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Spiritual Porn Industry

God is sexy.
  (+12, -2)(+12, -2)
(+12, -2)
  [vote for,

The time is ripe for the development of the Spiritual Porn Industry. Based on the concept that exposure to God is the ultimate good, the SPI will churn out glossy mags depicting the Lord in his many positions and videos with shoddy production values and thin story lines consisting of visiting repairmen entering homes and praying with their occupants with little introduction.

While the industry will ultimately be non-denominational with material aimed at all faiths, initial consumers of this material will likely be evangelical Christians, in the closet about their faith or open about it.

grip, Dec 05 2003

(?) Bad Religion http://www.coopstuf...ters93/FrameSet.htm
At the bottom of the left-side frame [Letsbuildafort, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 05 2004]


       The Brides Of Christ art series by Chris Cooper is just that ... [link] for a Bad Religion poster with our buddy Jesus ... the BOC series is also a popular line of tattoo flash ... its really NSFW, but I'll post a SFW poster link ...
Letsbuildafort, Dec 05 2003

       I always thought Christ was well-hung. And a cross-dresser as well.
mystic2311, Dec 05 2003

       I disagree - just look at the Catholic Church.
DrCurry, Dec 05 2003

       The Catholic Church has exotic sex, not erotic sex.
Condiment, Dec 06 2003

       Q: Why was Jesus popular with the ladies?   

       A: [holds arms out at sides]
Because he was hung like this!
Overpanic, Dec 06 2003

       Jesus was more of a mans man.
sufc, Dec 06 2003

       <chicka-chicka-peow chicka-chicka-peow (music)/>
That's Jesus "H" Christ to you, Mary Magdalene...
The "H" is for "Hung."
</chicka-chicka-peow chicka-chicka-peow (music)>
thumbwax, Dec 06 2003

       Baked by the Egyptians, I think. And Hindus.
RayfordSteele, Dec 06 2003

       This is a very funny idea. Why all the fishbones? It doesn't have anything to do with sex, anyway. It's about prayer and pushing this religious shit on everybody using the same methods that the porn industry does. Read it again!   

       //thin story lines consisting of visiting repairmen entering homes and _praying_ with their occupants with little introduction// See?   

       //glossy mags depicting the Lord in his many positions// It doesn't say sexual.   

       //Based on the concept that exposure to God is the ultimate good// But not exposure THAT way. Just exposure. You've all got dirty minds. Not that there's anything wrong with that.   

       Like I say, take another good look.
Eugene, Dec 06 2003

       Eugene, yes it is funny. Particularly I liked Overpanic's joke. (Had not heard it before.)   

       But funny != good.
waugsqueke, Dec 06 2003

       Yea, I'm gonna have to tell that again.
Eugene, Dec 06 2003

       I just saw an evangelical teen magazine. "How to tell if the guy you're dating is Godly," "50 beauty tips," "The Entire New Testament," etc. Perhaps they do videos too.
DrCurry, Dec 06 2003

       Looks like noboby got my joke about Christ being a cross- dresser.
mystic2311, Dec 06 2003

       Oh, I got it all right. Saving it for Easter, though. Thanks!
thumbwax, Dec 06 2003

       I got it...just didn't think it was funny enough to acknowlege. Funny enough to re-tell though.
Eugene, Dec 06 2003

       At first I thought, uh, isn't a variant of this idea already baked in some Andrew Greeley novels? And Song of Solomon/Song of Songs? Wait a minute, you're having <God> as the porn star here? Okay, that's just wrong.   

       Wait a minute... didn't St. Theresa de Avila have visions of being penetrated by an angel? I've also heard rumors that the author of the 19th century "muscular Christianity" tract "Water Babies" drew pictures of himself and his fiancée having sex while tied onto a floating cross.
ceruleanshipper, Dec 06 2003

       Thanks [Eugene] for astutely noting there's no direct mention of sex.   

       I'm surprised by the high number of fishbones and low number of negative comments.
grip, Dec 07 2003

       I was not particularly intrigued until I got another ruling on the matter. I typed the URL into the asksnoop.com website to have it translated by Snoop Dogg. Here is the translation:   

       The time is ripe fo' da development of da Spiritual Porn Industry n' shit. Based on da concept that exposure Dogg is da ultimate gravy, da SPI will churn out glossy mags depicting da Lord in tha dude's many positions 'n videos wit shoddy production values 'n thin story lines consisting of visiting repairmen entering cribs 'n praying wit they occupants wit little introduction n' shit. While da industry will ultimately be non-denominational wit material aimed at izzall faiths, initial consumers of this material will likely be evangelical Christians, in da closet 'bout they faith or open 'bout that shiznit n' shit.
moPuddin, Dec 07 2003

       Thank you for your contribution [MoPuddin]. I am very moved.
grip, Dec 08 2003

       All religious programming features "videos with shoddy production values and thin story lines". If you want shoddily-produced material with embarrassingly poor acting, just turn on your TV on Sunday morning, or ask at your Church.   

