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Heaven: a travel guide

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A recent discussion here brought to my mind the fact that although many people hope and expect to go to heaven, post mortem, nobody seems to have provided any of the basic information you'd want when visiting or moving to another place.

For example: do you need cash, or do cards work there? What's the mains voltage and frequency, and what kind of sockets do they have? What days do they collect trash, and do they recycle? Are cigarettes and alcohol reasonably priced, or should you stock up on duty free whilst outbound?

And, if you're going to be staying there permanently, do you need health insurance? Is property free, available to purchase, or rentable? Do they drive on the left or right? Is there on-street parking? Are supermarkets open in the evenings? Are there any early-closing days? The list just goes on and on. And on and on.

MaxGo. (a wholly-owned subsidiary of MaxCo., except for tax purposes) is planning to address this long-felt need by creating an informative guidebook (tentatively titled "Heaven - can park") that addresses the nuts and bolts of making yourself at home in your celestial destination, whether as a visitor or an eternal resident.

We have already written to several leaders from each of the major faiths, seeking clarification on everything from local transport to divine medical services. We continue to await their replies. This book fills a much- needed gap in the travel market, and we expect it to be on the shelves in time for a Christmas.

MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 12 2019

An accurate guide to Hell https://www.az.co.u...z-street-atlas.html
There's no escape ... [8th of 7, Apr 16 2019]


       Don't be concerned about your vehicle. Apparently they've paved Paradise, and put up a parking lot...   

       Will you be publishing the "Dead Rough Guide to Hell" as a companion volume ?   

       Don't forget to include information on cellular phone and data coverage, particularly roaming charges.
8th of 7, Apr 12 2019

       //do you need cash, or do cards work there?//   


       //What's the mains voltage and frequency, and what kind of sockets do they have?//   

       Take your pick.   

       //What days do they collect trash, and do they recycle?//   

       Days? psh...   

       //Are cigarettes and alcohol reasonably priced, or should you stock up on duty free whilst outbound?//   

       Prices? Double psh...   

       //if you're going to be staying there permanently//   

       There is no temporary.   

       //do you need health insurance?//   

       Of course not. You're dead.   

       //Is property free, available to purchase, or rentable?//   

       Property is infinite and subject only to your imagination.   

       //Do they drive on the left or right? Is there on-street parking?//   

       Yes, and yes.   

       ''Are supermarkets open in the evenings?//   


       //Are there any early-closing days?//   


       If the journey continues, gotta cross the nothing gap on your own, to avoid being just another travel client.   

       Doesn't The god, help those who help themselves? Any guide, I imagine, will be on the label of one's own Klein bottle of life.
wjt, Apr 13 2019

       Are there translator services? My King James English isn’t much better than my Greek or Aramaic.
RayfordSteele, Apr 13 2019

       //Are there translator services?// Exactly! You can't even find out what language you need until you get there and, without knowing whether you can download books, your only option is to pack an unfeasibly large number of phrasebooks. Obviously, one would assume it's English, but there's no guarantee. It's unbelievable that the place is run the way it is - it's worse than the old Soviet Union.
MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 13 2019

       If course it's English. Everyone knows that God is English. Church of England, see ?   

       Obviously in ancient times he had to talk to the natives in their funny foreign jabber because it's all they understood, but he's nothing if not progressive and gave the world the KJV (The book, not the battleship).
8th of 7, Apr 13 2019

       I believe there is a series on Netflix that addresses all of this. I started watching but couldn't get into it. The Good Life, maybe?
blissmiss, Apr 13 2019

       You'll be needing a fire extinguisher where you're going with 8th as your guide to the lower regions Max.
xenzag, Apr 13 2019

       If Max needs a guide to the "lower regions", he need look no further than his benighted siblings. We can't hold a candle to them ... well, we could, but not a lit one. Sturton's liking for an idiosyncratic tipple based on AVGAS, methylated sprit, Carlsberg Special Brew and what is probably Skydrol 500 hydraulic fluid (hard to tell, some of it spilled down the outside of the can and stripped the label off) plus his rather doubtful imbibing technique (resulting in his garments being soaked in the stuff most of the time) mean that he, and everything in his immediate vicinity, constitutes a serious fire hazard.
8th of 7, Apr 13 2019

       Enough with the inflammatory remarks, [8th].
MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 13 2019

       ... said the man in the Nomex suit, carrying a fire extinguisher in each hand ...
8th of 7, Apr 13 2019

       Seriously, Sturton may be an alcoholic (in the same sense that the Pacific may be a large body of water), but he has the means and motive to drink only at a very high level. He says you can tell a £1500 hangover from a £15 one, and he prefers the former.   

