Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Subliminal Pet Name Relationship Affirmer

I wuv you shnookum pookums
  [vote for,

Couples often give each other pet names which express the cute fluffiness they feel toward each other. Honey Buns, Fluff Bunny, Sweet Chops etc. This works well in private and helps to affirm their relationship like the verbal equivalent of chimps gently grooming each other.

In public however an imbalance is often visible. While the female partner in a heterosexual relationship will often interpret their partner's willingness to use and respond to a pet name when in public as a sign of their love, the male partner will exhibit the opposite response. Being called "my ickle love monkey" in front of his mates is likely to make him cringe with embarrassment reminiscent of the days of being kissed goodbye by mummy when dropped-off at the school gates. It will almost certainly cause his mates to adopt the pet name as his new nickname and taunt him mercilessly. All-in-all the challenge to his masculinity is too much for him to bear. And as for ending his phone calls with "I love you too smoochy muffin" - well you can imagine his face reddening with shame. Of course this does not apply when the pet name is sexual in nature - "jiggly jugs" is all-together a more acceptable pet name for his partner to be overheard by his mates.

So to the solution. A technique such as hypnotism or subliminal implantation is exploited in order to condition each party such that whenever they hear their partner calling them by name their brain convinces them that they have heard the pet name instead. Likewise whenever they try to speak the pet name, their mouth outputs the real name. As "tickle tum" and "cuddle butt" converse freely they are blissfully unaware that they are actually using their real names. If hypnotists can convince their subjects that they are eating juicy apples when in fact they are munching down on onions then this should be a trivial task. Perhaps a screen saver could flash up the conditioning message at regular intervals?

This technique has the added advantage that those who aren't in relationships don't feel obliged to make the universal finger-down-the-throat gesture implying sick-making when in the presence of a loving couple chatting back and forth.

Of course dobtabulous, secure in his masculinity, would never resort to such subterfuge and deception - but offers this idea to help the less secure.

dobtabulous, Nov 07 2003


       I appreciate your motives, dob old boy, but can't say that I agree with them at all. One of the great joys of being a blokey bloke is being able to look down in pitying incomprehension on those who resort to fluffy and vomit-inducing pet names and to rag them mercilessly about their complete unworthiness as a member of the human species. If such people didn't exist then the world would be forced to despise some other group of mental weaklings of which I might be one. Therefore I fishbone you on the basis of not wanting to be the next scapegoat to be sacrificed on the scaffold of human contempt.
DrBob, Nov 07 2003

       What does MrsBob call you in private then DrBob? If you tell me I promise I won't ridicule you - despite the fishbone!
dobtabulous, Nov 07 2003

po, Nov 07 2003

       Now you've thrown me into a state of confusion [Po]. Actually Po already sounds like a pet name.
dobtabulous, Nov 07 2003

       In the unlikely event that a MrsBob were ever to exist she would, of course, call me 'Your Honour', Your Honour.
DrBob, Nov 07 2003

       Would "moron" be considered a pet name?
half, Nov 07 2003

       as secure as dobtabulous is in his masculinity, rumour has it that his mates are now calling him 'schmoozie-poo' when his back is turned.
Mistress Bling, Nov 07 2003

       [half] try it on your partner and see how (s)he reacts - let me know of course.   

       Actually your annotation brings up another useful application of the subliminal technique. If you were feeling particularly annoyed with your partner, you could amend your pet name to something less romantic - like "stink face" or "bog breath". In that way you could refer to your partner in derogatory terms which amuse you, and get away with it completely as (s)he thinks you are still calling them "schmoozie-poo" or such-like.
dobtabulous, Nov 07 2003

       However, a small yet fixable flaw in the mechanism is when you ACTUALLY want to tell your partner that 'I just bought you a round the world champagne cruise, schmoozie-poo' yet it comes out to her sweet earlobes as 'GET YOUR FESTERING CARCASS OUT OF MY LIFE, BOG BREATH'
Mistress Bling, Nov 07 2003

       I'm genuinely surprised that what would appear to be an open invitation for annotators to suggest progressively more and more stupid and amusing pet names (or anti-pet names) has been largely ignored here. So far the only ones we've had are "discombobulate", "your honour", "moron" and "schmoozie-poo". A very poor crop by all accounts. Have you all become annotation-impaired suddenly?
dobtabulous, Nov 07 2003

       What exactly makes you think my comment is something I've only just made up for the purposes of this discussion?
half, Nov 07 2003

       Try This: My gorgeous love bundley angel of delight who transcends my early-morning breath with a waft of minty dewlipey freshness.'
Mistress Bling, Nov 07 2003

       Too much saccharin in your coffee there, [Missy B]? ;-)
half, Nov 07 2003

       That's the spirit [mistress bling] - but come on now - dish the dirt - what pet names have you used or been known as in the past? And [half], I bet late at night you secretly long to be known as "nuzzle bear" or such like despite your attempt to appear aloof and saccharin-free?
dobtabulous, Nov 07 2003

       Sorry [blissmiss]. The idea itself was not intended to inspire lists but was a genuine attempt at a half-baked idea. I only veered toward list-promotion when my annotations attempted to pry personal information with possible amusing attributes from the other annotators. I would be happy to delete those annotations if you (or others) would prefer it.
dobtabulous, Nov 07 2003

       //secretly long to be known as "nuzzle bear"// Actually, no. "Dimpled boy wonder" will suffice.
half, Nov 07 2003

       ooh I hate being told off. All is well again - thanks blissmiss.
dobtabulous, Nov 07 2003

       I shall begin calling him that at once, in a mocking textual tone. Like this: <mocking tone>blissy's little cutesy-wootsy sunshine</mocking tone>. Or not. Seems less fun online.
Worldgineer, Nov 07 2003

       "sunshine" kicks ass I am led to believe, watch yourself world!
po, Nov 07 2003

       <obligatory> Shove it where the sun don't shine...
silverstormer, Nov 07 2003

       //happy to delete those annotations// And don't do it on I be [half], pookie.
half, Nov 07 2003

       I miss my insult trading partner.
half, Nov 07 2003

       Oh, [half] (you dummy)! : (
k_sra, Nov 07 2003

       [dobtabulous] my boyfriend saw that comment and is now threatening to call me 'nuzzle bear'
Mistress Bling, Nov 07 2003

       [silverstormer]- to whom was that remark addressed? Or was it a general comment on the idea? [Mistress Bling] I regret to inform you that "nuzzle-bear" is unofficially copyrighted by me to protect my new animated film script "Nuzzle-Bear and the great honey factory mystery" shortly to be released by Disney and featuring the vocal talents of Bob Hoskins as "Stink Face" and HRH Queen Elizabeth II as Nuzzle-Bear's "Aunt Scmoozie Poo". Perhaps your boyfriend could threaten you with some other name such as "Mistress Blinky" (as long as you don't have three eyes).
dobtabulous, Nov 10 2003

       Actually, 'mousey-wousey-wombat' appears to be the latest one. He comes up with new ones regularly.
Mistress Bling, Nov 10 2003


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