Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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St Andrews Pipes

Squealing Pigs, Nasty Slices and Sinking Birdies
  (+5, -1)
(+5, -1)
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Hamish grimaced as his tee shot whistled into the thick heath along the loch beside the par four seventh. "Ye'll nae get oot o' there wi'oot some difficaltae Hamish" chortled Bruce in his best antipodean mock-scottish. "It's 'Roamin in the Gloamin' for you my lad!!"

"Bugger and Damnation!" swore Hamish, as he drew up his 3 wood and gave the head a quick, unlocking twist - sliding the hollow telescopic shaft back down to it's pipe configuration, "Will i nae get tae pipe any other bliddy choon tidae?"

Hamish swung the shoulder strap of a slightly oversized set of tartan-covered bagpipes around from its position on his back and deftly screwed the transformed three wood into it's correct place as his second drone pipe. Picking up his tee and slotting it into his sporran, he paused briefly to give Bruce a furious glare - made more menacing by his bushy red eyebrows - then proceeded to inflate the bag now tucked under his left arm.

He wondered for the thousandth time at the wisdom of his childhood invention, made to please his traditionalist mother who insisted he become a proficient piper and his English father, who pushed him mercilessly to become a pro golfer. The Royal and Ancient had given the pipes special dispensation to be used on the course and he was now one of the wealthiest members - selling at least twenty sets a week through the pro shop.. A tidy living, even if the green divot stains around his lips meant he had never been able to find a wife.

With Bruce swaggering smugly a few steps behind, Hamish set off down the fairway, cheeks a-puff and elbows squeezing as his fingers worked up and down the melody pipe / putter and the plaintive wail of dying pig gushed forth from the irons...

Roamin, In the Gloamin, On the bonny banks of Clyde...

ConsulFlaminicus, May 14 2004


       Is that a set ae pipes or a meringue?   

       Aye, ‘tis a set ae pipes, yer nae rang!
dobtabulous, May 14 2004

       Nattily combining one of my favourite things with one of my pet hates. Strangely, my brother who is a better guitarist than me and, as such, should know better likes golf AND the devillish skiiiirrrll.+
gnomethang, May 14 2004

       If the chanter is to be used as part of the club, I'd fear for the integrity of the reed.
calum, May 14 2004

       [calum] In Hamish's instrument, the reeds are stainless steel, which is why his sounds like a pig being ravaged by a viking, rather than the traditional reed material (Arundo donax sp.) which gives a sound more akin to a sheep being tossed from the top of a water tower dressed in suspenders.....in the hands of a skilled player.
ConsulFlaminicus, May 14 2004

       Funny stuff [Consul]... love the username. I was barracking for you in 217 BC. Your departure was very disappointing.   

       [edited to remove question unrelated to idea]
Lacus Trasumenus, May 14 2004

       And shouldn't it be ConsulFlaminius? (But, of course you know your own name...) Anyway, a plus for the "the green divot stains around his lips".
ldischler, May 14 2004

       [LT] Thank you, belatedly, for your support. Of course, if Flaminius had had a few pipers at the head of his legions, Hannibal would not have won the battle of Lacus Trasimenus.
ConsulFlaminicus, May 15 2004

       [CF] Undoubtedly...   

       Anyway, I appreciated the 'antipodean mock-scottish'. +
Lacus Trasumenus, May 15 2004

       This is better than G++d
thumbwax, May 15 2004

       I still laugh over this [Consul].+++
dentworth, Jul 16 2004

bristolz, Jul 18 2004

       How did this get a fishbone? I made it go away [Consul.]
dentworth, Oct 27 2004


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