Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Spittle Phone

A Phone That Spits When It Talks
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(+8, -1)
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I caught the droplet of spittle, out of the corner of my eye, but failed to recognize it's significance until it lighted upon my lower lip.

The one whom was the source of this droplet, belied knowledge of the trajectory of his accidental excretion by a subtle falter mid-sentence.

He kept talking, however. Acting as he hadn't noticed.

I, having already failed to take an immediate reaction, must decide to either wipe the droplet from my lower lip; thereby acknowledging that I was cognizant of the occurrence and have been hitherto content with the spittle resting on my lower lip... Or I can continue to listen intently, feigning ignorance of the offending droplet, and attempt to covertly wipe my lip.

If I choose the former, then either we both will own up to having knowledge of the spittle, or both continue to ignore the incident. This route will, of course, relieve the anxiety of both parties as we no longer have to maintain conversation whilst not focusing on the spittle.

The latter, however, becomes a cacophony of suspicion as I ask myself:

"Did they really not notice?", "If they did notice, do they know that I noticed?", "If they know that I noticed, then do they suspect that I think they did or did not notice?"

They will, most likely be thinking the same thing... All while trying to ignore the fact that there is friggin spit on my/their lip.

This is a dimension of human interaction that simply cannot be experienced, when conversating by way of cellular phone...

...until now!

Buy one of MikeD Enterprise's Spittle Phones and you will experience the spit-in-your-face realism of actual face-to-face conversation! Our Spittle Phone will, at random occurrences of hard consonant sounds, eject a small droplet of water from an easily refillable reservoir. Should the person you are speaking with also own a Spittle Phone, then both phones will simultaneously eject a droplet... facilitating the entire sub-textual phenomenon.

MikeD, Feb 17 2011


       I suggest that the telephone microphone also have a spittle detector and receiver, so that your telephone will only spit when it receives a spittle signal from the distant telephone. The spittle that triggers the spittle signal being sent would be stored in a spittle pot inside the telephone, allowing its reuse. Spare spittle not re-used could be extracted when the telephone is recharged, and sent to a central redistribution centre using a secret underground network of tubes.
pocmloc, Feb 17 2011

       Brilliant! - except that if you chose to use a hands-free kit your ears would fill up with your interlocutor's spittle.
hippo, Feb 18 2011

       Pretty lame idea. However, I think the writing is so good you still get a bun.
zeno, Feb 18 2011

       I love ideas like this. I'm currently extracting the essence of this idea for formulaic reproduction.
rcarty, Feb 18 2011

       meh... but bunned anyways because I thought it was a phone with a built-in facecloth so you could "answer the phone" to wipe off the spittle.
FlyingToaster, Feb 18 2011

       //how do you propose a user refill this reservoir without risk of getting water somewhere else on/in the phone//   


       //Pretty lame idea. However, I think the writing is so good you still get a bun.//   

       Thanks... I think.   

       //I love ideas like this. I'm currently extracting the essence of this idea for formulaic reproduction.//   

       Thank you, much [rcarty]. I am availiable tuesdays and thursdays from 5 - 7pm for adulation.
MikeD, Feb 18 2011


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