Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Quis custodiet the custard?

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Evil Toaster

Ready, Aim, Toast
  (+11, -4)
(+11, -4)
  [vote for,

Angry looking, evil toaster fires scalding hot charred bread (evil toast) at its hungry victims. The springs in said toaster store a few Lbs of stored energy, enough to launch the toast at lethal velocity. As for the toaster, nothing fancy, no fancy case to surround the heating coils. No, these are open in the air and the cord is made of old fashion cloth wire with a pre-chiped bakelite plug end.

Plug in and use at everyones risk.

evilpenguin, Jun 26 2008

The Steelcraft "Coathanger" Toaster http://www.jitterbuzz.com/indtoa.html
(scroll down a bit to find it)...evil enough for you Mr Penguin? [zen_tom, Jun 26 2008]

(?) Isee your Evil Toaster and raise you a battle toaster. http://www.mirach.p...ttle-toaster-mk-iv/
I think I'll bookmark this one for future reference. [2 fries shy of a happy meal, Jun 28 2008]


       can the toaster burn a little frowny face on every piece of toast? oh joy.
sninctown, Jun 26 2008

       ...It's feet are uneven, so it's wobbly. And if you stop it before the toast pops up, you have to use a utensile to get the bread out...   

       [edit: utensile? Apparently it affects brain function as well]
phoenix, Jun 26 2008

       And it's got a reserve energy source so it can electrocute you even when it's unplugged. But the source can not be used to actually toast things. Only to hurt people.
daseva, Jun 26 2008

       ...and when nobody is looking, black blood oozes from some hidden reservoir, down the chrome and onto the table.   

       Each morning, one of the students in the house will awake to find that they have matching blood somewhere on their bodies (nobody ever suspects the toaster)   

       Later that day, the embloodened student will surely die, quite horribly, of perhaps wire burns to the face, or of an unlikely cord entanglement scenario, or by apparently trying to make toast in the bath. (Nobody will suspect the toaster, ever)   

       The students will of course fret about all this, and some of them will probably have quite attractive sex (while the toaster looks on, unseen) or just accuse/get paranoid/smoke dope with one another.   

       At this bouyant display of joyous youth, the toaster will display nothing of its pure, merciless hatred and contempt, instead it will continue to make toast on request, occasionally singing the curly haired student's fingers.   

       When all the students have died, and the house burned to the ground (only the toaster surviving, sitting gleaming atop the charred remains of the house that used to be so full of life) The toaster will be scavenged by a wizened old man (who's seen too much) and left to sit waiting in an old curiosity toaster shop. Where it remains, almost patiently, before eventually being repurchased by a lovely single Mum and her innocent young daughter...
zen_tom, Jun 26 2008

       zen_tom, you need to get out more.   

       And stop watching slasher movies.   

       I was going to suggest this toaster should be activated by an evil laugh, but that would only confuse the hand dryer. How about having it play some eerie, ominous background music that comes to a startling crescendo while it toasts?
Canuck, Jun 26 2008

       zen, great anno and cool link. Thats what I envisioned (that picture in your link)when I thought of this, but with sharp edges and super-strong springs
evilpenguin, Jun 26 2008

       ...everyone looks evil, less attractive and 10 years older when reflected in the toaster's shiny chrome surface...
hippo, Jun 27 2008

       //occasionally singing the curly haired student's fingers//
I don't believe I know that tune - could you hum it for me?
coprocephalous, Jun 27 2008

       ////occasionally singing the curly haired student's fingers// I don't believe I know that tune - could you hum it for me?//   

       Well I could, but rather google: Elvis and the shitheads, I presume you are familiar with at least half of their discography.
4whom, Jun 27 2008

       Sorry, all I could think of was the toaster from Red Dwarf.   

       But I guess I'll add that it needs at least basic legs so that when you are not looking it can tilt and fire the burning toast at you as you distractedly slip your morning coffee.   

       PS I hate to get technical here, but will any spring working over only a 5" stroke accelerate a piece of toast to lethal velocity? You'd at least need to use pumpernickel or some other more structural bread. I think you'd need compressed air or something and fire it like a spitball. This also adds the ability to blow more on one side and give it a stabilizing spin for better accuracy or bank shots.
MisterQED, Jun 27 2008

       Needs an additional device to butter the bread before it flies across the room +
xenzag, Jun 27 2008

       blood butter, that is.
daseva, Jun 27 2008

FlyingToaster, Jun 27 2008

       How can this get so so many buns? It's unsafe and er, evil. That's bad, Shirley?
Bad Jim, Jun 28 2008

       so true [Bad/Good Jim]. I don't like evil ideas that hurt people. (Some evil ideas are funny and can make people mad or whatever, but not *aim to hurt or injure*.)
xandram, Jun 29 2008

       Good point. I like a much more superficial evil, which this thing could carry on with after a few minor adjustments.
daseva, Jun 29 2008

       pre-chipping the bakelite plug is an awesome detail.
ServoMan314, Jun 30 2008

       Note to self.... I like toast [+]
xxobot, Jul 01 2008

       [link] Battle toaster would kick its ass.   

       // The toaster will be scavenged by a wizened old man (who's seen too much) //   

       An old wizened man, with his arm caught in a loom.
theleopard, Jul 01 2008


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