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Smaug revisited

Rewrite of the hobbit
  (+1, -5)
(+1, -5)
  [vote for,

The Hobbit badly needs to be rewritten.

-To include that hot new chick -To include Thorin surfing on a river of molten gold -To include much better converstaions

-And everything else that was so much better in the movie

zeno, Dec 31 2013

There and back again http://www.amazon.c...urphy/dp/0312866445
Space opera Got the T- shirt [popbottle, Jan 03 2014]

Tolkien's sources http://www.tolkien-...lkiens-sources.html
[DrBob, Jan 05 2014, last modified Apr 30 2014]


       I thought this would be the first 2014 "idea" to out my frustration. But it says dec 31 2013. It is 1:38 for me now so different timezone I guess. Happy new year!
zeno, Dec 31 2013

       //Smaug revisited   

       Didn't know how lucky he was in that cave, no Jehovah's Witnesses or double-glazing salesmen...
not_morrison_rm, Dec 31 2013

       Can we just have Tolkien and all of his derivative crap expunged from the face of the Earth?
UnaBubba, Jan 01 2014

       [Zeno has entered the Lonely Mountain, which once housed a kingdom of dwarves, but which is now Smaug's lair - Smaug is sleeping on a hill of gems and other riches, but wakes up when Zeno reaches the heart of the mountain]   

       Smaug: Well, thief? I smell you, I feel your air - and I hear your breath. Come along! Help yourself; there's plenty, AND to spare.   

       Zeno: [who is invisible] Oh... thank you, Smaug the Magnificent! I did not come for wealth. I wish only to have a look at you, and see if you are truly as great as tales say; I did not believe them!   

       Smaug: [flattered] ... Do you now?   

       Zeno: They fall utterly short of reality, King SMAUG Under the Mountain!   

       Smaug: Hmmm... You have nice manners for a thief - and a LIAR.   



       Zeno: Surely you realize that your success has made you some bitter enemies?   

       Smaug: [laughs] Revenge? You? I am SMAUG! I kill when I wish! I am strong, strong, STRONG! My armor is like tenfold shields! My teeth like swords! My claws, spears! The shock of my tail, a thunderbolt! My wings, a hurricane! And my breath, death!
popbottle, Jan 01 2014

       Not only is it in dire need of a rewrite, it is dire need of not being written at all. I would suggest that 4000 pages of blank paper as a first edition would suffice. Even the Ents would not complain, sacrifice of the few for the greater good, and all.
4whom, Jan 02 2014

       Good to see you 4whom, long time no see. zeno, not sure this is an idea about something new, or is it?
blissmiss, Jan 02 2014

       Thanks [blissy]. Great to see you too. You'll be happy to know my resolution this year is measured in voxels, and I have decided to dial the vitriol up to max....
4whom, Jan 02 2014

       The Ents are my friends.
UnaBubba, Jan 03 2014

       Am I the only one here who rather enjoys the Hobbit / LOTR?   

       But please, leave out the white orc.
RayfordSteele, Jan 03 2014

not_morrison_rm, Jan 03 2014

       I like them rather a lot (the books more than the movies). When I re-read them recently, it occurred to me that some of my most deeply held values may have been influenced by my reading them in my youth. I'm a bit surprised by the level of dislike expressed here; there are many, many far worse books and films.   

       I can understand someone finding them tedious (I don't) and not reading/watching them, but actively hating them seems about as pointless as (to borrow Stephen Fry's analogy) deciding to hate red telephones.
spidermother, Jan 03 2014

       I read them first as a child or possibly teenager; unfortunately my lack of attention-span caused most of the place names to get all lumped up together... still a good read though.
FlyingToaster, Jan 03 2014

       So - is the idea really the replacement of the book with the screenplay? That's fairly simple - throw away your copy of the book, and get the screenplay. Or, better yet, don't get the screenplay; you really wouldn't read it anyway.
lurch, Jan 03 2014

       Tolkien is very good. Merely object to him being raped.
zeno, Jan 03 2014

       I read them once every few years or so and find my speech and dreams much affected for days afterwards.
RayfordSteele, Jan 03 2014

       I'm a total Tolkien geek but, since the excellent effort that he made with the three LoTR films, I've rather gone off Peter Jackson after watching the complete atrocity that was 'The Desolation of Smaug'. Three hours of epic storytelling are out and instead we have a three hour video game trailer (in hindsight, the danger signs were there in the first Hobbit film). Poor old John Ronald, safely in his grave, would be spinning like a dwarf in a barrel if he'd had the misfortune to see it.
DrBob, Jan 03 2014