       And as for the magazine aspect, isn't God either ineffable or fatal to human eyes anyhow? I can't see magazines that have nothing but blank pages or that kill you instantly as having a big market.
kropotkin, Dec 08 2003

       If they're limited editions, you can make a killing.
thumbwax, Dec 08 2003

       Those limited editions are usually kept in the plastic sleeve, although Lot's wife and a few other would risk a peek.
moPuddin, Dec 08 2003

       [grip] - very clever :) (And thanks, [OP].)
Detly, Dec 08 2003

       So this idea is about putting the porn in spiritual punography?
Tiger Lily, Dec 08 2003

       The church near me sent out postcards with an old man with sunglasses. The caption said "God Rocks". This is really the natural progression of the same idea. OK, maybe with taking a small extra leap of logic.
Worldgineer, Dec 09 2003

       As a recent born again Athiest, I could'nt agree more with mystic2311.
python, Dec 10 2003

       I got the cross joke. I guess some people need to hear a cymbal crash. Or hear the canned laughter. One man's joke is another man's stock report, ya know.   

       Why do the "good women" always fall for the bad man? Because they know deep down he's good? And why don't the "bad women" fall for the "good men"? Are they "afraid"?   

       Another, more artistic spin would be Jesus as Samurai, directed by Akira Kurosawa.
moPuddin, Dec 10 2003

       Jesus the Suicide Bomber blows up the money changers in the temple.
mystic2311, Dec 12 2003

       Hahaha "exposure to God"
Flipmastacash, May 22 2008

       No one has seen Pastor Melissa Scott, aka Barbie Bridges? This has already been done, folks.
plynthe, May 22 2008

       I think the essence of porn is the disconnect between, on the one hand, one one-sided interaction between subject and camera and, on the other hand, a separate one-sided interaction between viewer and image. If there were any kind of two-way interaction between subject and viewer, then it would become something else, such as cybersex.   

       Now, you don't have to accept this definition, but if you do, it presents a challenge for this idea.   

       Trivially, if there is no god, then there's a one-sided interaction, but only one - not a carefully separated pair of one-sided interactions.   

       If there is one God, then any human interaction with Him or Her is necessarily two-way, to the extent that there's nowhere to hide.   

       So, spiritual porn would work best on a polytheistic assumption. You would see badly-lit images of other people's household gods, posed around their sacred hearths. You would see suggestions of the tutelary spirits of isolated places you'd never been to.   

       To some extent this is baked every time a tourist takes an artefact out the cultural context in which it has a special significance, and makes it into a mere conversation piece.
pertinax, May 23 2008

       [marked-for-deletion] Please remove this. It is very offensive.
Ozone, May 23 2008

       // Please remove this. It is very offensive//
[O3] It has been here for four-and-a-half years. Why remove it now?
BTW m-f-ds don't work if you don't spell 'em right.
coprocephalous, May 23 2008

       I just saw it now
Ozone, May 23 2008

       If you think this is offensive, you should check out Vagina Jam.   

       Rather than mark for deletion those things you find offensive here, you should probably just close the page and move on. Being offensive to *you* isn't grounds for deletion.
phoenix, May 23 2008

       I would hope that racial slurs are not allowed here, and gay bashing is probably out of bounds. And it is not that I do not have a sense of humor.   

       Baptist goes to Heaven and as he is being shown around by St. Peter he is shown groups of Catholics, Adventist, Assembly of God, and other denominations that just like to hang together and talk about old times. Then they come to a wall so large that he can not see the end of it.   

       St. Peter I thought there was not supposed to be any walls in Heaven?   

       Well my son, that was the original plan but... You see, the Presbyterians are behind the wall. It was the only way to make them happy. They think they are the only ones here.   

       Change denominations to your choice. The problem is that what had been written before is not funny. (OK, maybe this joke isn’t funny either, but at least it is a joke). Many of the others wrote slams that not only hurt, they were meant to hurt. Joking is fine, but vileness has no place here. At least I hope it does not.
Ozone, May 26 2008


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