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Internet News Story Squidding Rating

The people join together to battle the scourge of our time: news stories that don't get to the point.
  [vote for,

Squidding means spraying obscuring ink, a slang internet journalism term (that I made up) giving a nod the days when news was printed in ink. It's not only bad writing at work here, it's purposefully getting people to scroll down to see as many ads as possible as the writer meanders brainlessly through rambling nonsense having nothing to do with the headline. Stuff like:

"Aliens Land In Times Square! Turn Citizens Into Stone With Death Ray!"

Then you click on the link and reads:

"When I was a youngster, I often would tie my shoes that had "Aliens" themed shoelaces. My dog's name was Al, which is the first letter in the word "Aliens". Sometimes I get a new toothbrush and think "What ever happened to that toothbrush I took camping?" or I'll see a bird and think "That's pretty." I remember one time I was watching a car dive by and thought "Blue. That's definitely a shade of blue I haven't seen before. Kind of metallic." Or the time I walked out of my bedroom and counted the steps it took to get the living room: "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.... OH mom bought potato chips. Shoot, where was I, I'll start again... one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty- three, twenty-four..."

See link showing how bad this is getting. It's an article on a NFL player's tattoo that he's had to address in this PC fascist society of ours because... who cares?

But it doesn't show the tattoo. You clicked, we gotcha, haha.

There needs to be a way to fight back.

All news articles need to have 5 squid outlines at the top. A time waster like this, talking about a "controversial" tattoo that they don't even show would get 5 squids. Click on the far right squid to rank it.

That way, when somebody sees a link with a 5 squid rating, they don't waste their time.

doctorremulac3, Apr 26 2020

Don't bother. https://www.washing...r-tattoo-doesnt-re/
It doesn't show the tattoo. I didn't care anyway, but now I'm pissed. [doctorremulac3, Apr 26 2020]


       Ok, there's a way to do this. If there's a combination of letters or numbers that look like a squid, you can just post it in the comments. Let me try something...
doctorremulac3, Apr 26 2020

       (0) ) ( ( ) Hmm. Nope, that doesn't work.
doctorremulac3, Apr 26 2020

       // There needs to be a way to fight back. //   

       We suggest random, violent beatings.   

       If those responsible for the "squidding" can be the recipients of the beatings, that would be even better.
8th of 7, Apr 26 2020

       Hey, that was funny!   

       OK, I've stopped laughing now.   

       Back to typing squid looking characters.   


       Ok, that sucked.
doctorremulac3, Apr 26 2020


       <( )>

       Hardly Archieteuthis dux, but a start.   

       Be not downhearted; for proficiency in ASCII art, you need solid experience on an ASR-33 teletype, and far too much time on your hands.
8th of 7, Apr 26 2020

       Holy shit that's perfect!!!   

       I give reluctant, even bitter kudos for that.
doctorremulac3, Apr 26 2020

       <Smug grins/>   

       Your discomfiture and humiliation is most gratifying. Is there any other way in which we can make your worthless life less meaningful ?
8th of 7, Apr 26 2020

       Yes, keep coming up with pictures from type fonts. Spend lots and lots of time on it. Devote your entire life to it in fact.   

       I hope you don't because that would really be horrible for me. Every day would be a living hell. Oh shoot, did I just tell my biggest vulnerability to the world? Seeing people make little figures out of text?   

       Where's the erase switch on this thing?
doctorremulac3, Apr 26 2020

       It's too late, our servers have already captured your work, including the failed attempt at multiple squids that you so rapidly deleted.   

       We have saved that to inflict further humiliation on you.*   

       Generating ASCII imagery uses such a minuscule proportion of our total computational capacity that an attempt to quantify the actual amount would consume more resource than the task under scrutiny.   

       *Alternatively, used notes, nothing bigger than a 20, the usual place, will secure our discretion.
8th of 7, Apr 26 2020

       Some of it isn't deliberate malfeasance on the part of the site, but an artifact of paying writers by the word.   

       sp: ads
Voice, Apr 26 2020

       You're right, that's probably another factor.   

       8th, I'm so humiliated, but I take solace in knowing you don't have any more text art in you.   

       Frankly it's the only thing giving my life meaning. It's breathed new hope into my bleak existence.   

