Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
h a l f b a k e r y
(Rolling in flour, halfbaking my ass off)

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Perfect poop pill

Restore colonic commensals
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We are colonial organisms (no pun intended) composed of a single large vertebrate carrying a teeming and complex colonic ecosystem. A constant dialogue of secreted products, inflammatory mediators and metabolic products goes on between colonic inhabitants and the rest of the body. Medicine treats this colonial organism in a manner reminiscent of American foreign policy – dropping antibiotic “bombs” to remedy any number of problems, often with drastic consequences on the innocent bystanders in our colons. New, more malicious microbes can move in, taking the spaces once occupied by our murdered commensals. The resulting problems are addressed with more bombs.

I propose an enteric-coated tablet containing dried, live cultures of the many microbial inhabitants of the healthy colon. The proportions of each bacterium type would be derived through careful research, much as the correct blend of grapes in a fine wine. It would become routine for every doctor, when prescribing antibiotics, to also prescribe the “perfect poop pill” to restore and maintain a healthy ecosystem. These pills could also be popped in the mouths of newborn babies – born without any colonic flora, many probably become colicky as a result of undesirable random bacteria taking up residence. Instead of waiting for time to restore balance, why not get it right from the start?

It may be that antibiotic-influenced shifts in the fecal flora are only the most blatant of troubles caused by disordered colons. Consider – change in diet, geography, hormones or any number of factors might alter colonic flora for the worse. Even more interesting – it is likely that the desirable colonic inhibtants differ from person to person. Research may find different pills for different individuals: pregnant women, old men, hard working students and indigent loafers would each have their own perfect poop pill.

bungston, Oct 03 2002

Chicken poop spray http://www.sciencen...98/3_28_98/fob1.htm
A similar idea in chickens. [bungston, Oct 03 2002, last modified Oct 06 2004]

Rate-My-Poo http://www.ratemypoo.com/
I just wanted to link this somewhere. [AfroAssault, Oct 06 2002, last modified Oct 06 2004]


       Ah! The perfect poo! A spiritual moment of near zen. With barely a grunt, it leaves you, and enters the water, like an olympic diver, leaving hardly a ripple, let alone any splash-back. The single wipe you administer is, of course, redundant, but the soft, crisp folds of the tissue are, nonetheless, a necessary culmination of the affair. It leaves you feeling the perfect emptyness but fulfilment: a physical anagnorisis: rectal enlightenment.   

       Croissant for promoting the perfect poo, fishbone for trying to oppose destiny by scientifically inducing such a spiritual moment.
yamahito, Oct 03 2002

       bunstong, I haven't any hot cross buns to give a nice man today...and I'm out of the sticky ones too.   

       <looks around for lurking eyes>   

       "Maybe I could interest you with some of this", her voice shifts downward to sultry whispers.   

       Holding it close to her body she opens the mouth of a zip-lock baggie. She motions the bun man to peer in the baggie after her at the silky pale brindle-colored powder with a slight grain and the light scent of orange rinds. She meets his eyes again and raises one eyebrow which irresistibly beckons. To that, he can't say no. He tips his head in covert confirmation reaching his hands forward, out from the raincoat's deep pockets, then gestures to take the baggie from her hands. (Her favorite moment when she does this.)   

       She barks suddenly,   

       "BUS-TED!" "This_is_baked!", clamping cuffs around his perfectly presented wrists with her supple skill.   

       <aside> [Yamahito], U D man! You are 'the' reason I logged in. (giggles at zenful new meaning of loggin) Archive material quality! Have my best croissant for yourself today. "She presents yamahito with an oversized croissant, the largest one she's made yet. So large in fact one end rises and winds back on itself several times, coming to rest in a perfect gentle cone atop the swirl shaped mound of baked dough... ;-)
hollajam, Oct 03 2002

       Where's Colonel Panic when you need him.
General Washington, Oct 03 2002

       well, thanks. What can I say, when you've got nothing to do other than sit on your arse all day, you put some thought into these things.
yamahito, Oct 03 2002

       Slow down General Sir, The war doesn't start today. <gently embraces general's shoulders>
SSSHHhh........ssshhhhh.......... sshh

hollajam, Oct 03 2002

       To this day I cannot say 'Colin Powell' with a straight face. The guy should never run for president with that name. At least he should try and re-define it to the less scatological British pronunciation.
RayfordSteele, Oct 04 2002

       I'm sure I've seen these in France - "Pillule Parfait Pour PooPoo".   

       Those French have invented everything...
DenholmRicshaw, Oct 04 2002

       elephants already do this. a mother elephant engourages her baby to eat her dung, as the baby is born without the proper bacteria required for digestion, and this bacteria is found in the mother's dung. it makes you wonder how the first elephant ever digested anything.   

       warning: do not try this at home!
mihali, Oct 04 2002

       Try anchovies with cream cheese on crackers with sesame seeds. And a bottle of red wine.
rabbit, Oct 06 2002

       //an enteric-coated tablet containing dried, live cultures of the many microbial inhabitants//   

       Isn't this yogurt?
krelnik, Oct 16 2002

       AfroAssault, what is humanity coming to? Your link... you sick thing... Oh... s'cuse me...
hollajam, Oct 16 2002

       Hey AA. Good to see your exploding face.
blissmiss, Oct 17 2002

       I won't try to find the link now, but the Japanese have developed a special bottle cap that contains a freeze-dried innocolon of live probiotic organisms. Twist and press the cap before using to release the bacteria into milk, water, or other bottle contents.
reensure, Oct 17 2002

       [bliss] - I make my rounds.
AfroAssault, Oct 18 2002

       AfroAssault: As a longtime lurker, I have missed you. Let us have big explosive poops! Altogether now.......BANG! SQUIRT! SPLASH!.... AAAHHHhhhhhh..... aaahhhh. Total catharsis.
rabbit, Oct 18 2002

       But, not a single splashy poo on that link. Number three comes closest and even that doesn't approach the rim. We can do better. Hey wait, number nine. They keep changing them. How totally anal-expulsive-changing-the-goal-posts-control-freak!
rabbit, Oct 18 2002


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