Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Sex Trombone - Plant People thing

wow, probably not the type of thing I should post
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(+7, -3)
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So I had this friend and it really was a friend, not me, not that that should matter, who used to, this is when we were both about 12 or 13, i swear to god, pleasure himself with a vaccum cleaner hose, and, yes there was a size issue - - he was just pre-pubescent and I was just post pubescent -- wow this may be a little personal... but anyway who cares now i am like 45. So the point is that being prepubescent he was small enough to fit inside the vaccum cleaner hose, sorry this is so graphic but it is all for a good cause just bear with me here, so the kid was able to fit inside the vaccum hose and turn the thing on and it would, you know vibrate him back and forth with a sound that raised and lowered according to how closely he held the hose onto his body, so it was like a musical instrument -- a "sex trombone" in that it changed pitch according to how tightly he was holding it to his body. And of course the point of the whole thing was that he finished off, and an added benefit, I guess, or maybe a liability, was that the vaccum cleaner took care of everything else.

And I have thought a number of times of this weirdness over the years, but never, until now, over my fifth bottle of rubber cement tonight in the homeless shelter, just kidding, no i'm not, yes i am, thought that this kind of a contraption could have a greater benefit -- be amplified and gentle-ified so that it was a whole body machine where the shape of the walls of the vaccum tube are optimized to gently vibrate the different parts of the body so that they are in constant low level vibration at a level that is not painful but is energizing and energy-expending, and so that there is no mental storage of excess energy, (which is the root of all evil I am convinced), and so that optimal repetitive motion and then, through acoustic programming starting with audio books, mental programming and finally predictable mental energy extraction could be acheived. So you would basically have a borgish sort of lung thing, without any wires or other substrates, just a bunch of really happy people being moved and programmatically feeding back energy by air intake. And so what kind of natural breathing process could be doing the energy intake? Well maybe they are like a borg and all connected together in a big lung so there is a non human element to the contraption that forces the vibrations of the human elements acording to air intake... f it i cant write it out.

JesusHChrist, Mar 14 2011


       Having read this through a few times, I have found that the way that makes this best to read if you imagine it being spoken aloud by a coy though somewhat flirtatious Prince, over an early 90s funk instrumental. Come to think of it, wasn't this the B-side to Gett Off?
calum, Mar 14 2011

       <rereads text> Thanks [calum] - that's much better. Also, I was imagining three female backing singers chanting the words "Sex Trombone" a few times between the paragraphs and then again at the end.
hippo, Mar 14 2011

       Your childhood friend's strange mechanical sexual preference adds a new 'wanking noise signature' to the list I have compiled from various roommates. A wanking noise signature is almost always unique, and can be used to identify when your roommate is wanking so as to not disturb them. In your friend's case the vacuum cleaner is a clear one. Others include one friend who always inadvertently announced his sessions by locking his door, another had a squeaky chair hinge, another would audibly say "I'm off for a wank" or something to that effect and the list goes on.
rcarty, Mar 14 2011

       I was on more or less the same wavelength as calum on this, although I was thinking of Ben Frost's rendition of halfbakery ideas, with occasional saxophone backing, on Youtube.
DrBob, Mar 14 2011

       Bun chiefly for calums great improvement. Having just watched Sexy MF I can see exactly how this would work.   

       But as far as vibrating people I thought folks have been doing that since the 1930s. Wasnt there a vibrotable recently designed to combat osteoporosis in astronauts?
bungston, Mar 14 2011

       I think it works much better in the voice of [actually, no, there's no reason you need to know that].   

       What I find somewhat disturbing to ponder is how exactly [JHC] knows all this. Ignorance of bliss is, in some cases, bliss.
MaxwellBuchanan, Mar 14 2011

blissmiss, Mar 14 2011

       It's a bit of a confounding statement.
rcarty, Mar 14 2011

       //f it i cant write it out.// Obviously. [-]
FlyingToaster, Mar 15 2011

       Tagline when I read this:   

       // Yeah, I wish it made more sense too. //   

       Tagline when I wrote this anno:   

       // I didn't say you were on *to* something, I said you were *on* something. //
notexactly, Apr 19 2015


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