       Please, please, please be kind and don't spend any more times proving your superiority by making little animals and figures out of text.   

       But I know you don't have the ability to do that more than once anyway.
doctorremulac3, Apr 26 2020

       Actually, there are several, but we're going to make you scroll right down to the bottom to find out what they are.   

       Unless you care to go the "used notes" route as suggested above.
8th of 7, Apr 26 2020



       I I   

       OK, how come this doesn't work? How do you get them to stay in line?   

       It's a donkey butt. Clever but poorly executed.   

       So how do I put them together. Anybody? 8th isn't going to tell me.   

       <( )> ((o)) /||\ ||||
doctorremulac3, Apr 26 2020

       Why not join the Collective and find out ?   

       That's better than a bleak, meaningless future crammed with nothing but humiliation, failure, despair and self-loathing, shirley ?   

       Would you like to see our Owl ...?
8th of 7, Apr 26 2020

       I don't believe you can do an owl.   

       I dare you!
doctorremulac3, Apr 26 2020

       Ohhh, I get it, you expect me to sit here refreshing the screen for hours waiting for that owl.   

       Well it's been two hours already and you know something? I'm on to this little ruse!   

       One more hour and I'm off.
doctorremulac3, Apr 26 2020

       Place a < br > (without spaces) after each segment. Make sure to insert a space before the < > if the characters are nearing thirty in number or it will just bounce.   

| o v o |

       Would you like us to show him flying ? Would you like a Lesser Horned Owl? Catching a female chipmunk ?   

       Dance for us, monkey boy, dance !   

       [2fries], why did you have to spoil it?
8th of 7, Apr 26 2020

       This is an outrage! I've never been so insulted!   

       Catching the chipmunk please.   

       Thank you 2fries. Perhaps I can start to rebuild my life now.
doctorremulac3, Apr 26 2020

       No, forget that.   

       //I've never been so insulted! //   

       Oh you must have been, shirley ?   

       // Catching the chipmunk please. //   

       Only if you beg. Go on, on your knees. Assume the position. Can you squeal like a pig ?
8th of 7, Apr 26 2020

       So that's what you're into?   


       Let's stick with making cute characters out of letters.   


       How do I put a space before the question mark and the II? My donkey butt is close but still not there.
doctorremulac3, Apr 26 2020

       Not us. We just make the videos. You won't believe what some customers will pay for that sort of thing.   

       It's time for your close-up.
8th of 7, Apr 26 2020

       Did I mention ew?   

       2fries, how do you put that space in?   

       Or do you?   

       OK, I'll just leave it with that little lean to the right. Good enough. Makes it more sassy.
doctorremulac3, Apr 26 2020

       // how do you put that space in? //   


       Oh, you mean in the text.   

       Keep still, will you ? You're making it awkward to light the scene properly. And the donkey butt is unconvincing; we produce a premium product at BorgCo studios, you know.   

       Unless you actually enjoy all the re-takes ?
8th of 7, Apr 26 2020

       Dang boy, you into some weirrrrd shit.
doctorremulac3, Apr 26 2020

       No, you don't understand, we don't morally censure, we just want the money.
8th of 7, Apr 26 2020

       doctorremulac3 your attempt and failure of doing an ASCII squid made me chuckle out loud. Thank you.   

       Now for my breakfast, choco hazelnut pillows.
chronological, Apr 27 2020


       Glad you enjoyed it, now how do I get my donkey butt tail to move to the right?
doctorremulac3, Apr 27 2020

       We could tell you, but then we'd have to kill you ... and the donkey too, but that would be needlessly cruel* and will add unnecessarily to the production costs of the movie.   

       *Needful cruelty is, as always, perfectly acceptable.
8th of 7, Apr 27 2020

       Still working on your gay, anal rape / humiliation fantasy porn eh?   

       Everyone needs a hobby I guess, but I think we're OK with not hearing any more details about this one.
doctorremulac3, Apr 27 2020

       Hobby ? Purely a commercial project. The things you humans get up to, and will pay to watch, are seemingly limitless.   

       You're just bitter because you couldn't match our Squid and Owl. You admitted it.
8th of 7, Apr 27 2020

       Sorry 8th but I remember how frustrating it was to work out how you guys did that stuff.   

