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Phlegmphone

Phone that resembles a lump of mucus
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Actually four models. The basic principle is that each phone consists of a matrix containing tiny granules which work together to achieve the functionality of a phone - just voice calls. Well, audio anyway.

The first one is of course the phlegmphone. This is a handheld lump of quivering mucus which can be used to make and receive calls. One dials numbers by coughing rhythmically at it with gaps, so for instance "cough (pause), cough cough (pause), cough cough cough (longer pause)" dials the number 123. Ringtone is of someone clearing their throat. Audio compression is optimised for coughing, sneezing and otherwise manipulating catarrh. It will not work for normal spoken voice.

Blood phone: a lump of congealed blood. Numbers are dialled by stabbing. Ringtone is a bloodcurdling scream and likewise the audio is optimised for screaming.

Melancholyphone: a lump of melancholy, for instance necrotic tissue. Dial numbers by weeping the right number of tears onto it. Ringtone and audio are for sobbing.

Cholerphone: appears to be on fire (pixels on the surface simulate the appearance of flames) and is almost too hot to hold. Ringtone is the sound of an explosion. Dial numbers by shouting them at the phone very fast. Audio optimised for angry shouting.

nineteenthly, Sep 03 2014

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       Very humor-ous!
zen_tom, Sep 03 2014
  

       smokerphone
not_morrison_rm, Sep 03 2014
  

       What I'm not getting here is a why.
MaxwellBuchanan, Sep 07 2014
  

       I find the proposition that the whole of life is pointless highly feasible, [MB]. This merely shrink wraps the envelope of prominent pointlessness to telephones, but those devices are merely the inner core of a whole series of nested boxes of pointlessness. It's pointlessness all the way down.
nineteenthly, Sep 08 2014
  

       Pizza'n'beer puke for college students . . .   

       "Wait, dude, that's not the phone !!!"   

       [-] ick.
FlyingToaster, Sep 08 2014
  

       I think the synecdoche in the title was a mistake - though, admittedly, I can't think of a better title.
pertinax, Sep 08 2014
  

       //I find the proposition that the whole of life is pointless highly feasible, [MB]. This merely shrink wraps the envelope of prominent pointlessness to telephones, but those devices are merely the inner core of a whole series of nested boxes of pointlessness. It's pointlessness all the way down.//   

       Well, of course life is pointless. But in the meantime we may as well have nice phones.
MaxwellBuchanan, Sep 08 2014
  

       These are nice! No accounting for taste I suppose.
nineteenthly, Sep 08 2014
  

       Well, then go to it and I hope they sell well. However, the point they seek to make is already well- made.
MaxwellBuchanan, Sep 08 2014
  

       Nice to have on Halloween, but where to store it the other 364 days of the year? Sounds like it will soon smell really bad.
popbottle, Sep 09 2014
  

       It should start off smelling bad. Also, it's not made of a "real" humour. The question of what counts as a real humour now springs to mind.
nineteenthly, Sep 10 2014
  
      
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