Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
h a l f b a k e r y
A riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a rich, flaky crust

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Fictional Halfbakery

  (+5, -2)
(+5, -2)
  [vote for,

The soft rain tapped lightly at the glass as Rachel sighed and fell into her chair behind her desk. It was obvious Reg was late again, and no doubt this time his excuse would be the weather. She knew she'd do as she'd always done--feign enough anger to trigger that guilty look of his--only this time she wasn't certain she'd be feigning it.

Well, I'll just kill some time on the net, she thought. She had been turned on to a new site last week in an email from Glen--the Halfbakery, it was called--and decided she'd visit there and pop in an idea that she'd been playing with. She typed in the URL and watched the white screen come up in all its exquisite simplicity.

Hmm, I need to log in, I guess, she realized, and thought about what she should have as her username. She wanted it to be something that Glen wouldn't recognize, if he was still reading this site; it was bad enough that he was still emailing her all the time, and she preferred the anonymity online, even if Glen wasn't around. She typed "Larkspur" at the user prompt and continued to log in. Some kind of tree, was it? Or a plant maybe... she didn't know. She liked the word and that was good enough.

She then went on to the "new" function and begin thinking about how to word her idea. It seems clear in my head, but I hope I can make it clear enough to this lot, she thought. The crowd here could be pretty rough, she'd noticed in the short time she'd been visiting. Most were fairly nice, but there was one fellow (or at least she thought he was a fellow) who went by the name of "Lovelungs" who seemed able to find fault with even the most logical and sensible ideas on the site. No doubt he'll clobber me, she thought, and decided it didn't matter, really. After all, his best idea was "Flavoured Flute". Maybe that's Glen, she thought, and let out a small laugh.

"Well, here goes," she said aloud, and began typing her idea. "Bushido newspaper carriers" was her title. I hope they get that, she thought to herself. "Samuri Paper delivery," she continued in the summary box.

Shit, did I spell that right? she wondered to herself. S-a-m-u-r-i-a maybe? No, that doesn't look right, either. Oh well, if it's wrong, I'm sure that Toreadorothy person will let me know soon enough.

Then she went on to describe her idea. "A Way of the Paperperson, with a bit of martial art added. Bushido paperpersons will perform elaborate delivery kata when placing the paper, and will have special techniques for rolling and throwing the paper, passed down through generations." This is really starting to sound lame, she thought, but she kept writing. "They will also have the concept of seppuku, the act of self-sacrifice which must be done if one has brought dishonour to the Bushido, perhaps by being late with a delivery, or leaving it in the garden plot."

She read over the idea, and was pleased with how it came out. I'll have to show it to Reg, if he ever gets here, she thought. There wasn't any hurry, really... the library was open nights now. And it seemed to have stopped raining for the time being. But still, she was starting to get a little tired of this silly game. Why is it so hard to be on time? It didn't make a whole lot of sense to her, but she decided it was better left unthought about for now.

She started to scroll through the categories, wondering which one this idea would best fit. Culture: Dance looked good for a second, but she thought better of it. She finally settled on business: delivery; it was the best there was at the moment.

She moved the mouse cursor to the "OK" button and clicked. Here goes nothin', she thought, and smiled to herself as her idea came up on the screen with that lovely big bold lettering at the top. Then she moved the mouse to the vote "for" link and clicked it in a very self-satisfying way. "I don't care what anyone else thinks," she said aloud, "I like it!"

waugsqueke, Jan 24 2004

Bushido newspaper carriers http://www.halfbake...ewspaper_20carriers
Not long after my original posting, this mysteriously showed up. She seems to have done quite well with it. [waugsqueke, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 05 2004]

Tottenham Larkspur http://www.spurs.co.uk/INDEX.ASP
...and then a crap football team. [DrBob, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]

Even had a town named after her http://www.ci.larkspur.ca.us/
[Klaatu, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]


       What can I say. It's simply brilliant+
theircompetitor, Jan 24 2004

       I like it, too.
Kitchensink, Jan 24 2004

       Reg is *Lovelungs*
po, Jan 24 2004

       DrCurry was going to say, "Didn't we do this one before?" Then he scrolled to the end and saw that they had. He still couldn't be bothered to figure out what the idea was actually about.
DrCurry, Jan 24 2004

       Hm, thinks DrCurry - perhaps UnaBubba can explain it to him.
DrCurry, Jan 24 2004

       DrCurry wondered if someone would explain what it was that UnaBubba was on about.
DrCurry, Jan 24 2004

       Mikey likes it.
Dylan, Jan 24 2004

       And thus was revealed the Grand Secret. There is no halfbakery or halfbakers. All is fiction.   

