yet). Get rid of the gall bladder and the liver too. The instant weight savings will be tremendous.

In its place comes a rubber bladder that is placed in the abdominal cavity. A rubber bladder with a control system.

The bladder has a fill valve that is fitted near the navel. Periodically, the bladder has to be filled with something like ringer fluid. It's a lot of water, with a tiny bit of glucose, vitamins, minerals and amino acids, as well as any medication the user might need. The control system inside the abdominal cavity slowly drips the fluid into the blood stream.

By controlling the nutrient flow through technology:
- bad eating habits will be eliminated.
- no more obesity
- risk of food poisoning is eliminated
- no more belching
- no more farting
- no more constipation.
- no more diarrhea
- no more nausea
- no more appendicitis
- no intestinal cancers
- no need for food shopping
- increased market for spittoons (we won't be able to swallow our spit)

PS: the kidneys and urinary tract are left alone.

jmvw, Feb 08 2012

Ossia: Esophageal_20Off-Ramp
[phundug, Feb 08 2012]

Ndabaningi Sithole http://en.wikipedia.../Ndabaningi_Sithole
For those unfamiliar with the history of the former colonies. [DrBob, Feb 10 2012]

[link]






       No more foie gras, no more cheese-n-onion crisps, no more slow-roast pork belly, no more buttered popcorn, no more calvados, and no more trying to say "ndabaningi sithole" in a single continuous burp.   

       You will, of course, be unable to make use of a croissant, but I trust you will reflect wisely on this fishbone.
MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 08 2012
  

       Eating haggis is not a "procedure" that is "done" to one.
pocmloc, Feb 08 2012
  

       Oh, and you might want to hang onto the liver - it does lots of other things that make life more enjoyable and, indeed, possible.
MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 08 2012
  

       If he keeps the liver, but gets rid of the intestine, what is he going to do with the bile?
mouseposture, Feb 09 2012
  

       Duct tape it?   

       Store the bile in another artificial bladder; when attacked, spray the bile in the attacker's face, then run away at astonishing speed, thus earning the title of 'gutless wonder'.
spidermother, Feb 09 2012
  

       No more Blue Bell (tm) homemade vanilla ice cream, no more cheesecake, no more fudge revel bars, no more fried okra, no more chocolate pie, no more Lindt (tm) 70% cocoa chocolate bars, NO MORE CHOCOLATE AT ALL, PERIOD, no more egg custard pie, no more homemade banana pudding, no more...   

       The more I think about this, the more I want to slam someone against the wall. Bone.
Psalm_97, Feb 09 2012
  

       Sorry, but without the entire cacophony of metabolic mayhem emanating from the dubious bowels of bad actors spanning the ages, an entire class of gross-out B-rate movies would have died on the cutting room floor; deemed so intolerably and colossally boring without burp, fart, and poop jokes that even the directors of said masterpieces would doze off watching them.   

       On second thought, carry on. [ ]
Grogster, Feb 09 2012
  

       //an entire class of gross-out B-rate movies would have died on the cutting room floor//   

       Ooooh, never thought of that. Good point. Almost, *almost* worth giving up ever eating chocolate again.   

       But I don't watch those movies, so... Pass the five star chocolate bar please.
Psalm_97, Feb 09 2012
  

       Livers do exactly what the name suggests. Many animals, us included, are basically those organs with a few other specialised members to support them.
nineteenthly, Feb 09 2012
  

       OK, no delivering. We'll keep your precious liver. I knew this idea might need minor tweaking..
jmvw, Feb 09 2012
  

       //If he keeps the liver, but gets rid of the intestine, what is he going to do with the bile?//   

       Let's see if we can connect the bile duct to the urinary tract (upstream of the urinary bladder) without causing problems.
jmvw, Feb 09 2012
  

       Methinks not. Interesting to contemplate the exact problems. Calculi would almost certainly be involved.
nineteenthly, Feb 09 2012
  

       //Calculi would almost certainly be involved.//   

       Why almost certainly? High cholesterol can cause gallstones, but we would have low cholesterol. Kidney stones can be caused by high calcium intake, but we would not have excessive calcium intake.
jmvw, Feb 09 2012
  

       Digestion is an intrinsic component of the metabolic process. Without it, we would have to come up with a number of artificial methods for stimulating the production and release of vital enzymes. It's not as simple as just replacing the squishy bits with something that makes nutrient intake more convenient.
Alterother, Feb 09 2012
  

       I'm not exactly certain how you plan on integrating components that would break down as well as be rejected in with the human body...
RayfordSteele, Feb 09 2012
  

       [jmvw] //Let's see if we can connect the bile duct to the urinary tract (upstream of the urinary bladder) without causing problems.// Good idea. You go first.
mouseposture, Feb 10 2012
  

       We might be able to find volunteers for the bile duct bypass operation. Bile duct bypass will be like permanent orlistat/Xenical.   

       Obvious requirements: - the surgery is done in a safe manner. - surgery can be reversed at first sign of stones or inflammation - Apolar vitamins are either taken in large enough doses or administered intravenously.   

       Has this never been done before?
jmvw, Feb 10 2012
  

       Calculi are caused by a number of things and can be made of various substances, not just calcium salts or cholesterol. One cause is stasis and another an interruption of laminar flow, say by a kink in a tube. I'm wondering how you'd link the urethra and the bile duct. To be honest, i'm also wondering why to the whole idea, but that shouldn't stop you.
nineteenthly, Feb 10 2012
  
      
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