Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Email Your Sperm

Online sex leads to online pregnancy
(+1, -1)
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Most of the technology for this already exists, but the price is still in the "Manhattan Project" range. Still, it is conceivable (nyuk nyuk) that this will become affordable sometime in the future.

First, if you're the man, you must get your genome sequenced, and save a haploid subset of that on your computer hard drive. Then, send it as an email attachment to your sweetie, wherever she lives on any other continent or planet.

She has mail! She downloads it and feeds it to a DNA synthesizer (these really exist) which rebuilds it as real molecules. She injects the synthetic DNA into the head of a sterile sperm* and fertilizes one of her own eggs in vitro. Voila, after a few tries she has a test tube baby that looks like you! Or like an MS Outlook virus. But never mind, it's the love that makes it yours.

*Sperm is sometimes called "DNA with a tail", so it's a pretty minimalistic cell and a sterile "trojan horse" may not even be necessary.

jcatkeson, Jan 22 2004


       With around 3 billion base pairs in a human's genome (4 possibilities per pair), transmission would be just about feasible. But would the Catholic Church approve?
kropotkin, Jan 22 2004

       Sounds like your computer might get sticky.
python, Jan 22 2004

       //With around 3 billion base pairs// - Just before I left the University the price for sequencing there was US$0.095/base pair. I am sure it got cheaper by now, let's say 0.01/base pair.   

       Supposedly only 1% of DNA is important and variable. The rest is junk or the same for all humans so it doesn't need transmission and can be inserted as standard building block.   

       Still the price of the synthesis is $3E6. Shipping the real thing will still be cheaper, but as an halfbaked idea it should work.
kbecker, Jan 22 2004

       I never thought to email my sperm before. I assumed they had friends of their own.
Worldgineer, Jan 22 2004

       TO DO:   

       Call mom   

       Email sperm
sidi, Jan 22 2004

       I wouldn't recommend that - there's a much higher chance of medical problems when you mix lossy compression with incest.
Worldgineer, Jan 22 2004

       //lossy compression// so, no MP3 sperm banks?
kbecker, Jan 22 2004

       jpeg sperm? The child is slightly blocky when viewed up close, but from a distance he looks fine. Gif kids, however, go through life looking like a grown-up version of their ultrasound scan.
lostdog, Jan 22 2004

       First child born of .png sperm: Adam7.
swamilad, Jan 22 2004

       It would be easier to just send the real thing in the post, but since when has simplicity been a criterion for halfbakery ideas?
hazel, Jan 23 2004

You’ve got sperm.

       "You never call. You never come to her birthday parties. I don't think you even care about your e-child's feelings!"   

       I have to admit, this made me laugh. I still give this the spermish fishbone it truly deserves. Let Japan have it.
k_sra, Jan 23 2004

PeterSilly, Jan 23 2004

       Societal effects:   

       In the future mass unsolicited fertilization will be called "spermming" and global bukkake will be criminalized.
jcatkeson, Jan 23 2004

       To: Sperm
From: k_sra
Subject: BBQ next Friday

       Hey, Sperm!
S'appening? Gonna kick it this weekend with the guys. We might play a little handball.
Come if you can.
k_sra, Jan 23 2004

       Hey [k-sra], i'm sorry i cant come to the bbq next friday, i'm goin out with my eggs-girlfriend. maybe i can come over some udder time.
sperm, Jan 23 2004

       Wouldn't broadband be a bad thing in such situations... after such transactions you never like to be told how quick it was...
Ossalisc, Jan 23 2004

       //after such transactions you never like to be told how quick it was//   

       maybe this will turn the tables and people will love to be the fastest......hmmmmmm, maybe not.
babyhawk, Jan 23 2004

       k_, let us know if sperm shows up.
waugsqueke, Jan 23 2004

       Only under UV.   

       [waugs], he says he's busy. Sorry to dissapoint. I hope you'll still come.
k_sra, Jan 23 2004

       You never know. He may find a way out of it.
waugsqueke, Jan 23 2004

       He obviously has no deferens to you, [k_sra]. He might about-face, though.   

       [Fighting temptation to post link to Sexy Losers #30...]
Detly, Jan 23 2004

       Then an email virus hits and all children born later that year end up looking like the same spotty teenager that wrote the worm.
FloridaManatee, Jun 03 2004

       Would the delivery receipt refer to the arrival of the sperm or of the resultant child/mutant?
dobtabulous, Jun 03 2004

       Poor hapless haploid.
phundug, Jun 03 2004

       Well, here we are in 2019, and I had my full genome sequenced for fun. Cost me about $500 (thanks, BGI). So, if any lucky ladies out there want their inbox filled...
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 23 2019

       //Well, here we are in 2019, and I had my full genome sequenced for fun. Cost me about $500 (thanks, BGI).//   

       I'm guessing that only works because human genomes are so similar, and they don't worry too much about the squiggly repetitive bits.
What sort of quality are you looking at, Max? I doubt you got 46 chromosome-length hugh-quality contigs.
... it would be interesting to send them some other primate DNA and see what they made of it.
Loris, Jul 24 2019

       I got about 10x coverage in short reads, meaning that the average contig is only a few kb. However, it's more than adequate to score most SNPs, any major deletions and (probably) any very large duplications.   

       So far I've only looked at a few interesting SNPs (and mtDNA) because my software is clunky. So far, all I can say is that I'm low risk for Alzheimer's and (probably) stroke, and am definitely a eukaryote. Will sit down and trawl all the SNPs sooner or later if I can get my head around the software.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 24 2019


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