       [half] sits alone chuckling at his folly. Only moments earlier he had been contemplating his next year of life that would commence in a few short hours. Almost relieved to find that he never really existed and is just a product of [waugsqueke]'s mind, "At least now I know the source of all of these weird ideas that pop in to my head seemingly from nowhere...", he was imagined to say to himself in a fading voice.
half, Jan 25 2004

       This reminds me of the time when I wanted to get a tattoo of Herve Villechaize.
Size_Mick, Jan 25 2004

       // Almost relieved to find that he never really existed and is just a product of [waugsqueke]'s mind, //   

       Ah, but half, you do exist, just as Larkspur does (see link).
waugsqueke, Jan 25 2004

       That's what you think, thought DrCurry.
DrCurry, Jan 25 2004

       Listen, you multiple personnalities of mine: if you quarrel again about who's real and who's not, I take you all back to the shrink.
sidi, Jan 25 2004

       And yet, [half] remains skeptical, having never met another halfbaker. "I still say we're all figments, including Larkspur."
half, Jan 25 2004

       well, I certainly am.
hippo, Jan 25 2004

       "And why is that the only halfbakers from my area *used* to live here?" he thought absently.
half, Jan 25 2004

       Slightly miffed, he thought to himself, "no reposting? But, then why didn't they like my showerhead flextension? It wasn't for me, it was for them. Hmm."   

       He then said aloud to an empty room, "Tattoo, you got some kinda lips on you for a midget."   

       I... am... Bushido.
Kitchensink, Jan 25 2004

       Ooh, self-referencing halfbakery. Indulgent. Like a warm, mink coat. Snuggle in... +   

       "If only," she thought, "we could get [UnaBubba] and [DrCurry] into the same room, they might implode and become the same person." She bit her nail. "Would that be a good thing?"
k_sra, Jan 26 2004

       The mighty [dijontoothpaste] swung his massive, shaggy head around, training one cold, stupid eye on the gaggle of intrepid half-bakers crouched near the meadow's edge. For a moment he ceased tearing at the scrawny, snowcovered shoots which were his main winter diet, and stood absolutely stock still, as the last clouds of his breath drifted away to the east. Finally, satisfied the half-bakers could not harm him, he exhaled in a billow of steam, and resumed his slow, deliberate chewing. "Why do they have to have meat flakes?" he thought.
dijontoothpaste, Jan 26 2004

       [No one] wonders why [bliss] is talking to him in particular, then goes off and cares about [Worldgineer]'s halfbaked ideas.
Worldgineer, Jan 26 2004

       OH, BOY! The Half-Bakery ANTHOLOGY!!! (I'd buy it. It would hold a place of honor oon my coffee table.)
spacecadet, Jan 26 2004

       What are you doing here [spacecadet]!? We're supposed to be working on gravity.   

       [Worldgin] we could use your help, too. (and your surgically delivered humor)
Kitchensink, Jan 26 2004

       Oh, go work on gravity _by yourself_ {Kitchensink}, this is "Fictional Halfbakery," NOT "Gravity May Be Electric Force," or whatever it's called.
spacecadet, Jan 26 2004

       In a dark corner sat an indistinct figure, smoking, drinking brandy and watching the proceedings with dry amusement but little real interest.

"Need more alcohol," he thought and padded off to retrieve the bottle from the living room where he'd left it. Nobody had noticed his presence and so his absence was received in a similar vein.

After only a few seconds he had returned with the bottle. He poured himself another stiff drink, lit up a new ciggy, hit 'refresh' and waited for something to happen.
DrBob, Jan 27 2004

       "tick, tock, tick, tock"
k_sra, Jan 27 2004


Kitchensink, Jan 27 2004

       Ah, yes...this works fine.
Tiger Lily, Jan 27 2004

       [Sew Crates] copies his annotation, then opening a Microsoft Word program pastes and spell checks it.
Almost instantly [Ok] appears near the bottom of the page. Dang, he thinks, this site may actually be improving my spelling subliminally.

       He looks over what he has written and then, a tad wistfully hits the back button, his anno un-sent.   

       This is Great ++
Zimmy, Jul 24 2005

       I think that's multiplication.
bristolz, Jul 26 2005

       {( ' "No doubt half thought," thought [half]' ,"should self-referentialiy expand beyond the (s)elf," ' ) it becomes necessary to think half-thought thoughts. ^1}   

       ^1 ibid.
csea, Jul 26 2005


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