Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Perforated telephone directory

A telephone directory that is split in half by a line of perforations which runs through the entire volume.
  (+24, -3)(+24, -3)(+24, -3)
(+24, -3)
  [vote for,

This telephone book would be kept near your bed so when, at night, you are awoken by intruders it can be brought out to face the confrontation instead of the standard golf club.
When you flick on the lights and find your self face to face with the trespasser, you can begin to roar wildly, and demonstrate your monster-like strength by ripping the directory in half.
Any burglar in his right mind (not realising the phone book is perforated) will flee in fear. If not, you can just resort to using the telephone book as a normal bludgeoning device.
stupop, Jan 29 2002

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       Could it be made with Velcro instead, so that it's reusable?
angel, Jan 29 2002

       If the intruder has a gun, simply hold a normal phone book in front of you and proclaim in your best superhero voice, "Vile rapscallion! I rebuke and defy you with this, the invincible shield of Kyrillion!"   

       Maybe that will get him to run, too. But if not, maybe he'll perforate the phone book for you.
beauxeault, Jan 29 2002

       nice one beauxeault... If I wasn't going to vote for this allready your annotation would have forced me to...
RobertKidney, Jan 29 2002

       Yeah, that line always works for me too.
thumbwax, Jan 30 2002

       Can I vote for Rod's Tiger's comment instead of the idea?
sirrobin, Jan 30 2002

thumbwax, Jan 30 2002

po, Jan 30 2002

       Hell yes- I'm always up for anything that makes me look bigger, stronger, and willing to tear my own stuff to pieces just to foil a guy who's going to steal it anyway.
ASLAN, Dec 17 2002

       i like it. v incredible hulk. the best thing is, you can turn it into an address book- just rip out the page you need, put it in a binder an highlight the person. plus, you dont get as many pages as a phone book. you can still put it in alphabetical order.   

       If I could vote for this twice, I would. It is the best idea in the whole HB.
bungston, Dec 17 2002

       I love this idea. Tearing telephone directories apart is something I have been striving to achieve since my impoverished youth. I love the bludgeoning backup plan. My only quibble is that the perforations may distort the telephone numbers, but obviously reduced functionality for peace of mind is a fair trade-off.
pooduck, Jan 10 2005

       To scare off evildoers with weapons, perhaps laser beams could apparently shoot from your eyes and catch the phonebook on fire after your book tearing feat. This would be accomplished by eye-tracking green lasers hidden in the phone book, along with a small incendiary device. This will however require you to sleep wearing contacts that reflect that exact frequency of light.
Worldgineer, Jan 10 2005

       How long would it take me to make a hollow phone book to keep a pistol in? I think that's too much labor.
normzone, Jan 11 2005

       Not as much as tearing a pistol in half. Unless you perforate it too, I guess.
Worldgineer, Jan 11 2005

       I can't believe I missed this one.. what [threelittleducks wentoutoneday] said.. nice.
neilp, Jan 11 2005

       But wouldn't all the bad guys eventually get wise to this trick? Instead of striking fear in his heart, you'd give him a good laugh.
robinism, Jan 11 2005

       But one of them would have to know it's fake first. More likely this will create legends passed around of the 80-year-old overweight wild man of steel.
Worldgineer, Jan 11 2005

       How is ripping a phone book in half supposed to deter an intruder? The fact that you have used both hands to tear the book will reveal you're not holding anything in either one. The crook, if he's at all smart, will by contrast have something in one or both of his hands to negate your (apparent) strength advantage, such as a knife, club, hammer, rope, or other weapon.
supercat, Jan 11 2005

       Armor plated pajamas?
Worldgineer, Jan 11 2005

       Is a phone directory thick enough to absorb the shock of a bullet??
pooduck, Jan 11 2005

       Can I vote for Rod's Tiger's comment instead of the idea?
po, Jan 11 2005

       Only if you can tell us what it was.
Worldgineer, Jan 11 2005

robinism, Jan 11 2005

       A phone directory could most likely stop a BB or CB cap. Maybe a .22 short if fired from a 1" barrel. But most types of ammo would penetrate it with no problem.
supercat, Jan 12 2005

       I think I would just enjoy ripping it in half for thr hell of it: "Hey, can I see your phone book?" RRRIP "Thanks."
jaksplat, Jan 12 2005

       [Worldgineer][po] Something about a directory of perforated telephones if I recall.
stupop, Jan 12 2005

       This would be a good idea if it werent to try and scare burglars. + though
energy guy, Apr 20 2005

       [Stupop] the internet archive reckons it was:   

       /Would it work if you simply rang directory enquiries, then snapped your phone in half?/
david_scothern, Apr 20 2005

       If it was one of the old-school black 2-pounds-of-plastic phones, it would work. Or maybe with one of the new cordless phones that's still pretty substantial.   

       But I don't think breaking your cellphone will scare him off.   

       The sound of a twelve-gauge pump shotgun being cocked has a certain chilling effect, though.
normzone, Apr 20 2005

       an inflatable green vest under your jimjams to give an incredible hulk temper tantrum appearance would be neat.
po, Apr 20 2005

       //If not, you can just resort to using the telephone book as a normal bludgeoning device.//
... or two of them.
phundug, Mar 26 2007

       Perhaps it could be perforated in such a manner that, when torn in half, 'Hospitals' became the front page? I think it unlikely that a book-destroying demonstration would scare off a determined burglar, particularly one wearing a scary mask. I forsee bloodshed.
Mister Sketchly, Mar 26 2007


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