h a l f b a k e r y
On the one hand, true. On the other hand, bollocks.
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When an incoming Earth-Clobbering asteroid is detected, after
laborious naming process is over with, a fleet of high-speed giant
space wasps will be dispatched--wait, did I mention the giant
wasps? Yeah, there are giant space wasps. Anyway, they will be
dispatched on an intercept
course to meet the asteroid while it is
still far enough from Earth to give this scheme time to
work, but close enough that it can be observed through mega-
telescopes and broadcast on pay-per-view.
Clutched tightly to the thorax of each giant space wasp will be
giant robot space rhinoceros. These machines will be powered by
reconditioned nuclear reactors removed from decommissioned
nuclear submarines. For preference, I'd use liqiud sodium reactors
from old Russian subs because this all happens in outer space, so
can be dirty as hell.
When the fleet arrives, the robot rhinoceroses will be deposited
the surface of the asteroid and the space wasps will take up a
holding pattern nearby. Using the 42GzW deuterium flouride
mounted in their nostrils, an advance team of rhinos will begin
scoring the crust of the asteroid in a pre-programmed pattern,
having already determined the composition and internal structure
using, um, ground-penetrating radar and stuff.
the bulk of the herd will follow close behind, using their lasers
reinforced boron-carbide-tipped horns to create 'rhinoceros
superhighways' along these artificial fault lines. In this first
phase, they will maneuver primarily with vectored-thrust rockets
located in the ears and anus. Deployed from the hangar-like
bellies of the robot rhinoceroses, a horde of Automated Refinery
Snails (WKTE) will follow behind them, slurping up the spoil and
using the low-grade iron ore and other materials it contains to
create a special ferrous cement which they will lay down in a
metallic, self-hardening slime trail.
Once the primary stage is complete, the herd will assemble into
tight formation and begin to stampede in perfect lockstep around
and around the asteroid until their pounding electromagnetic
match the crust's structural resonance, resulting in controlled
fracture. As the crust comes apart, the giant space wasps
once more and carry away the broken segments, exposing the
yummy nickel-iron meat of the enormous space-walnut for the
rhinoceroses to gorge themselves upon, storing the rich ore in
cavernous bellies. When the feast is complete, the fleet will
return to Earth with its bounty, making a quick stop at Jupiter to
toss the crust segments into the big red spot, to the general
amusement of billions of veiwers at home.
Thus, several problems have been solved all in one go: the
can get rid of all their surplus nuclear submarines before one of
aging reactors goes critical and turns Polyarny Inlet into a big
cauldron of glowing
sturgeon stew, the giant space wasps will be
given a useful purpose in life and will no longer sate their
upon the helpless green-skinned Venusian sex princesses, and, of
course, the Earth will not be clobbered by a massive asteroid.
<NOTE: the bit with the anal thrusters and the snails was added
the plan after [Vernon]'s helpful anno regarding gravity and the
lack thereof. [pocmloc]'s anno about thrusters was posted while
the additions were being made, but I'll happily share the credit
anyway. Strange minds sometimes think alike.>
I think I might have a few rhino exoskeletons floating around somewhere
is 2012 the HB Year of the Mecha Rhino or something [not_morrison_rm, Mar 09 2012]
Test Site Alpha
We'll start the stampede from right here! [Alterother, Mar 24 2012]
||It's a long shot, but it just might work.
||How do they tell the difference between an asteroid and the Earth?
||By scent. Rhinoceroses have highly developed olfactory
capabilities, robotic ones even more so.
||The "stampede" part of this Idea depends on the existence of significant gravitation, which no asteroid possesses.
||That is an excellent point, and one which requires further
development. I'll get the girls down at the Heathen
Institute for Inadvisably Applied Science & Historical Re-
Configuration working on it immediately.
||Suggestions are always welcome, of course.
||Retro-rockets mounted on the rhinos backs, pressing them onto the asteroid surface (or, in the event of a funny smell, onto the Earths surface).
||Well, that was about 0.3 VU* of well-written and
well-thought-out idea. I can but bun.
||*Vernon Units. 1 VU=4.8 screensfull.
||Wow. This reads like a somehow coherent opium-fueled fever dream.
||I regret that I have but one bun to give.
||Could this technology be adapted to almonds? Of
course, the almonds would have to be much bigger
||Not necessarily. It may be possible to breed
miniature giant wasps.
||Only if the almonds are fresh. Robot rhinoceroses will have
no truck with less-than-fresh giant space almonds.
||Not unless the almonds are fresh.
||This is slightly less absurd than the premise in Bruce Willis' Armageddon movie. Rhinoceros, armadillo, close enough.
||The difference being, of course, that the movie
'Armageddon' was intended to be absurd, whereas this
proposal is entirely serious in nature. I've got federal
funding and everything.
||//I've got federal funding// So you're the bugger
whose been getting it all, damn your eyes.
||//I've got federal funding and everything//
||I thought welfare was a State responsibility in the US?
||What can I say? Asteroids are a hot-button issue in this
||When you have Klingons for candidates, that happens.
||//Klingons for candidates// They would like you to
think that. Actually, they're Ferengi.
||Course, you could just set the asteroid on fire. That will bring the robo-rhinos run... er ... on an intercepting trajectory.
||That would require the installation of artificial trees for
skittish blonde women to scramble up. The sexy-spacesuit
budget alone would be a deal-killer.