       He does, it's true, make large amounts of money from "I bet you can't drink that" type of challenges, but he has never actually ignited. The closest he got to combustion was in a strip club in Los Cabos when he accepted two such challenges in rapid succession, involving sadly incompatible liquids. He thought it quite likely that he'd been set up, and that the two challengers were in cahoots and were hoping to witness some sort of gastrointestinal apocalypse.
MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 13 2019

       The guide is going to have to be encyclopedic due to the size of the multiverse and levels of intricate possibilities there in.   

       Of course, a way transmogrifying( even through fire) from the mentioned human-centric plane of existence examples will be very personal.
wjt, Apr 13 2019

       // Will you be publishing the "Dead Rough Guide to Hell" as a companion volume ? //   

       Apparently there is Prior Art in that area, and it's not from Dante either.   

8th of 7, Apr 16 2019

       Having died a while back, and returned because I really hated the place, I can assure you that none of this is necessary.   

       Heaven, such as it is, turns out to be the same for everyone. It's a gigantic trailer park, in surroundings that look a lot like the fever swamps of the Florida Panhandle, where the only bottled liquid for drinking is a no-name brand bourbon.   

       You will find your trailer is not only used, but used for target practice by your neighbours, all of whom have been issued with assault rifles that can't kill you (you're already dead) but can create holes in the roof that let the rain in and the mosquitoes out, after they have eaten.   

       All backed by a looped recording of Billy Ray Cyrus singing "Achy Breaky Heart", 24 hours a day.
UnaBubba, Apr 16 2019

       The true death is an event horizon, no come backs. You did something, maybe close, maybe not, but you're still here.
wjt, Apr 16 2019

       Sturton has been pronounced dead at least twice. The conservative view is that he was just sleeping like a newt.
MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 16 2019

       " He's only mostly dead!"
Sgt Teacup, Apr 16 2019

       I think that the problem with heaven is that everyone is trying to get to the bar. Sound advice would be to leave before the rush.
calum, Apr 16 2019

       //everyone is trying to get to the bar// and yet, oddly, there are no lawyers to be seen.
MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 16 2019

       Can Sturton show us around?
RayfordSteele, Apr 16 2019

       I'm sure he'd be diluted.
MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 16 2019

       //Billy Ray Cyrus singing "Achy Breaky Heart"   

       No relation to "Hurty finger"?
not_morrison_rm, Apr 16 2019

       Damn you, [Ubie], guess what song is now going around in my head?
MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 16 2019

       Here, let me help... just think of Miley Cyrus twerking to "baby shark... doo doo do-do- do- do"
RayfordSteele, Apr 16 2019

       Heaven and hell are the same exact place. Like the real world. But there significant bliss inequality, so to some it's all hosannas, and to others it's all brimstone
theircompetitor, Apr 16 2019

       Hotel California?
RayfordSteele, Apr 17 2019

       something like.
theircompetitor, Apr 17 2019

       I think the Hotel California is now a Marriott.
MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 17 2019

       Given the OCD compulsion of mothers to be concerned about the cleanliness of their progeny's underpants in the unlikely event of an accident, will your handbook give us a clue about how many pairs we should bring with us into the afterlife? I imagine it's possible this may not be a non-stop flight; and if that's the case, might one not dash into the nearest lavatory for a quick change? And what if there **IS** an an accident on the way to our final destination? Will the "Heavenly Hospital Helpers" judge us harshly for soiled undergarments, thereby possibly dashing our hopes of a smooth transition to the same place Uncle Edgar is slouching around in!! Please hurry. We're not getting any younger, you know.
Grogster, Apr 17 2019

       A squid is still a valid aim to jump the horizon. A short lived transition but still good.
wjt, Apr 18 2019

       You took the words right out of my Scrabble set.
MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 18 2019


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