Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Master Bate's Official Bed Counter Vibrator

Have your bed come alive with pleasure
  [vote for,

Self-abuse is endemic and getting more distracting during a pandemic. Anyone on the same floor of an apartment complex or even on floors below can be inadvertently alerted if a neighbor has found masturbation, as the Chinese say, to "come in handy".

The idea is to create a wall-mounted motor which is attached to a bed's headboard. The motor rocks the bed to a rhythm which is counter to a person's unnatural rhythm, thereby masking the sound, if not the scent, of the scrotus position. A wrist-mounted accelerometer on the cretin actor's oversized hand will signal the rhythm which the bed must respond to and counteract.

*Disclaimer: no halfbakers have been known to abuse or test these claims.

p.s. Trump is a criminally stupid, frogjumping dictator.

4and20, Jul 29 2022

The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County https://americanlit...of-calaveras-county
[a1, Aug 01 2022]

One Froggy Evening https://vimeo.com/21117324
[a1, Aug 01 2022]

Michigan J. Frog https://www.youtube...watch?v=bkjsN-J27aU
[Voice, Aug 01 2022]

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       Wanktive noise cancelling
calum, Jul 29 2022

       I'll take two
pocmloc, Jul 31 2022

       Interesting how your thinking of masturbation led you to obsessing about Trump. Kind of suspected there was a link.
doctorremulac3, Jul 31 2022

       It's true. Is that why you boned it? Because you think everyone should know when Trump is masturbating?
4and20, Jul 31 2022

       Nice try, but that comeback didn't make sense and it wasn't funny.   

       I never think about Trump until people whose lives revolve around him shit in every conversation by obsessively bringing him up. [-]
doctorremulac3, Jul 31 2022

       Idea: [+] Troll comment attached to idea: [-]
Voice, Jul 31 2022

       Trump is like a phantom limb, or, more specifically, a phantom brain to some people. Every time someone mentions its absence, they wince with agonized, fabricated pain.
4and20, Jul 31 2022

       Suppose I really like cars. Suppose I bring up the inferiority of Chevrolet automobiles a lot. Suppose I constantly harp on the 1953 Corvette, criticizing every part of it every time it possibly comes up, and even when it doesn't. Suppose I'm not the only one, that there is a group of auto enthusiasts who likewise hate the 53 Corvette and will let you know at every opportunity. Will you be happy to hear me start to discuss cars? Will you anxiously await the repetition of my thoughts? If you're a fellow car enthusiast are you more likely to agree with me the 230th time I repeat, without saying anything new, my feelings on the seat covers of that car? Will you think me a reasonable man who, if the 'vette actually had a decent power train, would admit it? Will you trust my thoughts on the 2020 Spark to be unbiased?

Now suppose I say you just don't want to hear it because of your hidden love for the car. Will you find the comment insightful and reconsider your feelings on the matter? You are trolling. Please don't become a troll.
Voice, Jul 31 2022

       //Trump is like a phantom limb, or, more specifically, a phantom brain to some people. Every time someone mentions its absence, they wince with agonized, fabricated pain.//   

       So what kind of asshole would continually mention the absence of somebody's limb just to antagonize them like that?   

       Here's my point, have you made this place more interesting, fun, educational or nastier, more boring and dreary?   

       Trolling is people wanting to get attention by being obnoxious, it's that simple. Debate is fine, this is just throwing crap while squealing "LOOK AT ME!".
doctorremulac3, Jul 31 2022

       I'm just going on record to say that "frogjumping" is now a thing in my dictionary though I'm hesitant to kermit.   

       You've been warned.   

       Don't pond it into my head.
Voice, Aug 01 2022

       I wouldn't bream of it.   

       I'm sure I'll regret asking, but how did "frogjumping" become a political epithet? Frogs - whether jumping, dancing, or singing - are good entertainment.   

       Good eating, too.
a1, Aug 01 2022

       Could be a Mark Twain reference?
pertinax, Aug 01 2022

       // So what kind of asshole would continually mention the absence //   

       Sadly, I can't say that [Doc] is a complete idiot. That's why it's unnecessary/ a waste of time to school him over and over.   

       He does make a lot of noise about about being a tough guy, among other things, but is he man enough to come out and say that he doesn't still support Trump (for president)? Because that would make [doc] no less stupid, but also psychotic. English and German history is full of clever men who "get along" with people while being, in the end, psychotic.   

       [Doc] and anyone else who is psychotic or stupid enough to think that they can use "internet peer pressure" to prevent anti-Trump comments is fucking fooling themselves more than Trump has.
4and20, Aug 03 2022

       You're just saying that to hide your love for the Dendrobatidae family.
Voice, Aug 03 2022

       4and20, you've been obsessing about me for 3 days and this nonsensical troll blathering is all you've come up with? A bunch of cowardly insults you'd never say to my face?   

       You can continue masturbating about the center of your universe, Donald Trump, but nobody cares.
doctorremulac3, Aug 03 2022

       Point well taken V. Don't feed the trolls and troll or not, it's time to move on.   

       4and20, can we try to be nice to each other? Nobody enjoys this stuff. The HB can be a lot of fun, we don't have to see eye to eye on everything but we can all still have fun here.   

       Truce okay?
doctorremulac3, Aug 03 2022

       By the title, I thought the bed was counting the vibrations, which I guess would be some kind of an indicator of how long you'd last with a woman?
RayfordSteele, Aug 03 2022

       //with a woman// ???
pocmloc, Aug 03 2022

       // woman //   

       or women. or man/men, animal(s) domesticated or wild, or electrical appliances. As long as all are consenting and the electric bill gets paid on time.
a1, Aug 03 2022

       Well, that's my preference anyway. But hey, I get it. Pronouns and all...
RayfordSteele, Aug 03 2022

       P.S. "frogjumping" is when an ex-president wearing leg-irons comes up from under Republicans who have submerged their ass in a toilet bowl. The best way to prevent this is to keep your ass out of the toilet bowl, where he and his gilldildos can't find you.   

       You may be safer in bed, possibly with a wrinkled Dendrobatidae or two, but it's no place for toiletry, and the ripples may create unwanted attention.
4and20, Aug 04 2022


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