       [dr3] there is no way to leave blank spaces. If you look closely you'll see that the squid segments 8th did are all fully touching the left side of the column with no indents, while the owl has flat lines to align some segments. I usually use periods.   

       ..<( )>
./ I I \
.I .I.I.I

       At one point you could leave blank spaces here but that changed just before the thirty character rule came into being.   

       Shame on you, [2fries]. Now he won't have to perform on camera to find out the secrets, and we'll have to start blackmailing someone else. Our shooting schedule will slip. Our clients will be disappointed.   

       <Stares ruefully at elaborate ASCII art of Lesser Horned Owl catching a female chipmunk/>   

       We did perspective and everything...
8th of 7, Apr 27 2020

       Good, I like that this conversation has returned to how to type pictures of stuff.   

       I'm satisfied with my donkey. It's got a little hip shift to the right, the new tail adds to this visual implication.   

       More sassy.   

       I title it: "The ass, he be gettin' sassy with its ass see?"
doctorremulac3, Apr 27 2020


       OK ... [2fries] is right about the fact that leading whitespace gets trimmed.   

       You can get round that by building a structure on the left margin that anchors the main image. So, don't just draw a donkey; Draw half a tree on the left, and then the full donkey to the right of it.   

| \

       ^ Half a tree. A pine or fir tree is easier.   

       If you then draw a "full" tree on the right, more clearly representational, and syndiotactic with the left-hand one, then the eye/brain system will surreptitiously convert the crude half-tree to the concept of a full tree, part of which is not visible (but is inferred to be present).   

       It's easier on a Teletype, because then you can left-pad with whitespace.   

       Remember that depending on the display type, and the font, the spacing will change, so what looks perfect on one display (pc) will look disjointed on another (tablet). Unfortunately there's no way round that, because you need to be able to specify fixed-pitch fonts without proportional spacing. Many more primitive devices don't support that.
8th of 7, Apr 27 2020

       Someday our grandkids will ask: "What did you do during the great pandemic of 2020 grandpa?"
doctorremulac3, Apr 27 2020

       We will say, "We told people they were behaving like dolts, failing to apply critical thinking, and misunderstanding the available data, but mostly they ignored us and had a really miserable time, unnecessarily. The ones that did listen and understand were too few to make a difference, but at least they became lighthouses of rationality and comprehension in a swirling ocean of stupidity, panic, lies, half-truths, and media-fuelled delusional nightmares".   

       What are you going to say ?   

       "I tried to draw a donkey using only ASCII characters, but with very limited success."   

       At least our Owl and Squid looked reasonably recognizable ...   

       Stay with the idea, though. Another 24 hours and we will have beaten any remaining shreds of self-respect and worth out of you, leaving you with destroyed confidence and amenable to any suggestion, however bizarre, that promises to restore any sense of meaning to your existence.   

       And then you will be ours.   

       Don't feel bad about it. We do this stuff* all the time, and are remarkably good at it.   

       *Both ASCII art, and systematically destroying people's character and confidence, by a relentless, meticulously-planned attack. The art is a bit quicker and easier.
8th of 7, Apr 27 2020

       I'll tell them I was responsible for part of a vital piece of the planet's infrastructure, the thing we're all using here. I'll leave out the part about wasting time arguing about how to type out little characters.
doctorremulac3, Apr 27 2020

       That sounds wise. It might even work.   

       Drat, drat and double-drat ....
8th of 7, Apr 27 2020

       Who needs entertainment when you have the offtopic comments on Halfbakery.
chronological, Apr 28 2020

       Those too dull-witted to understand them ?
8th of 7, Apr 28 2020

       Do you have a Github account eighth?   

       Check out my ideas page on Github. It's linked in my profile
chronological, Apr 28 2020

       So Github is like the Halfbakery only for software development and with an eye towards collaboration? Am I reading that right?
doctorremulac3, Apr 28 2020

       //Github is like the Halfbakery//   

       There's only pockets of sarcasm and ritual humiliation at Github.
bs0u0155, Apr 29 2020

       And you almost never get gloating misanthropy and sneering - at least, not the top quality stuff you can get here.   

       Even the smug, scornful sneering is, to say the least, rather half-hearted.
8th of 7, Apr 29 2020


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