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Sex Sounds Machine

Gives you your ya-yas and creates a playboy/girl reputation overnight
 
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To help you get over the loneliness since you again got dumped by Charlie/Charlene (same person at weekends), purchase the new Sex Sounds Machine. With options ranging from 'before-work quickie' to 'post-apocalyptic screams', this apparatus will simulate even the most realistic of orgasms. Record your own voice upon it thus making you (and that nosy granny across the hall with a glass to the wall) truly believe you are not some desperate bachelor/ette who hasn't had it in days/weeks/months/years/centuries (delete as applicable).
Mistress Bling, Nov 10 2003

Music using sex sounds http://www.ananova.....weirdworld.sexlife
[Letsbuildafort, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 05 2004]

[link]






       [Letsbuildafort's link] I have heard an album of dance music with porno samples as vocals.
Mistress Bling, Nov 10 2003
  

       [M-F-D] more joke than invention. sorry
Tiger Lily, Nov 10 2003
  

       smile if you?.. she says smugly..
po, Nov 10 2003
  

       [Tiger Lily] What on earth do you mean Vagina envy? I'm a girl and consequently have one of those, no need for envy
Mistress Bling, Nov 10 2003
  

       [TigerLily] Erm, not that I mean to go on a rant here but I consider myself to be someone with quite a lot of humour. And this comment was meant as nothing more than this. It had made several girls I know laugh with no hint of an anti-feminist attitude from any of them. However, I do take great exception to your comments which are frankly insulting and have no place on this site. I don't know if these views are your commonly-held ones or if you have been brainwashed by some lurid psycho-babble but please refrain from airing your personal frustrations out on me when you really don't know anything about me. Have a nice day.
Mistress Bling, Nov 10 2003
  

       wow - sounds as if Madame Blighty is just a tad wound up right now, TL   

       hmm, perhaps just playing the tape of sex sounds doesn't have quite the same relaxing effect...
seedy em, Nov 10 2003
  

       You're right, seedy, apparently I have the version where the actor had trouble getting it up. Soundbites of a random male grunting for thirty seconds and ending with 'oh bugger it's no use' to raucous female laughter doesn't quite meet the machine's purpose.
Mistress Bling, Nov 10 2003
  

       French Kiss by Lil Louis is a classic house track from 88/89 that used the sound of love to make a great tune.
sufc, Nov 10 2003
  

       Mistress Bling, interestingly enough you exclude yourself from earlier ranting much further bend out of shape in one annotation alone than any of my comments put together recently.
Tiger Lily, Nov 10 2003
  

       Tiger Lily. I have got no idea what you are on about.
sufc, Nov 10 2003
  

       It's a good thing there's no [m-f-d]: "catfight."   

       I want to see how this plays out.
Overpanic, Nov 10 2003
  

       There are a couple of missing annos which means that the cat fight makes even less sense than before.
sufc, Nov 10 2003
  

       [sufc] //I have got no idea what you are on about//   

       neither have I. I feel a strange sense of achievement that the first idea I posted has caused such sontroversy!
Mistress Bling, Nov 11 2003
  

       call this sontroversy? I say HAH and again HAH!
po, Nov 11 2003
  

       So the sonta claws will be coming out.
sufc, Nov 11 2003
  

       You should never have mentioned the French, [sufc].   

       But, back to the idea. Fishbone. Fake sex noises are widely baked. So is having a machine that plays them loud for your neighbours to enjoy.
lintkeeper2, Nov 11 2003
  

       Charlie/Charlene are split? Dang! Why am I the last to know? <rushes off to the phone to sympathize with Charlene, then makes date with Charlie>
pluterday, Nov 11 2003
  

       // I feel a strange sense of achievement...//   

       Heh, I find you humorous after all, Mistress Bling.   

       Deriving a sense of achievement from cat bouncing after your cat got off having snapped your Strap-ons@, is indeed funny. It's certainly strange.
Tiger Lily, Nov 11 2003
  

       A sex sounds machine that reproduced the sounds of animals having sex would be very funny, and would keep the neighbors talking for ages, "Has that chap got a sheep in his apartment.... again!!!"
Micky Dread, Nov 11 2003
  

       Can't you just masturbate or something?
waugsqueke, Nov 11 2003
  

       AAAh! a machine that blasts out wanking noises, wow! you could leave this going all night long, then walk out of your apartment with a wicked grin on your face and a huge blob of fake semen hanging off your ear just like in "Something about Mary".
Micky Dread, Nov 12 2003
  

       Nice, Mickey, reeeeel nice. urgh
squeak, Nov 12 2003
  

       Sorry Squeak, I blame Waugs for my last annotation.....
Micky Dread, Nov 12 2003
  

       does listening have the same effect? perhaps it could be a sleep aid for insomniacs:   

       "simply listen to this tape of you faking your own orgasm, and in no time you'll be off in dreamland*"   

       *batteries not included
seedy em, Nov 12 2003
  

       Didn't something like this land Frank Zappa in jail?
skinflaps, Dec 14 2006
  
      
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