       [Spider...] I suppose an explanation of my (particular) opinion is necessary. It is not that I hate it, although the world would be better without it. It is the same reason I didn't enjoy the Harry Potter drivel, or Dan Brown's attempt at cobbling words together. Now, the above all have the benefits of introducing "new" topics and realms of thought to Pete Public. And they did not do a terrible job. Quite obviously, as book sales and story rights go. But there is something lacking, in my opinion. I quite like the fact that JK Rowling and JRR Tolkien spent enormous amounts of time in the worlds that they created. Dan, not so much. But they all seriously borrowed from previous stories without so much as a tip of the hat. I am not against stories that borrow, in fact, I am a firm believer that there is nothing new under the sun, but halfway through the never ending story that comprises "The Hobbit" I knew that this story had been told before, and, in my humble opinion, better. Similarly with the others. Does this mean I don't enjoy a good story? No not at all. Does this mean I don't enjoy a good retelling? No not at all. It is the same reason I turned Django Unchained off halfway. Quentin Tarantino has told no other story other than the revenge story, but Django was so absolutely similar to Inglorious Basterds that it became a throw-away. Throw away for me. Others love it. And I am not knocking it. but when something flies so close to the previous interpretation, I develop hives.
4whom, Jan 04 2014

       Thanks, [4whom]. That makes sense. Likewise, The Beatles first few albums seem less important once you've heard the original versions of the songs. Although I think Tolkien did acknowledge his debt to earlier story tellers, generally if not specifically.
spidermother, Jan 05 2014

       Just to contradict spidermother, Tolkien was quite explicit in acknowledging his influences (linky).
DrBob, Jan 05 2014

       Since J.R.R.'s objective was to invent a mythological and linguistic background for Anglo-Saxon/English literature and culture, akin to that of the Norse, Roman, or Greek, he didn't attempt to do it in isolation from the extant portions of the mythology and literature.
lurch, Jan 05 2014

       Why can't we just appreciate The Hobbit for what it is? Which is a 70-something year old novel which was both truly groundbreaking at the time, and also has,at least as much as any other piece of fantasy writing, shaped and influenced the entire genre?   

       Yes, it's somewhat dated, but not as much as you'd expect form something that old. Yes,there's some not-so-PC language ("Ah, 'tis a black thing, when races combine") - but it was a product of it's time and we should appreciate that.   

       The hobbit/LOTR remakes (I'm not including the latest installment of the hobbit "series" here, as I haven't seen it yet) have been by and large excellent, as good as could be expected by someone trying to make money out of the enterprise.
Custardguts, Jan 06 2014

       Not necessarily a contradiction, [DrBob]. Perhaps I was insufficiently explicit. I meant that as far as I'm aware, Tolkien didn't explicitly state that particular events or characters in his books were derived from or represented particular real-world or literary events or characters. Being a scholar and a gentleman, he did, of course, acknowledge his sources and influences, as you say.
spidermother, Jan 06 2014

       [Zeno has entered the Lonely Mountain, which once housed a kingdom of dwarves, but which is now Smaug's dungeon - Smaug, the young businessman-dragon, returns to his hill of gems and other riches, to find Zeno, who has snuck in, having followed a note Smaug left in Eriador following his photo shoot.]   

       Smaug: Well, thief? I smell you, I feel your air - and I hear your breath. Come along! Help yourself; there's plenty of it; and of me.   

       Zeno: [who is invisible] Oh... thank you, Smaug the Magnificent! You are as great as any businessman dragon can be, exceeding my wildest imagination!   

       Smaug: Indeed. I feel similarly, and have written a contract on the golden tablet you see on the pedestal to your right. It is a dragon domination contract...for I am single and into BDSM.   

       Zeno: My dreams have fallen short of reality, King SMAUG Under the Mountain! Smaug: Hmmm... Your nice manners are unbecoming. I give you this gift of elven armor, for I know you have never owned armor before and I also want to show how little it costs me to give gifts worth more than everything you own. Sign the contract, and find sweet release in my confusing apathy, uncreative bondage, and alluring draconic beauty!   

       Zeno: Surely you realize that your success has made me love you? I bitterly wish I could sign your contract, but it it too much, too soon. <fainting>   

       Smaug: [laughs] Love? You? I am SMAUG! I love when I wish! I am strong, strong, STRONG! My armor is like tenfold bespoke suits! My teeth sharper than legal summons! The shock of my sports car's revving, a thunderbolt! The flapping of my entrepreneurial spirit, a hurricane! And my firey breath, death by desire!   

       <the above excerpt is from the bestselling trilogy: 50 days of Smaug, 50 days Smauggier and 50 Hobbit-dragon Half-breeds>
sninctown, Jan 07 2014

       I do think the sausage party aspect of the Hobbit is much improved in the movies. LOTR as well - that elf princess rocked.
bungston, Jan 07 2014


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