SQL Text Trawl

A normal SQL query says, politely, "show me these columns from these tables meeting these criteria."

I propose an extension to SQL, by which you can say, less politely, "I know there's something in this database somewhere about, say 'Tono-Bungay'. No, I don't know which table; the contractor who created the schema (using vowel-free abbreviations of the original Serbo-Croat) left three years ago without doco. Yes, I've got all night if necessary. You tell me which table(s) and columns(s)."

This can already be done in a roundabout way if you write a script which queries the tables where the schema is defined, creates a list of all the text columns and then runs SELECT statements against them ad nauseam. I'm just proposing that SQL itself should support it directly. I'm imagining something along the lines of
EXTRACTBRUTE <search-string> {output-spec}
{output-spec} ::= TABLENAME | COLUMNNAME | PKVALUES

This would be helpful for stalkers, hackers, reverse-engineers and Business Intelligence consultants.