Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Heimlich Machine

Why depend on fellow humans to save your life?
  [vote for,

Do you really think that anyone is going to stop feeding their fat face and drop that slice of cherry pie to save your life if you are choking? Forget it! Americans have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of caramel topping. But now you don't have to suffer the humiliation of choking to death in a public restaurant filled with overweight slobs and annoying screaming children. The new FDA-approved Heimlich Machine, which will be required to be installed in every dining establishment, will do it for you. The Heimlich Machine is always on duty, never too tired or too full to save you. It will never be distracted by the roast beef or mashed potatoes or brownie sundae. When you detect that you are in fact choking (and not just watching Full House) you run over to the Heimlich Machine, and its mechanical arm and vacuum suction device will dislodge any food item up to 200 grams from your windpipe -- perfectly every time, and with 100% safety. Don't trust your life to your fellow humans. Depend on the Heimlich Machine instead. Coming soon to a Hometown Buffet near you!
DeathNinja, Jul 18 2003

quuch-quuch-qchk-qchk aid http://www.halfbake...uch-qchk-qchk_20aid
po's take on the topic scored +6. Also includes a self-how-to link. [waugsqueke, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 05 2004]

plenty-a-prose plug http://www.halfbake...otivational_20Media
It's in here, too [FarmerJohn, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 05 2004]


       Well, I don't get the pleasure of killing them if they die from choking on food... Unless it was me who put the food in their windpipe, in which case I would disable the Heimlich Machine prior to...
DeathNinja, Jul 18 2003

       How are you going to self-Heimlich if you don't have any arms? My machine doesn't discriminate against paraplegics...
DeathNinja, Jul 18 2003

       This could be good for places like my country, where people are hardly tought that food has to be chewed, let alone perform the Heimlich manouver on anybody, even less themselves.
Pericles, Jul 18 2003

       It's all that tequila-cadet training. Squinting eyes, wrinkled nose, down-the-hatch and the shudder--oooh, the shudder. And that's just kindergarten.
thumbwax, Jul 19 2003

       surely this is baked : a vacuum cleaner would do the trick.
neilp, Jul 19 2003

       Baked: this was on an episode of the simpsons were Homer becomes a trucker.
Deadlock'd, Mar 04 2004


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